Acquisition

**** (4 stars out of 5)

It's about time Clint Howard was a Ferengi! Talk about Born to the Lobes! Not to mention the Grand Proxy... I mean, Neelix... I mean, Dr. Farek... hey, is that guy Krem supposed to be Brunt's ancestor or Shran's identical cousin?

The Greedy Ones slip the whole ship a mickey while Trip is taking a steam in decon.  Now only a Good Ole Boy in his skivvies can prevent the alien goobers from stripping the ship and selling the females. Or is that stripping the females and selling the ship?

(It's a haphazard looting when chairs have the same value as a sack of pies. I'd take the pies. Any day.)

Due to cowardice and continuity, the talking pumpkins never identify themselves when quizzing Archer on the location of his vault. After all: "A man is only worth the sum of his possessions". Exactly the kind of thinking that nearly ruined Earth! Not that we're still rubbing that in everyone's face. How many nuclear armageddons have YOU bounced back from?

Ulis and Muk have a falling out over who's the Boss and who's the Menk. "Everyone knows you'd steal the wax out of your own mother's ears!" Trip and Archer have a knock down fist fight over how much to sell "Mrs. Trip Sato" for. Finally, tonight T'Pol plays the role of Bilbo Baggins by causing a ruckus between three trolls. Although Bilbo never referred to himself as a Love Slave!

We've seen the last of the Ferengi. Check your wallets before you leave.

"Acquisition" has internet detractors fuming like pot-smoking Excalbians because it is A) taking a dump on continuity by meeting the Money Grubs two centuries early but not bothering to get their names and B) goofy. I am not among them. My take away is that the NX-01 crew are simply HORRIBLE record keepers! But, ask yourself: would YOU want posterity to know how four inept slobs without the brains the Preservers gave a mushroom nearly bested 80 of Earth's Best with the old "Does this artifact smell like chloroform to you?"

False Profits

*** (3 stars out of 5)
I knew only two things about the Delta Quadrant before Voyager took us there and found it was stuffed to the gills with Kazon. One, it was probably the domain of the Borg and Guinan's assimilated homeworld. And Two, there were two Ferengi stranded there. One of those story elements plays out tonight. Lucky us!

Seven years ago, Arridor and Kol of the Ferengi Alliance fell out of the sky onto some gullible rubes who worshipped them as gods and fell easily into the dog-eat-dog mode of capitalism. The So-Called "Holy Sages" set about bilking the populace much as Quark would have done to Earth in "Little Green Men" had he successfully avoided being dissected. Harem Girls, Hot and Spicy Grubs, and all the endless fields of over-farmed muck they can drive to economic ruin!

The Takarians are Bronze Age humanoids straight off the set of some American bastardization of Monty Python. By which I mean they are only intermittently funny. Well, I shouldn't knock it. The beggar with the fake eye patch is a good. And the Sages' Toadying Lickspittle is a hoot.

Get this gang: Janeway's plan to stop the exploitation, to "Out-Ferengi The Ferengi" is to dress Neelix up as one of the Halloween Pumpkins, pretend he is the Nagus' 'Grand Proxy' and have him improvise a solution by bossing them around. Now, is it just me, or is Neelix actually one of the LEAST qualified men aboard to fill this role? HE HAS NEVER EVEN HEARD OF A FERENGI. Why... just... why? Is portliness a requirement of the Grand Proxy? And if so, is a bulky coat really harder to manufacture than the head-cheeks, giant lobes, and coaching him on EVERYTHING anyone knows about Ferengi?

Possibly from frustration at the silliness of it all, the over-exploited locals decide the time has come to fulfill that chorus of the "Song of the Sages" where they set the sages alight with torches. Transporters pull their fat out of the fire, but the scamps out-fox the Federation. Arridor and Kol sneak out in their old shuttlepod, and in the process they break the Barzan wormhole and end up Roddenberry knows where. Possibly Andromeda. (Not the galaxy, the dopey TV show. One of the later seasons.)

"False Profits" is an acquired taste and I seem to have lost it today. But, honestly, good effort. Not uproarious, but I still get a kick out of Ethan Phillips delivery of the line: "I am the Holy Pilgrim!" He's like a gay alien Billy Graham. And that's worth the price of admission. 12 Frangs, please.

The Last Outpost

** (2 stars out of 5)

In the Delphi Ardu system, Enterprise makes Starfleet's first close contact with the Ferengi (apart from rumours) to the satisfaction of very few.

Data uses the contraction "this shouldn't be" and as they will later tell us, that should not be. I again bring up the slip of the tongue: Data doesn't use contractions, but he DOES screw up.

Counselor Troi can't sense Ferengi thoughts. Data likens them to Riker's Yankee forbears, sailing the galaxy in search of mercantile and territorial opportunity. Displaying the worst traits of capitalism. And the worst teeth this side of UK VII.

Despite his command uniform, La Forge plays Chief Engineer here with great enthusiasm.

"He will triumph who knows when to fight and when not to fight," says Riker, quoting Sun Tzu.

"Merde," says Picard later, quoting a lot of people. The universal translator couldn't have rendered THAT one on eighties TV!

One of the strengths of Picard's command style is his expressed interest in everyone's opinion. Unless it's THE BOY. Somehow Wesley is THE BOY now. Did he earn this disdain when he saved all your damn lives?

Stuck fast in space and losing power, thinking the Ferengi have trapped them, Picard speaks too vaguely of terms for Enterprise's surrender. When Daimon Tarr surrenders instead, Picard realizes nobody has the upper hand. Both are trapped. The Ferengi offer to give back the stolen energy converter and throw in the lives of their second officers. Picard would settle for a muffin gift basket. Or fire nine warning torpedoes and wait a day.

Delphi Ardu was "The Last Outpost" of the mighty Tkon Empire, extinct for 600,000 years, but once capable of moving stars.

Tarr's idea of "a science team" makes me wonder about him. Plasma whips, fur togas, and an insidious bite attack. 'PYGMY CRETINS!' growls Worf.

Letec and his cronies steal Riker's gold communicator badge. They'd heard "hu-mons" force their females to wear clothing, and now Yar has proven it. "Sickening!" Wearing clothes invites others to unclothe them- the depth of perversion! You gotta love Ferengi logic...

The Ferengi explain humans to recently awakened Tkon Portal 63. "You see, they are demented. Their values are insane. You cannot believe the business opportunities they have destroyed!"

Portal 63, however, is more impressed by Riker's courage than by Ferengi posturing.

Portal's not the only one: the capering antics of the first three Ferengi failed to make them into a threatening new enemy race, but as comic foils they're not going anywhere!

Riker might put it best: "We can hardly hate what we once were."