Kir'Shara

**** (4 stars out of 5)

The living spirit of Surak (the Vulcan Bono) guides Captain Archer to the "Kir'Shara", a Rosetta Stone revealing the 1800-year-old teachings of enlightenment that have been lost on a Vulcan culture of miserly, xenophobic, bigoted, back-stabbing, self-loathing, war-mongers for quite some time now.

Tucker flies out to Andorian territory so Shran and Soval can shout in each other's faces and realize at last they have some common ground: hating the Vulcan government. Shran kidnaps and tortures Soval ANYWAY, but at least Shran feels kind of bad about it afterwards.

Tucker does his level best to defuse the frayed nerves, but Vulcan and Andorian guns start a-blazin', with Enterprise caught in the middle texting OMG and WTF.

If I've learned anything from the Vulcan military's failed attempt to murder all the pacifists, it is "Don't carry a metal lirpa directly into sand lightning." Logic!

Archer activates the fifth element stone with earth, air, fire, and water and re-boots the Matrix. Surak's original writings! Logic Thy Neighbour. Nothing Unreal Exists. Don't Eat Yellow Sand. The High Command is dissolved, President Bush... uh, I mean V'Las is disgraced, and mindless race war with Andoria returned to 'Plan B' status.

Remember how before T'Pol was a drug addict, she picked up a disease from a mind-meld date-rape? Well, worry no more, because the gentle touch of a lady Vulcan with a LOT of experience can make it all better. T'Pau cures T'Pol's Pa'Nar syndrome (then cures HUNDREDS of other sheepish clients who all mutter the equivalent of "I fell on it"). Since T'Pol's mom died when the V'Las military bombed her sanctuary, T'Pol's sham marriage serves no purpose, either. That block of wood Koss performs a Citizen's Divorce. Yay!

But who was behind V'Las' throne of skulls? Romulans!? Where the hell were you guys LAST year? Oh... right- plotting, scheming, and twirling your moustaches in caves under Vulcan. And that's exactly what I love about this season. Being a prequel means never having to say Xindi when you mean Romulan!

Is There In Truth No Beauty?

** (2 stars out of 5)

"Is There in Truth No Beauty?" is the third and final classic Trek episode title which is a question, after "What Are Little Girls Made Of?" and "Who Mourns For Adonais?". The answers are: (a) Sugar, Spice & Motor Oil (b) Adonais' Knocked Up Girlfriend and (c) Yeah, sure, I guess, but don't look at a Medusan.

Medusans have been known to drive humans who glimpse their formless forms insane.

Great caution must therefore be taken while driving their Ambassador Kollos home. He lives in a box and if you enjoy your marbles, never, never, ever even go NEAR one without a filter visor.

Dr. Miranda Jones, identical cousin of Ann Mulhall from "Return To Tomorrow", was born a telepath and therefore had to study on Vulcan for four years to learn NOT to read minds. She looks into the box without a visor and is devoted to the kind-hearted goblin inside it.

Psychologist Miranda, it seems, is going away with Kollos to his homeworld. Everyone acts like she's never coming back. She's rejected the stalker love of engineer Larry Marvick, so Larry wants to kill Kollos. Larry goes with a phaser, but unvisored, into Kollos' quarters. This is the guy who hands out the visors! How do you forget a thing like that? It was only a matter of time before Larry wandered out an airlock without a suit, into radiation without medication, or fed a Mogwai after midnight.

Gone mad, the nutter Marvick throttles Scott, then throttles the warp engines above 9.5 toward the galactic barrier. Enterprise is lost in uncharted space, in a swirling colorful void. With Larry dead, it seems no sane man can plot the return course.

Can't Miranda link with Kollos and use his advanced navigation skills? Well, no, because as McCoy now reveals, she's blind. She uses a sophisticated sensor net in her clothing, but it is not a complete substitute for vision. Instead, Kollos and Spock make a delightful, laughing, poetic pair when mind-melded and they steer the ship out of WTF Space.

In all the celebrating and some off-handed pontificating on the loneliness of the human condition, Kollos/Spock forget to visor up. How many times?!? Bad things happen when you don't wear protection.

As the Vulcan is lying near death, Kirk shouts at Miranda his belief that she telepathically MADE Spock forget his shades out of jealousy. That her murderous heart is why she can't meld with Kollos. So he walks out and leaves Spock alone with her!?!

How fortunate she proves him wrong. Her mind meld heals Spock and she wins Kollos' approval. 'Ray!

Spock's formal wear includes a medallion called the IDIC, which is the most revered of all Vulcan symbols. It looks like a triangle having sex with a circle, thus producing a diamond. It stands for Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combination. It also stands for big money for big Rodenberry, another geegaw to hock at conventions in years to come.