Thursday, June 14, 2012


** (2 stars out of 5)

Today's episode is like the story of 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears'. If Picard was Goldilocks. And the Three Bears were a weird trio of alien Ambassadors: Angry Bear, Hungry Bear, and Bear With a Suspicious Chest-Mounted Holographic Projector. Actually, forget it. It's nothing like that story at all.

First diplomatic ambassador exchange between the Iyaarans and the Federation starts here. Troi's guy is a sugar-addled hedonist after my own heart, just here for the pies. Worf's guy orders him about rudely until he gets a solid punch up the hooter.

Picard's guy Voval is TV Alien Nation's Sam Francisco. Their shuttle crashes, and after administering terrible first aid by moving an unconscious man and taking no tricorder readings, Picard goes for help. It feels like the Original Series again... what with these painted backdrops and styrofoam rocks! Struck down by cartoon lightning, Picard awakens in the movie 'Misery'.

His creepy stalker girl, Anna, lives alone in a derelict Terellian freighter, but does not have four arms like a good Terellian. (Seriously? How many different people named themselves Terellians? It's like the Smith of alien race names.) Anna keeps the Captain locked up, speaks of her suicidal loneliness, then kisses him and tells him she loves him.
Each time she forces herself upon him, he keeps brushing her off. She wails of failure and threatens to jump off a cliff. What's not to love?

Picard notices the necklace Anna wears, recalls how he hasn't seen her and Voval together, and realizes Anna IS CLARK KENT! No, wait... she is Voval in disguise.

Iyaarans are all created as adults by post-cellular compounding, whatever the hell that is. So they do not have pleasure, antagonism, or love. They hoped to learn about these traits without asking or explaining themselves. So they do have jerks on Iyaar.

Back home once more, Picard claims to Voval that he admires the extreme lengths he went to. Uh, what did those two get up to on the ride back?

"Liaisons" is of dubious value. It's like thrown-together low-quality fan fiction, only more difficult to enjoy. But everybody tries earnestly, so I have to give it something. I know! I'll jump it, immobilize it, and kiss it into submission. That should make it love me.

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