Monday, July 22, 2013


*** (3 stars out of 5)
The Xindi Conspirators bicker on, with their pet Oppenheimer Degra expressing some mild doubts about the implications of his planet-destroying kill-a-majig. The Repto-Xindi go to plan 'B'... for "boobs".

Still itchy and flaky from Salamander Day, Archer the Grouch turns down delicious Xanthan marmot to find slimy chemist B'Rat Ud and learn to synthesize insulating trellium-D in exchange for an array of exotic condiments from the far east... side of the cargo bay. Did you follow any of that? Boils down to an excuse to browse a sleazy market and ogle harem girls.

Utani serpent women? Bored-looking Nuvian concubines? No sex, please, we're Earthers. Rajiin of Oran'taku is rescued from a hideous pimp with lungs for brains. Not a euphemism, I think the man breathes through his forehead. You could probably kill him with the gift of a beer hat.

Yay, Free Hooker! Pretty Woman sashays her way Mata Hari-style through the command structure on a vital mission to feel up Archer, Hoshi, T'Pol... basically anyone who might improve the ratings... uh, scan. "Rajiin" is some sort of living scanner- who turns all her findings over to the Snake-Men cooking up viruses. Bored with sapphic displays, she goes on an unmotivated shooting spree, as you do when you work for Xindi.

Speak of the devils and they shall appear, in their insect skin armour borrowed from the Remans of Nemesis, and wielding guns that fire acid snot and little darts of light. Pray you get hit by the snot! Reptile Xindi can't be captured alive: they are surgically enhanced with "suicide glands". Why didn't they offer the use of those glands to the audience during Star Trek Nemesis? And, continuing in my single biggest complaint of the season, probably- if you're going to use catspaws and hired goons and intermediaries ANYWAY why not have the Big Bad be the Romulans? You know you want to.

No comments:

Post a Comment