Captain's Holiday

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Wanna hear a slogan better than 'Welcome to Edmonton- Gateway to the North'? Well, here it is: "Welcome to Risa. All that is ours is yours."

Reduced to exhausted grunts by two weeks of dispute negotiation, Picard needs a vacation. And his underlings force him to take one.

Dr. Crusher won't take Picard's promise to find something fun to do at Starbase 12 for an answer. "Watching some technician fill deuterium tanks is not my idea of fun!"

Oh, Beverly! You just haven't seen the right technicians. Starbase 12's 'Tanks & Techs' Techs in Tankinis issue was EXTREMELY popular.

Riker knows a place called Risa. "I'm sure you'd find their sybaritic outlook on life very appealing."

Also, Troi threatens to invite her mother to visit them.

Riker casually requests Picard bring him back a souvenir horga'hn. The Captain purchases one and the fifth woman who propositions him finally explains: "To own one is to call forth its powers. To DISPLAY it is to announce you are seeking jamaharon."

Picard did not need its help, but it clearly works anyway. He falls afoul of a slinky archeologist called Vash. She's on the wrong side of Sovak, a sniveling Ferengi dressed for Magnum P.I. They're both after the Tox Uthat. It can halt all nuclear reaction in a star and somebody carelessly left it lying around in the past. 27th Century Vorgons Ajur & Boratis have come back in time for it.

Vash admits she stole Sovak's advance payment for finding the MacGuffin. "It was the only way I could afford to get to Risa." Commerical transport in the Federation, eh? Sounds like a job for... money... in a moneyless society. Vash also isn't planning to GIVE the artifact to the Daytrom Institute. I guess that would be... selling it? For some sort of... I dunno... Money? She may be some sort of throwback, but she's a sexy throwback.

"Any woman who can beat a Ferengi at his own game bears watching," says the Captain. And on their nighttime sleeping bag expedition he does a little bit more than watch, if you take my meaning.

Since this spot on Risa is a beach resort, I kind of wondered why the Vorgons showed up in brown flannel and woolen mittens instead of beach wear. (Even Picard brought his trunks!) Then I realized, for all I know, they're NUDE. Which, truth to tell, is much more terrifying.

"Captain's Holiday" exists largely for a romp and at the request of Patrick Stewart for Picard to be less dud, more stud. Well, it's fun on a bun! Nice one, producer Ira Steven Behr. I forsee you'll do big things!

(Belated thanks to talented artist Lauren Castor AKA merrypranxter for the horga'hn which I acquired years back in typical Ferengi fashion... by swiping it. Buy the jamaharon t-shirt!)