The Magnificent Ferengi

**** (4 stars out of 5)

What with all the war heros around, Quark's financial victories in the arena of squill syrup and groat cakes (though described with a showman's flair) are not enough to get the Ferengi anywhere near a woman's groat cakes.

Fortunately for Quark's bruised ego, the Jem'Hadar have nothing better to do than kidnap the Nagus' girlfriend on her way back from a lobe lift on Vulcan. Rather than worry about the PTSD the Vulcans must suffer from dealing with Zek or Moogie, we're focused on Zek's problems today. The Nagus actually CARES about Ishka and set her rescue reward at 50 bars of latinum. Granted, that's like a modern man offering many THOUSANDS of dollars when he personally has many MILLIONS, but let's not kid ourselves. If a Ferengi is willing to PAY MONEY when it's a mere LIFE at stake- he cares. Big time.

Quark, puffed full of Ferengi pride, assembles a motley crew of family members and murderous lunatics (often the same people) and sets up a prisoner exchange on Empok Nor. Kira owes Quark her freedom recently, so she arranges to trade Vorta POW and rat-bastard Keevan for Ishka. When Rom accidentally lets slip that the total reward is higher than Quark promised the others, however, the squill hits the fan. Keevan is killed by vagrant Gaila, aiming to shoot cousin Quark. Leaving them without a bargaining chip.

"The Magnificent Ferengi" will have to save the day because Vorta Iggy Pop's Lust For Life does not extend to Ishka, beauty tips notwithstanding. You'll believe a Ferengi can raise the dead when Nog uses Starfleet engineering know-how (well, kind of know-how) to prop Keevan's corpse up like a Comic-Con re-enactment of Weekend At Bernies 2. Is anyone, even a weak-eyed Vorta, going to buy it? Literally. Are you buying it? It's for sale.