Renaissance Man

*** (3 stars out of 5)

They can build hulls that keep out the cold of space, and shields that withstand the heat of a star's corona, but they can't make an opera-proof wall so Captain Janeway can sleep through a pleasure cruise with the Doctor.  But then again, why would you want to?  The Doctor is a marvel and a delight!

He can change his shape and voice, run circles around humans without tiring, leap through walls or run UP them, and yet these skills are only deployed today in the service of the Sontarans... uh, Hierarchy renegade Mole Men. With Janeway hostage, the Doctor must take on every key role on the ship, knocking unconscious those he impersonates and hiding them in morgue drawers. Yet sneaking around falsifying B'Elanna's command codes is easier than falsifying a kiss with Tom Paris and his potato salad breath.

Speaking of potatoes, can Janeway and her one-man hologram band outwit the two dumbest spuds in the quadrant, and the 140 smartest? And when the effort takes everything the EMH has, and he thinks he's about to perish, can he embarrass himself any more than he already has?

"Renaissance Man" is an adequate, slightly comic run-around that asks for nothing and gives about the same. But what the hell! If ever Star Trek feels underwhelming I just flip the metaphorical dial for a minute and glance at what a soul-curdling mess is everything else on TV. Then I count my lucky Star Treks.

Survival Instinct

*** (3 stars out of 5)

"Survival Instinct" is a well-performed story, mainly told in flashbacks.

Eight years ago, a Borg scout sphere crashed, and there were only 4 survivors. One was 7 of 9.  The others also worked in Unimatrix 01: 2 of 9 the Primary Adjunct, 4 of 9 the Secondary Adjunct, and 3 of 9 the Auxiliary Processor.  (In case you want to find their Playmates Action Figures, which weren't very popular and admittedly, were never made.)

While consuming a delicious roast 8 of 9 they begin to regain their sense of self. Names, backstories, locker combinations... all flooding back. Horror, disgust, and shame at the ruins they have become overwhelms them. Unable to cope with even a few days of freedom and self-determination, Seven forces the others to be good little drones and wait longer for Hive Mommy to pick them up.

Back in the machine, 2,3, and 4 found that Seven's panicked brain jiggery-pokery made them into a super-secret mini-clique inside the collective, and this allowed them the chance to escape together. Of course, now they have to do EVERYTHING together. Unlike handcuffs and implants, this isn't something they can just saw off. But they'd really like to. Would you want to know about it every time two other people had to poop? I wouldn't.

Catching up to Voyager at a bustling truck stop, the Three Best Friends That Anybody Could Have demand that Seven undo her handiwork, even though it will give them mere weeks to live. It might be awkward to pass Wolf 359 victim Marika Wilkarah in the halls for awhile, but maybe they'll be able to bury her on Bajor.

Incidentally, Lansor was the identical cousin of the Romulan Telek R'Mor. Marika was the identical cousin of the Vulcan Sakonna of the Maquis. P'Chan is probably unrelated to the transforming pig of the same name from the cartoon Ranma 1/2. Probably.

The Offspring

***** (5 stars out of 5)

If you open a door on a shockingly pale man holding a severed foot it isn't usually such a charming story as this. But you'd have to know Data.

Behind the closed doors of a lab on deck 12, the android officer has created life.

Picard is flabbergasted.

"I have not observed anyone else on board consulting you about their procreation, Captain." And unlike them, Data doesn't leave a mess...

Data has named the android, but allowed it to choose its own gender and appearance. Lal wanted to be exactly like Troi, but settles for the option Troi liked: a human female.

"Show me more, Father." Lal learns to blink, and eat, and read. She plays catch to the same skill level as I do at age 35: zero.

Wet Blanket Admiral Haftel wants Lal in the Daystrom Annex for research. And he feels Data's presence would 'retard the new android's progress'. Picard sticks up for Lal as Data's child.

"It may not be easy for you and I to see her that way, but he does. And I respect that."

School is a tough one. Lal couldn't grasp teen socialization, and the pre-teen class they moved her to was afraid. Data has the difficult moment of explaining. "Differences sometimes scare people..."

"I do not wish to be different," Lal asserts. Kid, he gave you flesh tones, that's more than he got!

"I can give her attention..." Data frets to fellow single parent Dr. Crusher. "But I am incapable of giving her love."

"Now why do I find that so hard to believe?" says Beverly to herself.

Does Guinan's Green Stop Sign hat send a mixed message? Stop? Go? Whatever! She hires Lal as a waitress to observe human behaviour. Lal masters the use of contractions, which Data still has not. Hasn't.

Also she should not steal her first kiss from Will Riker. Shouldn't. Does.

Lal asks her father why he still tries to emulate humans.

"It is the struggle itself that is most important. We must strive to be more than we are, Lal. It does not matter that we will never reach our ultimate goal. The effort yields its own rewards."

With Haftel's threat of relocation, Lal runs to Troi and becomes AFRAID. The fear registers in Troi's senses.

Lal's emotional awareness seems to be a symptom of cascade failure. Data and Haftel put aside their differences to try to save her... and fail.

"Another pathway would collapse, and then another. His hands... were moving faster than I could see... he refused to give up. It just wasn't meant to be."

"I love you, father."

"I wish I could feel it with you."

"I will feel it for both of us. Thank you for my life. Flirting. Laughter. Painting. Family. Female. Human." Her last words.

Data transfers Lal's memories back into his mind. It seems strange, but I guess there's a lot of dead people up there already.

"The Offspring" does what it ever has and always will: moves me to tears like a big girl's blouse. It's essentially the same plot as 'The Child', of course, but it works so, SO much better. Hallie Todd's hilarious and heartbreaking performance, Rene Echeverria's touching words, and Spiner, Stewart, Sirtis, et al giving their best.

If you don't like this one, your soul needs a level one diagnostic.

I, Mudd

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Ever thought the new guy was too good to be true?

McCoy's bugged by Norman: aboard for 72 hours and he never smiles or talks about his background. Bones complains to Spock when Norman ducks out of two appointments for his physical exam. Spock remains dubious. "He's probably terrified of your beads and rattles."

But in no time, Norman's taking over the ship and flashing the Captain!

He's got circuitry under his skin (blinking in the original, in motion under a nifty seamless hatch in the special edition).

Norman's hijacking brings them before his planet's ruler: Harry Mudd. Self-styled 'Mudd the First' of Planet Mudd! Surrounded by servile androids, mostly women, quelle surprise.

Mudd fled here after selling a fuel synthesizer to developing world Deneb V without paying royalties, which carries a death sentence there.

"Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!" (And pirated movies, too, Mudd.)

We hear a fun backstory for Mudd: he's fleeing his shrewish nag of a wife, Stella. "I think of her constantly, and every time I do, I go further out into space." He had a Robot Stella made to shut up on command.

Constructed to serve the Makers of the Andromeda galaxy, these androids far outlived them. They are very motivated to have purpose again in the service of human beings, and refuse to let them go. In fact, they empty the whole ship to study and serve.

Chekov knows what time it is. He's drinking on a throne in seconds flat! He wishes the Alice Series were "real girls".

"We are programmed to function as human females, lord." says Alice 118.

"This place is even better than Leningrad!"

Uhura asks the only relevant question and receives an extremely intriguing answer:

these android bodies last over 500,000 years and they have the know-how to put human brains into them.

This information is, of course, totally ignored and quickly abandoned. If they can manage immortality better than Korby's Old One machinery, why is Uhura the only one even slightly tempted? Kirk's strident "We don't belong here" fails to explore this culture or find a way to work with these beings and their strange new life. (I'm just saying. I wouldn't mind being around for 500,000 years with an option to upgrade to millions. Would you?)

Granted, Norman turns out to be a bit of a bossypants. "We cannot allow any race as greedy and corruptible as yours to have free run of the galaxy." Soon, everyone will depend upon robots, and then robots will be in charge. But...

"Androids and robots, well, they're just not capable of independent, creative thought." blurts Scotty, parochially. Sez who, buddy? They came up with this 'Galactic Cop' idea on their own, didn't they? Mudd sure as hell didn't program that. This really comes down to something Mudd says later: they don't believe androids have souls.

Spock determines that their Central Control Unit is Norman, and that they cannot function in troubling, illogical environments without him.

So, they confuse the androids into catatonia by being weird and spinning lies. They caper and cavort until their captors overload.

"...Dying and crying and lamenting over our burdens. Only in this way can we be happy." Scotty & McCoy say this to be illogical, but what's funniest to me is: THEY MEAN IT.

That's kind of the point today: they are fighting to be released from immortality and happiness, mostly because they don't like having robots all up in their business.

"Scotty's dead. He had too much happiness." Possibly there's a warning in here about hedonism leading to stagnation, which of course I completely agree with, unless it interferes with lying around in my underwear eating pie.

With the androids now their bitches instead of their bosses, Kirk puts them to work terraforming and has 500 Stellas manufactured to nag Harry until he stops being an irritant.

"I, Mudd" is cute fluff. Funny, too. But if the Andomedan Androids seemed more benign than Ruk, Landru, Nomad, Vaal and so forth, then maybe it's because they were. It's only a straw man argument- but with tin men. Why not work something out? You don't mind robots working on your Amusement Park Planet, you just have a problem with the uppity ones.

They may not be such pushovers forever.

Court Martial

*** (3 stars out of 5)

It's been a lousy day for our crew. Battered by an ion storm, they've lost an observation pod and more relevantly, the poor records officer who was inside it. They put into beautiful Starbase 11 'The Court Martial-iest starbase in the quadrant" for repairs. The portmaster, Commander Stone, takes Kirk's sworn deposition on the death of Lt. Commander Benjamin Finney, when...

What the... Sailor Moon? No, it's Finney's daughter Jame, here to slap "The main who kailed my faw-ther!"

... when it turns out the computer log has Kirk pegged as a perjuring coward who ejected Finney into space without warning.

At the starbase lounge, Kirk's captain peers and former Academy classmates have all turned against him. Even old Captain Mike (no relation). 'Everybody Loves Finney' was their favorite show, and now all that's on anymore is 'Two & A Half Pieces of a Man'. Kirk refuses to accept a quiet ground assignment under the label of exhaustion, he swears he's innocent and now he's the first starship captain to face Court Martial.

Plus he had sex with his prosecutor, Lt. Areel Shaw, 4 years, 7 months earlier. Whoops. Over the dulcet strains of Alexander Courage's groovy Star Trek Theme muzak, she recommends Samuel T. Cogley for his defense.

"Books, young man, books!" declares Cogley. He hauls around a library of thousands of paper law books and never turns on that blasted synthesized, pasteurized, homogenized law computer!

"You have to be either an obsessive crackpot who's escaped from his keeper or Samuel T. Cogley, Attorney At Law!"

The court clerk has George Jetson's job: push one button and take a seat. Cushy.

Spock and McCoy support Kirk to the hilt as witnesses. Cogley doesn't let the court computer skimp on reading out Kirk's many achievements & valorous awards.

"I wouldn't want to slow the wheels of progress, but then on the other hand, I wouldn't want those wheels to run over my client in their unbridled haste."

The video record looks damning. Not just to Kirk, but to whoever designed a captain's console with the "Jettison Pod" button right next to the "Red Alert". It's like the Spitting Image puppet President Reagan in the "Land of Confusion" video with the identical buttons for "Nurse" and "Nuke". Not too bright.

Cogley argues for human rights- for a man's right to face his accuser: the computer. A machine with no rights has been elevated over a man, and Cogley must demand justice for "Humanity Fading in the Shadow of the Machine."

The scrappy lawyer's antics include a field trip to the empty Enterprise, and an auditory scanner (a machine, incidentally) that saves the day by detecting the hiding Finney's heartbeat. He's faked his death to frame an old friend: he's a jealous, paranoid fruitbat.

"I loved the service more than any man ever dared!" Finney screams.

In fact, it was daring to love a service transtator assembly that really got him passed over for command.

So of course, the Captain chases the renegade down alone. Beats him up... alone. Fixes his sabotage ALONE. While NINE people just sit there listening to the whole thing on the bridge. Cushy.

Nobody take Finney into custody or anything... just finish your lattes.

Kirk kisses Shaw, but never got to thank Sam- the dude is already building a case for Finney's defense.

Cogley- AWAY!

Who was that crazy Luddite?