Homestead

**** (4 stars out of 5)

What do you call 500 Talaxians at the bottom of an asteroid?
I... I don't have a joke ready. It's just a way to write Neelix out of the series.

Welcome to the Wild Western edge of the Delta Quadrant! The hardscrabble hedgehog townsfolk include the Talaxian widow schoolmarm Dexa and her adorable moppet Brax. Also the mayor had an identical cousin starving to death in a Vidiian prison years back, but that's neither here nor there. A Nasty named Nocona is eager to play an explosive game of Whack-A-Mole because once the settlers are dead he'll have the mining rights! He's Tex Richman! His mine'll be so big it'll take three lifetimes to patrol the perimeter! With herds of space cattle so vast they'll distort subspace!

That is, unless Neelix stands up to him in exactly the way Starfleet isn't supposed to. But does anyway, for their furry friends. Then Captain Janeway suggests a change of career for their cook: Federation DQ Ambassador! (Yes, Delta Quadrant, although Dairy Queen is very appealing, too.) Tuvok is so eager to see him off that he calls Neelix the most resourceful man he's ever met and even does a little dance to fulfill the Talaxian's fondest wish.

There's a new chef in town. Sheriff, I mean. New sheriff.

"Homestead" is heartwarming, with Ethan Phillips pointing out how brave and kind Neelix can be and has been. Of course, everyone's so eager to give him the bum's rush into his great new life that they don't seem to remember how little he has left of it. He's got an Ocampan lung pushing eight years old that isn't likely to last to nine, if you'll recall. These Talaxians seem like nice guys, but if they can barely make a shield grid I don't see how they'll be able to handle a lung transplant. Whelp! Too late now!

Phage

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Neelix is mugged and instead of his wallet, the thief steals his lungs. Shades of 'Spock's Brain', you say? Well, turns out it's possible to run with the same story to a much more satisfying end.

The Doctor's inspired temporary solution is a pair of holographic lungs based on Neelix's transporter pattern. So long as the Talaxian remains utterly still in his isotropic restraint and never leaves it for the rest of his life, the device will keep him alive.

The holographic doctor has a friend at last! A friend who can never, ever leave...

While Voyager pursues the organ harvesters, poor Neelix goes none-to-quietly stir crazy. And he didn't have that far to go. He's insanely jealous of the attention Tom Paris pays to Kes: offering his sympathy right in front of the dying boyfriend in what Neelix believes is a clever ploy to ride the Kes Express. Kes, for her part, is insanely sweet and supportive for a one-year old. Ironically, she's the mature one.


Can't they rig Neelix up a voice-activated book to read? Or even a damn TV? It might have prevented or delayed his awful panic attack inside his iron lung.

The organ thieves (the phage-riddled Vidiians) are hiding in an asteroid rigged like a hall of mirrors. I expected more on the chamber of horrors front- bathtubs of kidneys and the like. But the horrors are smaller and maybe a little worse: the patchwork flesh of two civilized but deathly ill bastards who'll do anything to take another breath.

Horrified, Janeway still can't bring herself to kill a guy to get Neelix's lungs back, but swears she'll kill the next Vidiians who even sidle near her people and remark 'What lovely eyes you have..."

In guilt and gratitude, the Vidiians transplant a lung from volunteer Kes and slink off.

So, to be clear, the Holodoc told us that Neelix's original lungs were too complex to replace with artificial ones. Yet Kes' Ocampa lung IS made compatible by advanced Vidiian medicine. We're told ANY lung in the room would have worked. BUT... doesn't this mean that Neelix's only lung will (like Kes) die of old age in a mere 8 years?

Might not logic dictate that Tuvok's lung (with its Vulcan longevity) would better serve? And could not Tuvok then get one of the artificial ones more easily? Whelp, too late now!

"Phage" is another medical drama on the heels of 'Life Support' but I found the stakes higher and I felt awful for Neelix and The Doctor both. (And this time, for Kes, too.) And even the Vidiians! It's quite a feat to make organ-theiving monsters believable and relatable. In my opinion, they're the best Delta Quadrant villains of Season One, because they're hideous, and it's easy to sympathize with their desperation. I want to believe I wouldn't kill others to save myself, but I really hope I never find out.