Unexpected

** (2 stars out of 5)

On a Xyrillian ship, resequenced photons create holographic illusions. Grass grows on the floor, food grows on the walls, and babies grow in the menfolk! It's a topsy-turvy, candy-dandy gumdrop world! And before you ask, yes, Red Dwarf did "Pregnant Man" first and better. It goes without saying that it was also funnier.

But the teaser is great. There's a whole star there just for Archer's awkward moment when the gravity goes out in his shower. So while we're on the subject of making a potentially deadly, dangerous, serious accident silly, embarrassing, and inconsequential, what if Trip got knocked up?

Engineer Ah'len, a Xyrillian from Thera, asks some perfunctory questions about Trip's beard and immediately makes telepathic finger contact in a box of granules. Bingo, bango, bongo, Tucker grows wrist nipples and a blastocyst in his pericardium. Couldn't he keep his fingers in his pants where they belong?

"You may be putting those nipples to work before you know it," Phlox chirps. Well, why should T'Pol be the only one? Speaking of: does T'Pol's mood seem more disgusted, contemptuous, or jealous? And are we SURE she's a Vulcan?

Klingons attack because... uh... because they're Klingons, that's why! SHUT UP! Captain Vorok's ship is top of the line- it even has the tractor beam and working torpedoes that Archer's ship doesn't. Perhaps the outclassed humans can take comfort in the fact that this exact ship design will still be in use by the Klingons for at least the next two centuries. Innovation, thy name is... well, not Klingons. In fact, when the opportunity arises to seize cloaking technology from the Xyrillians, Vorok nabs HOLODECK technology instead. Are we SURE he's a KLINGON?

All's well that ends well when it turns out that the lizards who can't fix their own engines, or even make water, can transfer fetuses from father to father with the greatest of ease.

"Unexpected" is a quirky idea awkwardly presented, and the funniest scene they created was deleted. In which T'Pol (innocently?) recommends a nauseated Trip might like to suck a Rigellian sausage. Well, I liked it anyway. In case it ever comes up (and it won't- no one ever saw the Xyrillians again) UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES HOLD HANDS WITH THEM IN A CAT'S LITTERBOX. If it ever comes up.

Strange New World

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Vulcans typically spend weeks letting probes look a place over before they send any landing parties. Humans say NUTS TO THAT!

Humans die a lot.

We've heard a lot of talk about Class M planets. Now we know why: it's from the Vulcan classification Minshara. It means little, blue, green, and planetoid-y. Perfect place for a stroll. SUSPICIOUSLY perfect!

Time for a camping trip. And Trip to go camping! Ghost stories, marsh melons, guy-on-guy tent pitching... But, wait! There's a blue-gilled neck bug from 'Conspiracy' in Trip's sleeping bag! He has no way of knowing... but he's right to try to kill it! Or maybe that's just more of Hodgkin's Parallel Insect Development. You could ask Cutler the entomologist, but she's mostly here so the weenie roast isn't such a sausage fest. And to look around in awe and wonder. Awww! Wonder, wonder...

Back in 2151, they have a working transporter, but everybody trusts it about 10,000 kilometers less far than they can throw it. There is a good reason for this: a stiff wind during beaming can result in leaves, twigs, and grit beaming up as part of your skin. Poor redshirt Novakovich! Do you think Phlox treats leaf skin with aloe?

So much for Archer's catchphrase: "We can't be afraid of the wind."

This "Strange New World" doesn't get a name on screen yet, but we've already heard it mentioned in 'Yesterday's Enterprise'. This is Archer IV. Don't be afraid of the wind- be afraid of the hallcinogenic paranoia pollen CARRIED by the wind! It's not as much fun as the spores of Omicron Ceti III. Or the PSI 2000 virus. But short of getting drunk or having sensible conversations it's a quick way to get to know each other early in a mission. If that's what you're into.

Fight or Flight

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Before we get started, I neglected to complain yesterday about T'Pol's dialogue in 'Broken Bow'. Since writers Berman and Braga also wrote today's story, I will indulge myself anyway!

After slapping Trip down when he's trying to help in what looks a hell of a lot like two violent altercations, the Vulcan schoolmarm launches into an explanation of why the second one is not what he suspects. Then I imagine she MEANT to tell him to think more objectively, or to use more objectivity, but what she SAYS is: "You should learn to objectify other cultures." That can't be right, can it? Treat them as things without regard to their dignity? If only T'Pol wasn't such a know-it-all, maybe she could ask Hoshi for an English lesson.

But not today: today Hoshi is taking care of the sickly slug she has adopted! It soon becomes a metaphor for Ensign Sato's own utter unhappiness with space travel. And who could blame her? Their ACTUAL first contact is with a dozen corpses being drained for their arousing fluids by some unseen Lymph Vampires!

And speaking of arousing, Dr. Phlox is both avuncular and a little too interested in exploring humans. Or at least watching them explore each other! Still, he's following (or is that establishing?) a long and venerable tradition of pervy Starfleet doctors. How did Bev Crusher manage to avoid this terrible curse?

Since Stardates aren't a thing yet, we discover that it's May 6, 2151. Thanks to Hoshi's brilliantly unlikely ability to translate brand-new languages merely by hearing a few spoken words, first contact is established with the Axanar: androgynous Newt-Manoids with a four century lifespan. Which could mean one of these "guys" would later be killed by Starfleet's Captain Garth or pin a peace medal on Captain Kirk. (Probably not both, though.)

"Fight or Flight" begs the question: who has a SLUG for a pet? Wouldn't you rather be sneaking cheese to an adorable puppy than watching a banana slug ooze across something? Hey, I'm not being mean here. I'm just following that sanctimonious Vulcan chick's advice to objectify other cultures.

Broken Bow

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Long ago, in the distant future, a boy and his dad built a spaceship.

Jonathan Archer (who should be thanking his lucky stars he wasn't born in the post-atomic horror like most people in the 22nd Century) is impatient to sail the skies. And why not? The skies are full of Klingons and shifty cantaloupe-faced goblins called Suliban. When multi-jointed, gene-altered alien terrorists can slide under your door, it might be time to start evolving!

Zefram Cochrane's warp engine changed everything (you guys remember ST: First Contact, right?). Earth is gradually de-crapifying in an attempt to impress the holier-than-thou next-door neighbours: those loveable nerds from Vulcan. Or, back in these days, those detestable shitheels from Vulcan. Without the Vulcanian non-interference policy, Cochrane or his protege Henry Archer might have lived to see a human starship fast enough to actually go anyplace.

Archer's son Jonathan completed the Enterprise NX-01 out of love and spite, and now he wants to rub it in the placid jerk face of every jerk Vulcan he meets. When it finally launches, even Cochrane smiles down from heaven and grumbles "That'll do, pig."

Jon gathers his crew, beginning with T'Pol, the duck-lipped science officer graciously foisted upon him by the aforementioned Vulcans. One free Science Elf with every Enterprise! Logically, she dresses like Seven of Nine and oozes disdain. Or is that supposed to be sex appeal? I find it hard to tell- T'Pol LITERALLY thinks humans are stinking up the joint! Smug, stand-offish, and incapable of enjoyment. Yeah, that gets me hot and bothered for sure.


Engineer Charles Tucker, we'll learn, has been in Starfleet for 12 years but he's only been to ONE inhabited world and apparently isn't trained in zero-G. So... Starfleet's not so much a fleet, and it doesn't really go to the stars very often, either.

Armoury officer Malcolm Reed has devoted his life to guns and ammo, so he knows all about plasma rifles in the 40-watt range, and about as much about the new phase pistol as any three year old: "It has two settings- stun and kill. It would be best not to mix them up."

Ensign Travis Mayweather was born in space and likes boobies! I'm sure in the next four years we'll learn much, much more about him! Ensign Hoshi Sato is a cunning linguist. Nuff said. Well, no, not really. She also cussed out T'Pol, so she won me over pretty fast! Archer badgered her into coming along, but she has more phobias than Reg Barclay. And she's cuter.

Speaking of cute, let's not forget quirky Dr. Phlox, the observant outsider whose catchphrase "OPTIMISM!" I've stolen for my own.

Our merry band is off to meet the Klingons, and make a marginally worse first impression than the Vulcans would have if they'd just held a cloth over Mr. Klaang's face and asked him if it smelled like chloroform. Also, they make a pit stop at the arm-pit planet Rigel X, where ladies dressed in paint eat butterflies with their Gene Simmons tongues. For Science!

And for good measure, the Suliban appear to be embroiled in something complicated and intriguing called the Temporal Cold War which means Scott Bakula gets to say "Time travel?" and remind us all to buy Quantum Leap on Blu-Ray.

"Broken Bow" (Broken Bow? Archer? How did I only just NOW notice that?) is dogged with uncertainty despite the certainty of its adorable dog (the captain's beagle Porthos). Even Paramount was no proud parent: like a bastard stepchild the program didn't even bear the family name until it was 2 years old! (The DVD's have boldly ret-conned history by inserting the 'Star Trek Enterprise' logo where stark and lonely 'Enterprise' once stood alone. But die-hards knew: it was the same old Star Trek. Tired, flawed, wonderful, old Star Trek- NOW WITH BASEBALL HATS!

Endgame

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Ever see "All Good Things..."? Well, then, this may seem a little familiar. Still, as I may have mentioned, I'm a sucker for time travel.

Janeway had a successful 23 year trip home, 10 years of relative peace and quiet since, and a snazzy hand-me-down turn-of-the-25th-century Vice Admiral uniform from that alternate future that's always about to happen yet never quite gets here. Despite it all, Kathryn Janeway has some regrets. And a time machine.

To be clear, it's no dystopia she's living in. Harry's a captain. Barclay's a commander. The EMH underwhelmed everyone by picking the name Joe and a human trophy wife. Tom has a receding hairline but he's written such holo-bestsellers as "I Broke The Warp 10 Barrier, Fathered Illegitimate Salamanders, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt". B'Elanna has Worf's old job and her daughter Ensign Miral Paris is so loyal she'd erase this entire Next Next Generation at Janeway's slightest whim. (She erased it yesterday when Janeway burned a toaster strudel.)

Granted, Tuvok lost his marbles and 24 crew including Seven and her husband Chakotay didn't live to enjoy decades of nothing to talk about. But if you're already re-writing 26 years of time what's another 7? Go back a month earlier for poor Carey. Go back to 2371 and save beloved fan favourite Durst. Go back to Wolf 359 and head off the damn Dominion War while you're at it!

Still, why EARN things if you can just go back in time and hand yourself all the answers? And if you can sacrifice your wrinkly old butt to cripple the Borg in the process, then who cares how many Sabrina Wildmans you erase? There'll still be a Janeway left over. And a newborn baby Miral if you like. And heck, if you're selfishly breaking all the laws of time and space ANYWAY, a seven year journey makes for a compromise the admiralty will probably overlook at your Temporal Prime Directive Court Martial. And self-replicating anti-Borg ablative Batmobile armour to hand over might win you brownie points, too. Just not audience brownie points- for anyone who wondered what the future really held.

"Endgame" is visually brilliant and continues the tradition of turning the Star Trek concept into a snake eating its own tail. Yet I love it so, even when I find it hard to like. May you find the journey home to be as challenging as you can manage, and as rewarding as you would wish.

Renaissance Man

*** (3 stars out of 5)

They can build hulls that keep out the cold of space, and shields that withstand the heat of a star's corona, but they can't make an opera-proof wall so Captain Janeway can sleep through a pleasure cruise with the Doctor.  But then again, why would you want to?  The Doctor is a marvel and a delight!

He can change his shape and voice, run circles around humans without tiring, leap through walls or run UP them, and yet these skills are only deployed today in the service of the Sontarans... uh, Hierarchy renegade Mole Men. With Janeway hostage, the Doctor must take on every key role on the ship, knocking unconscious those he impersonates and hiding them in morgue drawers. Yet sneaking around falsifying B'Elanna's command codes is easier than falsifying a kiss with Tom Paris and his potato salad breath.

Speaking of potatoes, can Janeway and her one-man hologram band outwit the two dumbest spuds in the quadrant, and the 140 smartest? And when the effort takes everything the EMH has, and he thinks he's about to perish, can he embarrass himself any more than he already has?

"Renaissance Man" is an adequate, slightly comic run-around that asks for nothing and gives about the same. But what the hell! If ever Star Trek feels underwhelming I just flip the metaphorical dial for a minute and glance at what a soul-curdling mess is everything else on TV. Then I count my lucky Star Treks.

Homestead

**** (4 stars out of 5)

What do you call 500 Talaxians at the bottom of an asteroid?
I... I don't have a joke ready. It's just a way to write Neelix out of the series.

Welcome to the Wild Western edge of the Delta Quadrant! The hardscrabble hedgehog townsfolk include the Talaxian widow schoolmarm Dexa and her adorable moppet Brax. Also the mayor had an identical cousin starving to death in a Vidiian prison years back, but that's neither here nor there. A Nasty named Nocona is eager to play an explosive game of Whack-A-Mole because once the settlers are dead he'll have the mining rights! He's Tex Richman! His mine'll be so big it'll take three lifetimes to patrol the perimeter! With herds of space cattle so vast they'll distort subspace!

That is, unless Neelix stands up to him in exactly the way Starfleet isn't supposed to. But does anyway, for their furry friends. Then Captain Janeway suggests a change of career for their cook: Federation DQ Ambassador! (Yes, Delta Quadrant, although Dairy Queen is very appealing, too.) Tuvok is so eager to see him off that he calls Neelix the most resourceful man he's ever met and even does a little dance to fulfill the Talaxian's fondest wish.

There's a new chef in town. Sheriff, I mean. New sheriff.

"Homestead" is heartwarming, with Ethan Phillips pointing out how brave and kind Neelix can be and has been. Of course, everyone's so eager to give him the bum's rush into his great new life that they don't seem to remember how little he has left of it. He's got an Ocampan lung pushing eight years old that isn't likely to last to nine, if you'll recall. These Talaxians seem like nice guys, but if they can barely make a shield grid I don't see how they'll be able to handle a lung transplant. Whelp! Too late now!