Future Tense

*** (3 stars out of 5)

One hundred light years from Earth, a strange vessel is found with a lonely human mummy inside, and I don't mean a single mother. The wreck is very worn out, with no visible means of propulsion, and, no, I STILL don't mean a single mother. Could it be the missing man himself, Zefram Cochrane? Only a Star Trek fan can rule that out. And only a Doctor Who fan can answer Trip Tucker's next question: "How can a ship be bigger on the inside than the outside?"

Has Enterprise found a derelict TARDIS?!? Is someone actually reading my fan fiction? How will they afford the rights to Inspector Gadget AND Darkwing Duck? O.K., not exactly, but since the Suliban Cabal are lurking around, it probably does have something to do with time travel. Phlox confirms the dead pilot had Vulcan, Rigellian, and Terrellian lineage, far enough back that he shouldn't exist yet. So it's off for another peek inside runaway bestseller Daniel's Big Secret Book of Future Secrets. The ship is from the 31st Century, where humans and aliens doink one another without fear of government reprisal, wiretaps, and photoblogs.

You know who else loves things from the future? (Apart from me.) The Tholians! Remember them? No? Well, it makes no difference, you won't be seeing them, anyway.

Reed and Trip pop the trunk on the timeship and give themselves some hellacious deja vu with a repeating time loop. (Or what my favourite Gallivanting Gallifreyan used to call a chronic hysteresis.)

"I believe in embracing surprises," says Dr. Phlox, but there really aren't any to hug today. Enterprise gets into a fire-fight with the other circling vultures. The timeship disappears from whence it came without yielding any secrets at all and nobody goes home happy. The pickled pilot could have been anyone... from Matt Frewer to Lindsay Lohan.

"Future Tense" is shiny and effects-driven, but offered no real insight into the future. I still had no idea that in only two short years I could be watching BRAND SPANKING NEW episodes of Doctor Who. Was it worth losing Star Trek for? Only time will tell.