Silent Enemy

 *** (3 stars out of 5)

Thanks to a couple of subspace relays, Enterprise can have real-time chats with Earth from 100 light years away. But the longest long distance call ever made only proves that Malcolm Reed's family know nothing about him. Including whether he likes food! I guess their upper lips are too stiff.

In five months, our heroes never installed their mighty phase cannons. Now, with incomprehensible Weirdies running out of the dark and shouting 'Ack! Ack!' Archer orders Tucker to tuck tail and run home.

That's a little tough to swallow for some reviewers. 'They had a gun in a crate for half a year and never UNPACKED it? '

The Sneaky Stealth Sneaks with their cauliflower heads tiptoe in, do some brain scans, and maybe some anal probes for luck. Properly motivated, the engineers deliver three mountain-leveling cannons in three days. We never see the Eye-Stalk Stalkers again. Except in Mars Attacks.

So, my take-away from this is not "Why would anyone be stupid enough to launch without guns?" but rather that if the universe had allowed it, Archer would never have used any. I like that about him.

More importantly, it turns out Reed loves pineapple but it doesn't love him.

I assume the "Silent Enemy" of the title is not the pineapple. Sadly, the A story's moral is aliens are unfathomable horrors so you better waive the waiting period and git yer gun! I must admit I was more in love with the B story where Hoshi hunts down a birthday cake. Tales that go together like chalk and cheese. Do not eat chalk. Or, if you're a dog, cheese.