Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Choose Your Pain

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Michael has a sense of empathy for Rippy the Gator, and who wouldn't? It was clearly a very discerning creature when it mauled Chief Landry. But now EVERY Starfleet ship has been ordered out to hunt these giant tardigrades to stuff into their mushroom engines. Discovery has had 3 weeks of success popping up out of a haze like Alice's Caterpillar and drowning the enemy in bong water.

Admiral Katrina Cornwell tells new fleet darling Captain Lorca he shouldn't have the mutineer on his crew, but she's not complaining very hard because Lorca is a dreamboat.

Dreamboat finds himself in a brutal Klingon prison. His cellmates are handsome Lt. Ash Tyler and Dwight Scrute, as an amazingly good Harry Mudd. Well, by GOOD, I mean a good performance. He picks who gets kicks & Mudd, plainly, never picks himself. The cynical civilian and his spider Stuart are squealing to the guards. But Ash is holding up handsomely, too, for a guy who's been captive 7 months. Lorca is suspicious, but not to worry- Ash is alive because he's been having human-on-pinecone relations with L'Rell the torturer.

Unsteady as Acting Captain, Saru asks for the most decorated Captains living & deceased, so a fanservice screen pops up. We’ve heard of EVERY one, they’re all human, and unless there’s a crammed page 2 of Q-Z you could count them on one hand. Nice diversity, Starfleet.

Oh, yeah, so, Tilly and Stamets drop the f-bomb. Amidst all this deadly serious joylessness, it was kind of a great moment! Not for kids. But I'd be more worried about the prison guards kicking a guy's fucking head in than whether your teens use curse words. This ain't your grandfather's Star Trek, old man!

Lorca is also an inspiration to your kids with his hints at Klingon anatomy, or the thrilling tale of how he blew up his entire crew on the USS Buran to save them from degradation at the clawed hands and doubled anatomy of the enemy, and was, obviously, rewarded with Discovery.

Overworked Tardy the Engine Bear squeezes itself out like a sponge & curls up. With 134 souls to protect, Saru insists on working it to death. Dr Culber tries to stick up for the possible sentient. I thought it goes: To seek out new life & stab them with needles until they aid our war effort.

Lorca & Ash make their escape, and in heroic Starfleet fashion they leave that wailing sellout Mudd behind to suffer as he swears revenge. Morally, it’s a garbage decision, but, hey, it's tactically very questionable too. Ash pummels L’Rell & Lorca melts her, uh, face, I guess you'd call it? Again, these are very ugly Klingons.

Not as ugly as the abomination they're calling the D7 battlecruiser now! You know, there are a lot of numbers and letters in the alphabet- call it the D4 and I wouldn't get to whine so much!

Paul Stamets saves the day with illegal eugenics to take Tardy’s place. So good news all around: Lorca & Ash are back aboard, and now we have a new action figure: Stigmata Stamets!

Saru mends fences with Michael, admitting his anger & jealousy of her mentorship. He orders her to save the tardigrade, so Tilly prays over it and they free it. Very laudable morally, & again, strategically bonkers.

While brushing their teeth, Dr Culber frets over his lover Stamets- neither notices that Paul's reflection is not behaving. Uh-oh!

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