**** (4 stars out of 5)
Tom preens for B'Elanna in his Hawaiian shirt, but it's Vorik the Vulcan who accompanies her at the beach. That Vorik! He's like Reggie Mantle to Tom's Archie Andrews. In terms of hair, at least.
Harry Kim has become twitter-pated for recreational hologram Marayna. Kim asks Tuvok to teach him Vulcan techniques to squelch his feelings. The Bolian Method would probably be eating your feelings, so Vulcan it is!
The Vulcan method works perfectly for several minutes until Tom drags Harry to the luau and Tuvok becomes intrigued by Marayna instead. She enjoys playing "Vulcan Chess" so much that she steals the Doctor's Mobile Emitter, and breaks into Tuvok's room to play it ALL NIGHT LONG. (Not a sexy metaphor.)
It comes to light that Marayna is no trick of the light at all. She has a taste for danger and a horribly lonely job. She sits alone atop a fiery nebula and works all the buttons to keep it contained. (Not a sexy metaphor, I swear.)
She chose this lighthouse-keeper life, but lately she's opening other people's mail from ships that pass in the night. Tuvok urges her to seek more sociable employment.
Mercifully, the lunatics one meets online these days are not yet able to physically emerge in one's home and mess with one's stuff. That's NEXT year's upgrade.
"Alter Ego", in the words of Jess from 'The New Girl', screams "Give my nipples a purpose!" Allow me to explain. Swimsuits and leis all around, and yet apparently Marayna's swimsuit needed a liner sewed inside to save us from the traumatic sight of chilly lady beans. Thanks for nothing, UPN.