The Omega Glory

* (1 star out of 5)

U.S.S. Exeter was patrolling around Planet Omega IV (with fatty acids) six months ago, now it's circling around empty... except for hundreds of uniforms full of tiny, white crystals.

Is it in poor taste to suggest the writer of 'The Omega Glory' may have smoked some of these crystals?

Exeter's last survivor, Captain Ron Tracey, is an identical cousin of Tantalus Director Simon Van Gelder from 'Dagger of the Mind'. And he seems to think he's the GREAT WHITE HOPE of the world. Sorry, I meant THE CREAM OF THE CROP... and the cream is WHITE. Is this sounding racist? Well, get used to it.

The local villagers, called Kohms, are Asian flavored tyrants and the grunting savages are a Caucasian brand called Yangs.

Kirk tells us that a star captain's most solemn oath is to die or sacrifice his whole crew before violating the Prime Directive of Non-Interference. (I guess nobody made John Gill take this oath before he brought us Nazi World now with Extra Nukes. But what's Captain Kirk's excuse? Is there a clause where you can interfere- as long as the culture you're messing up is stagnant?)

Captain Tracey thinks he's found the fountain of youth in this planet's post-apocalyptic viral stew of an environment. The locals live for well over a thousand years, you see. McCoy confirms you might cure the common cold here, but you'd have to plague and bomb yourselves silly first.

His phaser out of power from killing THOUSANDS of Yangs, Tracey decides to 'axe' Kirk a question: Can I have ten more phasers?

The insane speculation continues: Yangs might be Yankees with a quasi-American Indian culture, Kohms could be Commies playing Mongol hordes. But every mad guess is true: the Yangs have a tattered American flag, a Bible in English, the American Constitution and the Pledge of Allegiance. By the mighty evolutionary power of coincidental horse shit!

Ron and Kirk have a knife fight to determine who is the more awesome. Guess which.

Spock's mental command to a Yang gets her to open a communicator and bring Sulu's rescue.

Yup, he just looks at women and they do his bidding. Spock, ladies and gentlefish!

Kirk's rant in praise of the blessed holy perfection of the United States Constitution rings every jingoistic jingo bell in the jingo gym. He pokes the Yang Chief, arrests Tracey, and leaves us scratching our heads. Scratching our heads with victory!(?)

What bugged me most? Weird disease that cures itself? Immortality red herring? Racial insensitivity- to at least three races, not counting Vulcans? Kirk's rapid recovery from skull bashing with a metal bar? Or the finger of God that touched America and made it a light unto the universe forever? Maybe those last two cancel each other out: when McCoy repairs Kirk's brain hemorrhages the preaching will tone down again.