Friday, November 18, 2011

Requiem For Methuselah

** (2 stars out of 5)

"Requiem For Methuselah" may be well-performed, but I object to its principles, or lack thereof. You can't have tragedies without having fatal flaws, but our heroes fail a lot today.

Ryetayln, a rare medication mixing ritalin and rye, is needed to cure Rigellian fever, which has infected the crew and killed three. Mixologist McCoy to the rescue!

The doctor, Spock, and Kirk beam down to planetoid Holberg 917G and are set upon by upside-down NOMAD wearing a pair of colanders. It's called M-4 (Daystrom's cast off, no doubt).

Get offn' my poperty! grouses Mr. Flint, the owner of the robot (and the planet) in so many more high-falutin' words. Flint also mutters on about listening to the rustling rats in 1334. It's not an apartment number- he's an immortal. You can tell: he's got a lot of artsy stuff.

Flint tells his girl genius ward Rayna Kapec that humans are selfish and brutal. So she rushes out to meet them!

M-4 attacks Kirk for attacking Rayna with kisses. Spock disintegrates M-4, and another is quickly back at work, thanks for playing.

Spock does not attempt to kiss M-4.

Scan of Flint shows the recluse is 6,000 years old. He claims to have been Solomon, Alexander, Lazarus, Methuselah, Merlin etc. Also that he knew Galileo, Socrates, Moses why not, yadda yadda. Stone tablet birth certificate: born 3834 BC in Mesopotamia. As the B-52s had it- 'where they laid down the law'. If you mentioned it, Flint would probably say he WAS the B-52s. All of them.

Rather than risk his privacy Flint suspends the Enterprise crew in an AMC model kit on his desk. As you do. At least as you do if you are hoarding advanced transmutation, stasis, and mass manipulation tech the likes of which might benefit humankind if applied for unselfish purposes. But his jerkiness doesn't stop there...

Flint was matchmaking Kirk and Rayna in the hopes that the Captain would prime the pump of her robot feelings and Flint could then have her for himself. As he is her CREATOR, I have to say: Ick. Sorry, but if you crafted her, taught her, raised her, (given she is self-willed and emotional) then the word is not immortal lover, not "property" but daughter. You ass.

Kirk has fallen so hard for Rayna during one hour that he seems to have forgotten his men are dying. Kirk also forgets about his not killing policy and physically fights Flint for the Girlbot.

Rayna is so brittle that she dies of the vapours from watching them fight. Back to the drawing board.

McCoy, who also seems to have forgotten everything at stake, (and that taking a pulse might be useless on an android) scans and says Flint is dying of not being on Earth. Um... move back? No, forget it, don't care, he seems like a jerk ass jerk.

Finally, Spock uses mind meld to erase miserable, grieving Kirk's memory of Rayna. Without Kirk's permission. Uh, not cool. Is this some Federation custom? Reverse Ethics Day? I think either Flint's brandy or the brain attack of the Lights of Zetar must have done more damage than anyone thought.

Why are immortals always famous people? And who is in the tombs of Brahms, da Vinci, etc? Did this ass kill a vagrant every 50 years on average since Sumeria? Forget a Requiem, this Methuselah deserves a punch.

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