The Arsenal of Freedom

***** (5 stars out of 5)

Did I rank it too highly? Very well then, I did, 'cause it's a personal favourite. Action, thrills, spills, robots, and Vincent Schiavelli? The first season of ST:TNG didn't get any cooler. (Sorry. It gets better.)

Riker's Academy chum Captain Paul Rice has disappeared with his ship, the Drake. If Riker hadn't turned Drake down...

Heh, drake down. Shake your tail feathers, Disco Ducks!

Minos was famous as a world of arms merchants. Now it is famous as a world of dead arms merchants... and a hologram making sales pitches. Hey, it's Jenny Calendar's Uncle Yanosh!

"Peace... through superior firepower." smirks the subway smoker suicide from 'Ghost'. He adds this charming phrase: "The early bird who hesitates... gets wormed."

This is the story to break out your action figures for! Reenact the Erselrope Wars on your back lawn as valiant Starfleeters fight a running battle against flying panty-hose eggs!

"No, my ship is the Lollipop." says Riker to a tricksy hologram image of Rice. "It's just been commissioned. It's a good ship."

La Forge's first battle command is sweet beans, brothers and sisters!

Jean-Luc and Beverly fall ass over tea-kettle (he's tea-kettle) down a filthy hole. Her bones and the communicators are broken, so she must guide him in... playing doctor.

'Perhaps while you're lying here, we could discuss my Captain's Log...'

I kid. Less heavy petting, more heavy backstory: Crusher admired her grandmother's work as a healer during the disaster at their colony, Arveda III. Did everybody's childhood explode? How are they all so well-adjusted? Troi must work her butt off.

Chief Engineer Logan makes Chief Engineer MacDougall look like eight different rays of sunshine. Logan outranks La Forge by a mere half-pip but though we've never seen him before today, he's convinced he's God's Gift to Command. Geordi exists in direct opposition to that notion.

Meanwhile, the gang in gold hide in the jungle and shoot some kill bots.

"We'll do it just like before," says Yar to Data, amidst some giggling from the audience. 'Do it?' No time for that now, Natasha! You need to fight some robots before you 'do it'. With a robot. Sorry, I'm 12 again.

"Let's see if we can get lucky," says La Forge to helm Ensign T'su. More giggling. No time for that now, Geordi! You gots to fight some robots before you 'get lucky'!

The holographic peddler is trying to get Picard to buy the Echo Papa 607: a perfect killing system. Once Picard agrees to buy it, the demo model shuts down. Isn't that always the way?

La Forge guns the foe down based on its turbulence. Suck on those effects, twenty-first century! Aww, yeah!

The 'intercourse' in "The Arsenal of Freedom" is more of the discourse variety, thanks to Gene for some reason nixing the idea of Crusher overtly crushing on Picard. There's still a lot of great interaction, but not on the physical level.

Except some hot saucer/stardrive docking action. (Off screen after the credits.)