Tuesday, May 1, 2012


 **** (4 stars out of 5)

Looking for starship Jenolen, missing, lo, these 75 years, Enterprise happens across a big, BIG candy with a big, BIG chew. It's an everlasting grey gobstopper the size of Earth's orbit.

And who's inside an old transporter inside the old starship on the old Dyson Sphere in the hole in the bottom of the sea? Old Scotty. Great Scott! 1.21 GIGASCOTTS!

Thanks to his 7.5 decades stored in a computer, Captain Montgomery Scott is 147 years old. He was headed for a retirement colony when he crashed. Admiral McCoy is going to be happy to see him, after Bones gets his eye surgery, since Scotty was bringing the glaucoma weed.

Ensign Fartknocker is too busy to listen to Scotty's hoary old chestnuts about a wee bit o' trouble on Argelia. Sorry, I mean Ensign Jerkweasel. Seriously man! It's SCOTTY, for blinking blue blazes! You don't have 10 minutes to listen to Scotty? Fifty-two years in Starfleet! They name Starbases after this guy!  Have some damn respect!

Freakishly, even Geordi thinks Scotty is an old relic, gathering too much dust to even phaser up.

"I was driving starships while your great-grandfather was still in diapers!" jowls Scott.

Data tends bar for the classic cameo. Scott and the Bot enjoy a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster (or something green, anyway). It's still true: where Kirk chases green women, Scotty chases green booze.

Enterprise says 'hello' to the sphere and it responds: 'Hey, hey, hey! It's Dyson Sphere Albert!' and drags them into its maw. The interior surface is a massive inside-out livable world, but they'll never get to check it out, since they're getting awfully toasty from the chewy centre: a flaming old star.

Another old star and Geordi mend their unnecessary personality conflict, save the day, and jury-rig the Jenolen into a doorstop so the Enterprise can squeak out again.

If, while watching a story about engineers, it bothered any of you that a glaring technical error occurs, (namely that people can't beam through shields, as they do in the climax) it's actually a reminder that you are dealing with a miracle worker. Offscreen, Scotty plainly solved all that with wizardry, phase fluctuations, and a generous handful of peanut butter. For the road.

Finally, the new kids on the block stop being jerks and give Scotty a shuttlecraft of his very own. But playing hover-shuffleboard with Robert April will just have to wait!

"Relics" features the final TNG cameo of a TOS character. And one of the finest. That enormous globe was ASTOUNDING! Plus, the Dyson Sphere is really cool.

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