Civil Defense

*** (3 stars out of 5)

In which O'Brien accdentally activates a lurking Cardassian anti-insurgency computer program. Somehow, neither the Chief of Operations nor any of his team nor the AI "PUP" ever located this program before. Also, nobody ever noticed all the poison gas emitters or the 'Lock-you-in-your-room-with-the-poison-gas-emitters' brand forcefields over the last three years, either.

Ah, Deep Space Nine! Precarious stacks of old land mines in every closet and venomous adders in every light fixture...

Great reminder actually: I should clean my house more often.

Everyone is locked in and scrambling for their lives, from Odo and Quark in the security office to Larry Appleton and Cousin Balki down in the mailroom. Dax burns her hands and Bashir doesn't help her with the dermal regenerator last seen in the Ops first aid kit. (I'll assume it doesn't work during insurgencies when the power's out and not that the Doctor forgot it exists.) Garak's sneaky-peeky spy codes let him wander freely, but not interfere. Everything our heroes touch makes it worse, from a decreasing countdown to a phaser turret in the replicator.

Having received a distress call from a recording of himself, ex-dictator Dukat drops in to see whether he can make things slimier. The deadly program with its deadly bees was made by Gul Dukat to efficiently execute Bajoran ore workers if they should revolt. Speaking of revolting, Dukat struts and preens in what Garak recognises as an attempt to hit on Kira. Revolting, no? See if Bashir's heard of penicillin, cause this guy's laughter is infectious.

Dukat milks the situation for too long, and his gloating turns to bleating when a program secretly left by his boss won't let him beam out in the midst of a worker riot.

Now if the station rotates slower than 50 miles per hour, Keanu Reaves will explode!

"Civil Defense" is fun, but nothing to write home about, because if you try to mail an unauthorized letter from Deep Space Nine, you'll set off the hydrochloric acid sprinklers. It's boiling acid! you'll squeal, but only Batman will be able to save you.