Precious Cargo

* (1 star out of 5)

Skeevy, unwashed Retellians (Really? Retellians? Re-telling much?) with their mysterious frozen cargo pull Enterprise over for help. In the most improbable juxtaposition, Archer (who knows every panel on his ship's hull) offers to take them aboard. This is a kind offer, but it would be a little hard to pull off. We've just seen their ship's longer than his! Fortunately, they don't try to ram their way into the itty bitty landing bay, although they are only hiding the fact that they just stole a princess, Ice King Style.

The kidnapped Popsicle Princess from Krios Prime is Kaitaama. Trip rescues her and they have a whirlwind "adventure". She is very annoying. No offence. Just awful. This attempted Swamp Bumpkin/High Class "Romance" makes Indiana Jones and Willie Scott look like Tracy and Hepburn. Really, very deeply unconvincing. And I've often felt moved by the romance between Lea Thompson and an anthropomorphic duck.

"Elaan of Troyius" and "The Perfect Mate" are not the stories I would have chosen to mash together to create a new taste sensation. And they don't! This "Precious Cargo" is stale and aggravating. Some might say a turdburger. And I might be one of them! Tropey, mechanical, unappealing, and generally barf-tacular.

Now, I'd like to say for the record that writer David A. Goodman ALSO wrote one of the finest episodes of Futurama: "Where No Fan Has Gone Before". I therefore absolve him forever of any wrongdoing. I also find it nearly impossible to find fault with Conner Trinneer when he has his shirt off, because I am apparently a twelve-year-old girl.

Thanks be to the merciful Great Bird of the Galaxy that the next item on the agenda is a movie!

Unfortunately, it's the movie Star Trek Nemesis.