Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Time Trap

** (2 stars out of 5)
Perhaps because Captain Kirk behaved incorrectly with some Admiral's significant other, the Enterprise has been assigned to survey an uninhabited sector with an ancient history of mysterious starship disappearances. It's called 'The Delta Triangle'.

Nice knowing you guys!

Klingon vessel Klothos, with Kor in command, falls down the rabbit hole just before Enterprise does.

It's a dizzying ride. "I can't orient myself," says Sulu. Oh my.

Oh, look, a graveyard of missing ships, perhaps in some other continuum.

"There are ships here I've only seen crude drawings of!" Scott declares (tongue firmly in cheek?)

Scotty spots the old Bonaventure, first ship to have warp drive installed, lost centuries ago on its third voyage. In deference to later, better stories which apparently contradict EVERYTHING about this statement except perhaps the word 'ship', I choose to believe Scotty's talking about one of those teeny, tiny ships you can barely see BEHIND the blunted, bloated, modern monstrosity of a Constitution Class kit-bash rip-off in the foreground!!! Also that, by "installed" Scotty means swapped out from Cochrane's ACTUAL first warp ship, Phoenix.

(These are the kind of logical hoops you have to jump through if you want to be a REAL Trekkie, not just some mildly fanatical dilettante. Just give me a minute to fetch my medication...)

Speaking of crazy, who can name all 123 races in the council of Elysia, the pacifist castaways of this 'pocket in the garment of time'? I see Orion, Romulan, Klingon, Kzinti, Andorian, Phylosian, Vulcanian, Tellarite, Human, and Gorn. Name the remaining 113 and win the first Insaniac Grand Prize ever bestowed by Yours Truly! (Psst: here's a hint. Xindi. He's either that or a thin, brown Ovion from Battlestar Galactica.)

Time passes slowly here. For example: the council, though very old, still wear swimsuits to work.

The council will impose "the ultimate penalty" for any act of violence committed here. The penalty consists of ship immobilization for one century. Yet, as they say moments later, 'a century means nothing to us'. (So... why is your ultimate penalty one which means nothing?)

The psionic Megan (or is she a Megan from Megas-Tu, rather than someone named Megan?) detects Klingon treachery. Good one. Myself? I detect snow is cold.

Spock's solution to escape The Pocket requires conjoining with the Klothos. Kor and his scientist Kaz conspire to disintegrate Enterprise as soon as the escape is complete. (Perhaps they are disgruntled that Klothos will be on the bottom during the... coupling.)

Spock is real handsy with their Klingon guests, palling around in a strange, uncharacteristic manner. Of course, this is a ruse to read their sabotage plan in their minds. He's not... you know... into them.

That said, McCoy asks Kali (a Klingon woman) to dance, sparking a brief, one-sided duel with Kaz. Xerius of The Elysia Council commutes the sentence against the Klingons at Kirk's behest.
Spock locates and ejects the tiny Klingon explosive and everybody who counts goes home.

Star Trek's first televised 'becalmed in the Sargasso' story will not be its last. Pity.

"The Time Trap" just doesn't feel like any great shakes to me. They get trapped, they escape. End of story. The two stars are mostly because I like to see aliens and spaceships. Only I'd prefer they actually DO things.

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