Battle Lines

*** (3 stars out of 5)

The Bajoran spiritual leader Kai Opaka leaves her home world for the first time and visits Deep Space Nine. Wouldn't have been my first choice, but it is conveniently close. I wonder if Dr. Bashir is trying to be funny when he says she looks "preoccupied". (See, because Bajor was under military occupation all her life? Geddit? No, he probably wasn't joking.)

Speaking of Bashir, how is he packed and ready to tag along on the Kai's runabout trip through the wormhole before Sisko thinks of offering one? And shouldn't she be in a bullet-proof domed Kai-mobile?

Out for a spin, they visit an unknown moon and are shot down by its satellites. Opaka's spine breaks in the crash and she dies. Didn't I JUST say Kai-mobile? Or even a seatbelt?

Still, she gets better almost immediately.

Cellular biomechanisms (nanites, to those playing along at home) have granted her eternal life, more or less. The moon's prisoner populace see this as a curse. They suffer and die over and over but are always revived.  Yet somehow not killing each other hasn't come up.

Although the conflict between the Ennis and the Nol-Ennis may once have had a cause, it has been forgotten in the struggle for bloody, stab-happy vengeance. (You should have seen what happened to the Garth Ennis...)

It's a lackadaisical sort of war, so Angry Kira tries to get them to fight it more efficiently. (Great plan.) Opaka asks Kira to embrace the violence within herself and try to move beyond it.

The leaders Zlangco and Shel-la can't come to a truce. Sisko offers to jailbreak and resettle them. They can't even stop stabbing long enough to discuss this. Bashir learns resettlement is not an option: the microbes will fail if they leave. (Why isn't this an option again? Is unending hell preferable to oblivion?)

Opaka chooses to stay and grab Ennis ears until they see sense. Or they dice her into chunks and set the chunks on fire. Whichever.

"Your pagh and mine will cross again," Opaka declares to Sisko. That's a thing on Bajor. Although, maybe she said path.

 "Battle Lines" is awfully similar to the original series' "Day of the Dove", only without the sense of closure. And maybe that's not a bad thing: maybe we need to hear more often that violence is futile. That said, if a bunch of heathens took the Pope out for a joy ride in a dune buggy and came back without him, don't you think Catholics might be a little miffed? Oh, relax, I'm sure Deep Space Nine will be fine: Bajorans seem very reasonable. How many terrorist bombers could they possibly have?

Vortex

*** (3 stars out of 5)

One of a matched set of twinned Miradorn raider brothers is gunned down in a botched robbery. The thieves' thief and unintended killer was Croden from Rakhar, Gamma Quadrant. The surviving Miradorn, Ah-kel, has no goals anymore except deadly vengeance on Croden.

It seems very, very likely that Quark arranged the whole thing and probably gave Croden the gun. For some reason, Odo does not pursue this with any legal charges.

Even though Morn (the potato-shaped barstool accessory) confirms he saw Quark and Croden together.

Maybe Bajor's gun laws are ultra-lenient. For all I know, Ferengi phasers come free with a bowl of stew at Quark's. Still, Odo seems like the kind of guy who'd arrest Quark for littering if he could, so why does he let the 'conspiracy and abetting robbery/homicide' evidence slide by?

Imprisoned Croden names Odo "Changeling" and claims they are a harsh and judgmental people known to him. He has a trinket "from the colony of the changelings": a key that shapes itself to fit a lock. Bashir's analysis is that, like Odo, the key stone is somewhere between organic and inorganic. Might be a relative. Odo's desperate to find his people, but Croden's not exactly a good egg.

The Rakhari don't do trials, and they want Croden back. Odo immediately delivers him by runabout. (Remember how just last month they protected Tahna Los and explained asylum to Tosk? O.K., Tosk hadn't killed anybody, but as you'll recall- neither does the Federation. Handing him over for summary execution without moralizing is a little reminder that they do things differently here. And inconsistently.)

Croden relates how his government's security broke into his home at night and killed both his wives. He slit the cop's throats in return. A grisly tale, if true. He also claims changelings were too proud to maintain a humanoid shape on his world, and were persecuted because of it. Swell planet.

Instead of the gallows, Odo delivers Croden to the Chamra vortex, to the purported changeling colony. Unfortunately, the changeling stuff is all from legends. The key stone's origins are unknown, and the only thing on the asteroid is the only thing Croden cares about: his daughter Yareth in stasis.

Once it turns out the guy's a family man, (and Ah-kel conveniently blows himself to smithereens) Odo does a complete 180 and lets Croden go! He's killed at least three people and he's a professional liar. He belongs in rehab! Or just wandering free in the utterly honest touch telepath society of Vulcan. That should be fine.

"Vortex", as I mentioned, has a strange idea of justice. Still, the mystery of Odo's origins was intriguing. Also, this is the first time Morn is named, an anagram for that other bulky barfly from 'Cheers'. We learn that, like Cliff Clayvin, Morn's a motormouth: except he never talks onscreen.

Lessons

** (2 stars out of 5)

It's three o'clock in the morning and I'm hungry so let's eat. Well, sorry, BNL, we can't eat: the replicators are one of many systems off-lined tonight by the new head Stellar Cartographer, Nella Daren.

She's very much like Dr. Crusher, only her job is astronomically more tedious. (See what I did there?)

Speaking of Bev, she's got a new doctor in obstetrics, Beck. He's a particularly good man to have around if your termites are choking on their splinters.

Poor Nell DOES have a super-cool portable piano with the qualities of a fruit-roll up. Except stickiness and edibility, probably. She and the Captain have a jam session on 'Frere Jacques'.

Nell humble-brags to Crusher how she got muscle strain during her evening with Picard and his thousand-year old flute. Oh, my!

The duet continues in an "acoustically perfect" intersection of Jeffries Tube 25. While there's no regs against Captains and underlings 'loading the torpedo bay' together, Picard doesn't want things to get awkward. Too late!

They get more awkward when Riker wonders whether he's meant to give preferential treatment to the boss' lady friend. I'm dubious: Riker's been in charge of personnel for, like, SIX YEARS. Why is this even an issue, let alone a challenge?

If mild office romance and charming music aren't getting you hot, how about the firestorms of Bersallis III?  Will Picard's mademoiselle fall into a burning ring of fire? Will it burn, burn burn, this Ring of Fire?

"Lessons" is well-performed, but I just don't like it much. First, Jean-Luc belongs with Beverly, damn it! Second, and probably more relevantly, in what possible circumstances would the Captain really have to order the Map-maker into danger? Is this contrived situation going to happen ever again? Isn't that what mustard-shirts are for? Third, if your romance isn't strong enough to survive your careers for a single week, why should I care about it? Don't answer that, I'm not listening anyway.

Starship Mine

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Enterprise has pulled into the Remmler Array at Arkaria. The ship must be evacuated so it can be hosed down with deadly radiation to remove dangerous radiation. Yeah, you heard me. That's how bad ass Enterprise-D is. How do you like me now, barion particles!?

Commander "Hutch" Hutchinson of Arkaria Base is famously verbose. Picard suggests Data observe him to refine his small talk. But this is mostly a ruse to avoid talking to Hutch. Nobody wants to be stuck with the guy for very long, but once he and Data get into it they can't stop. Riker wonders how long two people can talk about nothing. 'Seinfeld' ran for 9 years, so I guess that's the answer.

Having avoided Hutch by leaping at the chance to go for a horsey ride, Picard is stuck on the ship fetching his saddle when the power goes down. A motley (some might call them diverse) collection of raiders steal some volatile trilithium resin out of the warp engine for a weapon.

The only man standing in their way is a crafty cop with no shoes: John McClane. I mean, Jean Picard. And he has shoes. Also Worf's bow and arrow. By the by, if you arrow a terrorist in the groin, as Picard does here, should it be called a Crotch-Bow?

Poor Hutch is gunned down by Arkarian malcontents and the senior staff is held hostage. Riker starts a brief fistfight so Bev can set off a hypersonic pulse from Geordi's VISOR, which knocks everyone out while Data runs for help. And Troi came along!

Commander-In-Thief Kelsey is not herself a terrorist, but hoping to sell the trilithium. Leaving aside who the buyer might be (although, actually, I have a pet theory), what does she need money for? Remember how humans now live harmoniously in a worry-free, shekel-free, story-free utopia? Is she planning on buying a summer home on misogynist planet Ferenginar?

"Starship Mine" sounds like the petulant screech of a four year old. My starship! Mine, mine, mine! It's hard to deny its energy- very solid action fun. Thank goodness Roddenberry is dead: he might have squashed it on principle for its un-evolved humans wasting each other for cash.

The Nagus

***** (5 stars out of 5)

The leader of the Ferengi Alliance drops by: Grand Nagus Zek. He's a superannuated bundle of filthy habits, hedonistic appetites, and ear hair.

Unable to produce his homework essay on ethics, Nog tries to cast the blame on some Vulcans. Substitute teacher Miles O'Brien is dubious. "You're saying Vulcans stole your homework?"

Speaking of work, are things so bad for the Chief that he'd rather be a sub? Really?

Nog's home life as Toothpick Boy for the Nagus gets worse when Zek discovers Rom lets his kid attend Federation school at all. In the finest tradition of 21st Century America, spineless Rom forbids his son any further book learnin'.

In front of Ferenginar's finest, Zek declares he's ready to retire. "The fire dims. I'm just not as greedy as I used to be!" Bypassing his misbegotten son Krax, Zek names his successor... wait for it... QUARK.

Then Zek dies in mid-rant while plotting his first vacation in 85 years. There is no autopsy: Ferengi of high status are vacuum desiccated and the pieces are sold as collectibles. (Even in mint condition, they smell nothing like mint.)

Krax and Rom conspire to kill Quark with all the skill and cunning of BeBop & Rocksteady from the Ninja Turtles cartoon.

I love the scene where the gouge miner pleads for the Gamma Quadrant synthehol franchise while Quark as Brando sullenly pets his Gilvos lizard.

Rom is reaching for the button to blast narcissist Quark out an airlock when Zek shows up. G-g-ghost? Nope. Zek faked his death to test Krax.

There are no consequences to Rom's attempt to murder his brother. Apparently, being Rom is punishment enough.

"The Nagus" is ideally cast in the personage of Wallace Shawn. The king of the money-grubbing space goblins is exactly what devoted capitalists are itching to be... but loath to end up as.

Move Along Home

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Sisko is less than overjoyed to hear his son Jake has learned the facts of life the same way I did: from Nog the Ferengi boy. Speaking of first contact, Sisko is hoping to impress a Gamma Quadrant people called the Wadi.  The Wadi hope only to seek out new games and new casinos.

Rendered in English, their tattoos read: "Apply Prosthetic Forehead Here".

Assuming they're not pulling a fast one, the Wadi prize chopsticks and fruit juice above gemstones. Of course, they brought a lot of worthless gemstones, just as I often stuff my wallet with paper towels when I travel. Spinning the Dabo wheel for six hours, they win plenty of Quark's latinum. As soon as Sisko tires of this, he goes to bed and Quark starts cheating the Wadi.

They catch onto him and angrily unfurl a replicated game board for CHULA as punishment.

When they force the swindler to play it, Sisko, Dax, Kira, and Bashir simultaneously find themselves in a magic maze full of booby traps. For example, disgruntled Kira rams her hooters into a forcefield while failing at life-and-death hopscotch.

As the game drags on and on, Bashir finds the antidote to poison gas in a goblet of fire, but is taken off the board by the next threat. A gelatinous cube by any other name...

Kira and Sisko band together to rescue hobbled Dax from quakes in an all-too familiar cavern set. Falling into a crevice, all four of them reappear intact in Quark's casino.

"It's only a game," laugh the Wadi. (CHULA- soon to be a horrible movie from Milton Bradley.)

"Move Along Home" is a pretty good Quark story; wailing that he's learned his lesson when he thinks lives are at stake, but just as quickly deciding to franchise the game afterwards. The story falls short in other ways, but when you spin the Dabo Wheel sometimes you only get two pinch showing.

Birthright Part II

**** (4 stars out of 5)

After the flashback, in which Ba'el the Kling-ette flashes back (and side-boob) Worf's dilemma continues on the galaxy's most relaxed prison world.

Uncharacteristically kind Romulan Commander Tokath kept a hundred Khitomerian Klingons alive for prisoner exchange. However, their families and government would rather they didn't exist. Tokath was going to let them go anyway, but to preserve their families' honour they stayed in hiding with their lenient captors. Worf's dad was never among them.

"There is no room in my heart for shame," Worf declares. It's not a popular Klingon opinion: the oldsters wish their kids would come to visit them... knife first. The youngsters are farmers, contented and/or bored. Peacenik Ba'el has no desire to visit the dangerous Klingon home world. Worf says Qo'noS is dangerous "no longer". Skewed perspective from the guy who nearly bought it there a year ago.

Romulan Jailer Tokath tells Worf he married a Klingon woman, and you can see Worf throwing up a little, in his mouth.

Worf teaches Klingon combat moves and stories to the ignorant youths. He is about to teach the mating bite to Ba'el- when he discovers she has pointed ears. She's Tokath's daughter.

Tokath asks Worf to stop pouring vinegar into his melting pot. Not bloody likely! Many Klingons move into the line of fire at Worf's half-hearted execution. Finally, Tokath's Klingon ladies stay his hand.

Several Klingon lads returned with Worf. They claim to be "crash survivors" from "planet Elaborate Lie".

"Birthright Part II" is fine Kling-sploitation fare, if that's what you're into. Mendak's identical cousin Tokath is a very compelling villain as far as I'm concerned, having abandoned massacres and warmongering for Ridged Forehead Jungle Fever. And yet... face to face with the man whose orders killed his parents, Worf merely spurns his daughter's advances and slightly disturbs his weekend? Does that sound like Worf to you? Or does it seem more likely he'd take a sick day, come back, and burn this hippy commune to the ground?