Conundrum

***** (5 stars out of 5)

Is there life in the Epsilon Silar system? Who knows! We're not going to find out today!

Troi beats Data at chess. While you're trying to wrap your head around that, consider this. "Chess is a game of intuition." she gloats. Really? Really.

Soooo... is Troi cheating or is Data buttering her up for some reason? Maybe he's hoping for a promotion... or a date? He is eager to fix her a drink.

The Cliffs of Heaven on Sumiko IV (Holodeck Program 47-C) is the setting for another diving injury to Captain Liberty's descendant Kristin. Dr. Crusher suggests the Emerald Wading pool

on Cirrus IV instead. Really, what matters is that I retained that while staring at Liz Vassey in a bathing suit.

Riker chews Ro out for doing things. Rules, blah blah, bladdy blah. I'm sure it was important, but he's not in a bathing suit and neither is she, so I drowned it out.

Suddenly, a green beam makes everyone forget their identities. Even Extra First Officer looks confused. Still, it's not all bad. The crinkly-nosed woman remembers how to be a pilot. The guy with the metal baldric remembers tactics. The guy with the cool shades knows how to run computers and retrieve personnel files. Baldric Guy and Nose Girl place a high priority on weapons and defence, tying up computer resources. It slows Doctor Lady down in finding out what's wrong.

Robot Bartender and Telepath Gal await further instructions while Beard Man hits on Nose Girl.

Turns out their so-called Federation of Planets is at war with the genocidal Lysian Alliance. Enterprise is on a covert mission to destroy Lysian Central Command.

Now with names but still memory-free, Ro sets up shop in Riker's bed:

"For all we know, you and I could hate each other."

"What if I snore in my sleep?"

"What makes you think you're going to get any sleep?"

The Lysian ship they encounter is massively outclassed and easily destroyed. Hooray! Picard questions the morality of this and Extra First Officer MacGuffin, uh... MacDuff cannot stress enough how important it really is that they kill every single Lysian bastard ever spawned.

MacDuff, as it happens, is one of those guinea-pig eating creatures from 'V' and gets his fiery phaser comeuppance.

Ro had to keep elbowing past Troi to get to Riker's kissy face, but when their memories are restored it's HIM they blame for his Man-Whore Ways! Is that fair, I ask you? Is it fair to accuse men of being sex-obsessed? What's that? You'll have to speak up, I'm staring at Liz Vassey's bathing costume.

"Conundrum" is really quite cleverly written, a keen piece of acting, and GEEZ, did they just phaser that guy's skin off, or what? I'm going with hologram, myself. Also, on a related note, I hope the Federation sent some condolence cheeses to the Lysians.