Wednesday, February 20, 2013


**** (4 stars out of 5)
Transporter malfunction: Tuvix-class! You got your 29th Century Shoulder Brooch on my Borg Nanoprobes! No, you spilled your nasty nanoprobes on my future dingus! Before you can say "Urk! Ugh! Get it out!" Father Mulchaey's descendant is necked for his DNA stew. Before you can say "unplanned parenthood" Mulchaey, Seven and the EMH have made the original Frankenstein's monster.

He's a Borg, but wireless! He's got no strings to hold him down, make him fret, or make him frown. Future Boy is armoured with poly-dutonic alloy. Tricked out with internal transporter nodes (for when you REALLY have to go). A mobile emitter brain stem. Add a pumpkin for a head and you've got yourself the perfect Halloween.

He's grown too fast to abort, so Janeway assigns expert nurturer Seven of Nine to be his mommy. Uh, really? I'm not sure I'd trust Seven to water a PLANT. And Neelix delivers "schoolbooks" to the Patchwork Borg. Why Neelix? I like the guy, but you have half a hundred first contact specialists, engineers, scientists, and security officers to handle these sorts of things. Well, someone had to name the boy! And what an exciting name it is. One. (If it wasn't already a boring Voyager title, it would be THIS episode's boring title.) One should get a medical degree. Then he'd be Doctor One- Dr. One the Drone. Move over, Dr. Acula.

One's a nice kid, but he's got a lot of identity questions and they'd rather he didn't learn about the Borg on the street like they did. Next thing you know there'd be some terrible unavoidable tragedy with One single innocent life snuffed out.

"Drone" is a heartwarming Pinocchio tale. A Niles Crane Monster created by a mash-up of 'The Child' and 'I, Borg'. And it's so well performed that I find it only slightly hamstrung by having seen it all before.

With the exception of B'Elanna Torres in a Towel. THAT was new! And before she complains that the ship's doctor is a dirty old peeping tom, the real ENGINEERING question should be: Who builds a viewscreen directly opposite the sonic shower? The answer forthcoming... Perverts. Thank you, perverts. You guys make three star episodes into four.

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