Ferengi Love Songs

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Hiding from the war (the war on rapidly breeding voles in his bar) Quark is more depressed than ever to hear that Leeta and Rom are getting married.

Quark runs home to Moogie. Moogie knows best. She'll make it all better. Only... why is Quark's old room cleared out? And more immediately, why is the Grand Nagus hiding in his closet?

The Uncle Scrooge of the planet of Pure Greed and the troll doll version of Germaine Greer have hooked up. Ishka and Zek met at the tongo championships, and now they're making the Wrinkly Orange Elephant with Two Backs on Quark's bed.

Speaking of horrifying things to say, Dax accidentally sets off a mental time bomb while 'complimenting' Rom: "No traditional Ferengi could ever marry a non-Ferengi and be happy. He could never trust her."

Rom has bent over backwards (relatively speaking) for Leeta. He's wearing a Bajoran earring, taken her religion, thinks of her as an equal and all. But with his Ferengi-hood challenged, he wants Leeta to sign a Waiver of Profit and Property. That way he won't get swindled like he was twenty years ago by his first wife Prinadora. Prinadora's family took everything Rom had (except Baby Nog) after he signed a second marriage contract without reading it. Such is love.

With Ishka's help, Zek's encroaching senility is not getting in the way of cornering the market on all Bolian gambling emporiums. And Quark can be Nagus' First Clerk. But neither Moogie nor Quark's New Daddy will pull any strings to lift the FCA Ban.

Brunt will, however... if Quark quietly ruins the Nagus' relationship with his mother. "Equal rights for females", "Women Wearing Clothes" and "World Domination" are some of the scenarios Quark conjures up. Who wants a female with IDEAS in her head? As the Ferengi say: "Life goes on. There are other slugs in the sea."

Fun Ferengi Fact: Grand Nagus Smeet was the only Nagus assassinated in office. And they buried his First Clerk with him. This is known locally as Mystery Smeet.

Brunt knew this piece of trivia, and he knew about Zek's failing memory too. The Liquidator is testing the throne cushions against his own posterior. Luckily for all, Quark's developing a conscience. "I've fought against it. I really have."

Zek's not down for the count yet, and Vulcans have some great treatments for memory. Provided Ishka writes 'Call Vulcan Doctors' on his hand for him.

And lastly, always remember: Marauder Mo action figures are worth more in the original packaging.

"Ferengi Love Songs" is fun on a bun, but I like the working title even better: "How Quark Acquired His Groove Back".