Sunday, February 10, 2013


** (2 stars out of 5)
A catcher's mitt-shaped nebula too high to get over, too low to get under, and full of nourishing soup (sorry, I meant sub-nucleonic radiation) is either going to take a year to avoid, or a month to cross... while frying every living thing aboard until it stops living. Except the Doctor and Seven of Nine, though it's anyone's guess why Seven (80% human, remember) is immune to burns that killed some people inside of a minute. No matter how much you wish she was, she's not Mr. Data.

Could they not see this deadly monstrosity coming with their fancy new astrometrics lab? Well, either way it amounts to everyone except Seven and the Doctor going into stasis. For the new humans, this will be a major mental challenge.

Speaking of mentally challenged, the stasis pods can be opened from inside. This seems like an overall good feature, but in this case if someone wakes up groggy and wanders around looking for a glass of milk THEY WILL BURN TO DEATH. Isn't that worth putting on, oh, I don't know... A BETTER LOCK? And just how is stasis a state from which you can spontaneously awaken? And if you have all those stasis pods, why aren't you using them to stay young? You could've been shaving tedious decades off your 75 year journey just by sleeping in shifts, right? Anyway, if this seems like nonsense that's probably because it is.

Seven of Nine begins a routine of daily activation, drinking her breakfast, roaming empty halls, and catching Tom Paris stumbling around in footy pyjamas. Also, barely tolerating fake interactions with holo-sims designed by the Doctor to help her be more sociable. Twilight Sparkle needs to learn that Friendship is Magic... just in case someone ever puts her in charge of 150 LIVES. Instead of, say, setting an alarm clock.

After ten days, the neural gel packs start to crap out, and so does the Doc's mobile emitter. Now Seven is alone. It's Silent Running but with Tits McGee instead of Bruce Dern. Worryingly, Seven begins to dream disturbing dreams while she's awake.

Speaking of dreamy, a bedroom-voiced space pirate wanders by looking to keep Seven company with a creepy game of hide-and-seek. Will all work and no play make Seven something something?

"One" answers the burning question: why figure out how to integrate Seven of Nine when you can just put everyone else in the trash?

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