Endgame

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Ever see "All Good Things..."? Well, then, this may seem a little familiar. Still, as I may have mentioned, I'm a sucker for time travel.

Janeway had a successful 23 year trip home, 10 years of relative peace and quiet since, and a snazzy hand-me-down turn-of-the-25th-century Vice Admiral uniform from that alternate future that's always about to happen yet never quite gets here. Despite it all, Kathryn Janeway has some regrets. And a time machine.

To be clear, it's no dystopia she's living in. Harry's a captain. Barclay's a commander. The EMH underwhelmed everyone by picking the name Joe and a human trophy wife. Tom has a receding hairline but he's written such holo-bestsellers as "I Broke The Warp 10 Barrier, Fathered Illegitimate Salamanders, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt". B'Elanna has Worf's old job and her daughter Ensign Miral Paris is so loyal she'd erase this entire Next Next Generation at Janeway's slightest whim. (She erased it yesterday when Janeway burned a toaster strudel.)

Granted, Tuvok lost his marbles and 24 crew including Seven and her husband Chakotay didn't live to enjoy decades of nothing to talk about. But if you're already re-writing 26 years of time what's another 7? Go back a month earlier for poor Carey. Go back to 2371 and save beloved fan favourite Durst. Go back to Wolf 359 and head off the damn Dominion War while you're at it!

Still, why EARN things if you can just go back in time and hand yourself all the answers? And if you can sacrifice your wrinkly old butt to cripple the Borg in the process, then who cares how many Sabrina Wildmans you erase? There'll still be a Janeway left over. And a newborn baby Miral if you like. And heck, if you're selfishly breaking all the laws of time and space ANYWAY, a seven year journey makes for a compromise the admiralty will probably overlook at your Temporal Prime Directive Court Martial. And self-replicating anti-Borg ablative Batmobile armour to hand over might win you brownie points, too. Just not audience brownie points- for anyone who wondered what the future really held.

"Endgame" is visually brilliant and continues the tradition of turning the Star Trek concept into a snake eating its own tail. Yet I love it so, even when I find it hard to like. May you find the journey home to be as challenging as you can manage, and as rewarding as you would wish.

Renaissance Man

*** (3 stars out of 5)

They can build hulls that keep out the cold of space, and shields that withstand the heat of a star's corona, but they can't make an opera-proof wall so Captain Janeway can sleep through a pleasure cruise with the Doctor.  But then again, why would you want to?  The Doctor is a marvel and a delight!

He can change his shape and voice, run circles around humans without tiring, leap through walls or run UP them, and yet these skills are only deployed today in the service of the Sontarans... uh, Hierarchy renegade Mole Men. With Janeway hostage, the Doctor must take on every key role on the ship, knocking unconscious those he impersonates and hiding them in morgue drawers. Yet sneaking around falsifying B'Elanna's command codes is easier than falsifying a kiss with Tom Paris and his potato salad breath.

Speaking of potatoes, can Janeway and her one-man hologram band outwit the two dumbest spuds in the quadrant, and the 140 smartest? And when the effort takes everything the EMH has, and he thinks he's about to perish, can he embarrass himself any more than he already has?

"Renaissance Man" is an adequate, slightly comic run-around that asks for nothing and gives about the same. But what the hell! If ever Star Trek feels underwhelming I just flip the metaphorical dial for a minute and glance at what a soul-curdling mess is everything else on TV. Then I count my lucky Star Treks.

Homestead

**** (4 stars out of 5)

What do you call 500 Talaxians at the bottom of an asteroid?
I... I don't have a joke ready. It's just a way to write Neelix out of the series.

Welcome to the Wild Western edge of the Delta Quadrant! The hardscrabble hedgehog townsfolk include the Talaxian widow schoolmarm Dexa and her adorable moppet Brax. Also the mayor had an identical cousin starving to death in a Vidiian prison years back, but that's neither here nor there. A Nasty named Nocona is eager to play an explosive game of Whack-A-Mole because once the settlers are dead he'll have the mining rights! He's Tex Richman! His mine'll be so big it'll take three lifetimes to patrol the perimeter! With herds of space cattle so vast they'll distort subspace!

That is, unless Neelix stands up to him in exactly the way Starfleet isn't supposed to. But does anyway, for their furry friends. Then Captain Janeway suggests a change of career for their cook: Federation DQ Ambassador! (Yes, Delta Quadrant, although Dairy Queen is very appealing, too.) Tuvok is so eager to see him off that he calls Neelix the most resourceful man he's ever met and even does a little dance to fulfill the Talaxian's fondest wish.

There's a new chef in town. Sheriff, I mean. New sheriff.

"Homestead" is heartwarming, with Ethan Phillips pointing out how brave and kind Neelix can be and has been. Of course, everyone's so eager to give him the bum's rush into his great new life that they don't seem to remember how little he has left of it. He's got an Ocampan lung pushing eight years old that isn't likely to last to nine, if you'll recall. These Talaxians seem like nice guys, but if they can barely make a shield grid I don't see how they'll be able to handle a lung transplant. Whelp! Too late now!

Natural Law

* (1 star out of 5)

It's an typical day for Voyager: procrastinating the journey home in order to attend some symposium, closely followed by their 100th shuttle crash in 100 days.

Chakotay and Seven wind up Under The Dome on CBS. (CBS stands for Cuddle Bear Stand-By.)

The local Ventu tribe are isolated from the warp-capable Ledosians by a barrier put up long ago by some meddling alien jerktopus or other. The Ventu seem perfectly nice, and they are eager for new fads from their sky-visitors. The guys all get face tattoos and the gals all start stapling on some silicon!

Meanwhile, Tom Paris gets a speeding ticket and must go back to boring old driving school with a boring old instructor. This is mainly so we can discover something new about Janeway: she's a stickler for rules only as long as it's funny, and not personally inconvenient. (The moment she needs Paris back, she breaks local law to get him out of it.) So add "Breaks Laws When It Suits Her" to what we learned yesterday: that she suddenly feels exploration is not worth ONE LOST LIFE. These brand-new character traits from famed law-abiding explorer Captain Janeway will become clear in the finale, I just thought I'd point it out while we're here.

"Natural Law" raises questions about developing cultures, and what more advanced cultures might owe them, and what-not, but since Star Trek does this a lot (and better elsewhere), wouldn't a better Chakotay and Seven episode have been some kind of hearing? On Earth? Having made it back earlier in the season? Where their actions as Borg tactician and Maquis terrorist are discussed and compared against the people they have become? Because this was our last chance to find out what THEIR culture is about lately. Still, we get to see Seven trip and fall down. Surely that's a series highlight.

Friendship One

*** (3 stars out of 5)

The warp-powered Friendship I probe was launched in 2067 and it went a bit beyond a couple of dirty naked pictures and a gold LP. This probe had a complete How-To Manual for advancing to 2067 technology, AND a complete retrospective on the Number One Hits of Macklemore!

Lost in the Delta Quadrant 130 years ago, it turns out the manual has a chapter called Build-Your-Own Apocalypse. The first people who found it are now fleshy-headed mutants in a missile-strewn wasteland and radiation has made them enemies of society, eh?

The bright, shining faces of the Uxali greet the away team with a free kidnapping and murder Joe Carey from Season One to remind us that he existed. The head honcho seems eager to make humans pay for their ancestors' naive interstellar "Tommyguns For Toddlers" program. As usual, throwing torpedoes and Borg nanoprobes at the problem is the cure for what ails 'em.

Captain Janeway, the Federation's most prolific explorer in generations, weighs in with a baffling opinion: that the benefits of exploration don't justify the loss of a single life. Say whaaat?
Replicators? Transporters? Interplanetary peace and brotherhood? Toasters that love? Lot of benefits! Not worth ONE life? People are going to die anyway. Let's keep the benefits, shall we?

"Friendship One" opens on a conversation typifying what Admirals will be saying to Janeway from now on:
"Really? Descended from Dinosaurs, huh? And they were flying around in Amelia Earhart's biplane? Riiight. And how much of this "leola root" did you ingest exactly?"

Author, Author

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Pathfinder and Voyager have managed to establish a real-time video communication. But it only works 11 minutes a day, so there's only enough time for a few brief conversations, or to watch a single episode of 'Adventure Time'.

The Holographic Doctor has written a holo-novel entitled "Photons Be Free". It was designed to call attention to the plight of oppressed holograms. Particularly the sentient EMH Mark Ones repurposed for Workin' In A Coal Mine and Goin' Down Down.

All to the good, if only the novel did not feature such thinly veiled jerk versions of the Doctor's real-life crew-mates. TOO THINLY VEILED. From "Captain Jenkins'" execution of patients to "Lt. Marseilles's" cheating on his wife, the Doctor has crossed the lines of libel and good taste if not outright copyright infringement! Tom writes a lecherous, drug abusing, comb-over EMH parody to show him how feelings could get hurt- none of which will matter now that publishers Broht & Forrester have released the story AS IS. With all 97 gratuitous sex scenes unexpurgated.

From bad to worse: Drinking-Chocolate-Rabbit-Voiced Broht points out that holograms have no rights under Federation Law. Even though it's only reputations at stake and not profits (One would assume. Or are these dinks actually selling it outside the Federation, too?), B&F fight pretty hard not to have to recall the program even briefly. Lord knows why. Just standard publishing industry douchebaggery?

Despite the low stakes this really IS a debate about Equal Rights For Artificial People, and nobody remembers or cares to cite the Data precedent from 'The Measure of a Man'. Ahem, speaking of copying.

"Author, Author" is flawed, but a favourite. So, what IS Broht paying the Judge? Don't tell me you could listen to Tuvok or Janeway or Barclay and then STILL not have the guts to rule on the Doctor's status as a sentient being. One might humbly submit that writing bad fan fiction is practically the DEFINITION of sentience.

Q2

*** (3 stars out of 5)
In Borg Cadet Icheb's oral report, Kirk's 5 year mission ended in 2270, having saved the Baezians, Chenari, and Pelosians from extinction- although whoever they were and whatever he did it blatantly violated the Prime Directive. Blatantly.
TWICE!

Sometimes, I get the impression EVERYONE would rather be watching ST: TOS instead of ST: VOY. Even the cast of VOY.

Consider this negative review from the Son of Q after looking around Aunt Kathy's ship for five seconds: "Bipeds pushing buttons!"

Q Jr. claims to have unlimited control of space, matter, and time. Which he uses to create discos, cause computers to be more snarky, and make ladies' clothing vanish. These are the only things he and I agree upon.

Susie Q has disowned her ADHD-stricken offspring for starting wars and juggling tectonic plates. Original Recipe Q claims to have spent "years" trying to make his son play nice with the sub-creatures. The stress IS starting to make Q look VERY mortal. Now he's threatening to turn the brat into a paramecium if he won't change his ways before the commercial break.

Q Jr. cheats at his studies (just like Kirk), but in fairness he's got some impossible pressures: he's expected to be the Saviour, for God's sake. Any wonder he runs away, steals a shuttle and starts calling Icheb "Itchy"? Only Chewbacca's Father should be called Itchy! Or a cartoon cat, I guess.

Plus isn't it rather foolish to ask a Q to adhere to high moral standards when it's clear they don't HAVE any? These beings execute couples for wanting to live, force immortality on the suicidal, and torment lower life-forms to relieve their nearly-infinite ennui. If there IS a definition for "Q-ness" isn't it... being a jerk? By those standards, he's ALREADY a $#!% Off the Old Block.

"Q2" drops the ball: last chance to have Q reward Janeway for being a good mommy with a free trip to Disneymoon. And they waste it all playing "Charlie X" for laughs.

Human Error

* (1 star out of 5)

If there is an award for a teaser that contains nothing of significance, might not Seven of Nine pensively playing the piano alone be a finalist? Aren't you interested in keeping us interested?

Some jerks built an invisible minefield and included a warning sign written in invisible space ink. Again I say, JERKS. Voyager, of course, blunders through it and things go "boom".

Speaking of things that appear suddenly and without warning out of the blue, Seven has a crush on Chakotay now! The very guy who blew her Borg focus group into space and tried to do the same to her. Seven programs herself a little holographic version of the first officer to practice boyfriending on.
Sure. he's handsome! But why didn't she express any interest earlier, say- when she studied the crew manifest looking for someone to date TWO YEARS AGO?

If Seven is so clueless about humanity, how can the social scenarios she wrote feature everyone else acting NORMALLY and giving sound advice on topics Seven doesn't understand? How does Seven know that Neelix would yammer on about carpets matching drapes? Seven can't even sound casual asking the real Torres for grooming tips! Or is this the main computer autonomously using personal files to make this stuff up?

Not only is the ex-drone avoiding work, she's also not regenerating in favour of her fantasy, until she gets sick. Worst of all, her vitally necessary, non-removable cortical node has the NEVER-BEFORE-MENTIONED feature of shutting her down if she has a strong feeling! Yes, it chaps my ass. This didn't happen to ANY OTHER ex-drone; from rage-fueled Lansor, Marika, and P'Chan, to passionate Frazier, from stalwart Hugh to ever-lovin' Locutus. "THIS FAH! NO FURTHA! Urrggh..." Picard faints.

So... Seven's quest for humanity was apparently ALWAYS doomed to failure. Nice one, writers. "Gawrsh, I'd like me a pretty horny girl with no feelings! That'd be the best! Hyuk!"

"Human Error" is a big disappointment, and reviewer Michelle Green puts it a lot better than I can. Quick, the series is ending! Throw some couple together so we give the illusion of growth and change... you know, like when Worf and Troi hit it off so famously and so well.

Workforce, Part II

** (2 stars out of 5)

Amal Kotay (Chak to his friends) hauls his surgically-disguised butt around evading the Quarren and getting shot. Since Chakotay didn't do his ACTUAL job and point a finger at one of them, Harry Kim and the Doctor waste precious Saving Everybody time arguing over who has command seniority: the guy with triple the experience of any standard Ensign, or the guy with an entire tactical database in his head but no rank at all. Thankfully, the Doctor is NOT the M-5 multitronic unit- who as you'll recall incinerated guys like Harry just by reaching out for a snack. Progress!

Over 140 Voyager-heads are taking what they're given 'cause they're working for a livin'. With Chakotay to kidnap them and speechify, the Doctor to restore their memories from his hidey-hole on a magnetic moon, and Neelix to feed them pancakes and point at their knick-knacks, Donny Most's Diabolical Dysphoria Deceit is soon defeated.

Speaking of knick-knacks, did Tom somehow manage to lose the bat'leth Kohlar gifted to his unborn daughter in only a couple of weeks? There's a more conventional bat'leth hanging in its place.

Janeway flip-flopped in moments from happily living with Jaffen to breaking up with him as soon as it turned out she had a better job waiting. She feeds him a line about how a Captain can't fraternize with her crew, but I guess she either isn't as heart-broken as she appears or she never got the memo back in 2364 that starships carry civilian families all the time.

"Workforce, Part II" again, begs a few questions. How do a people advanced enough to compete with Voyager in space, and outclass them in brain medicine, have the organizational skills and automation-free factories of some backward 20th Century Earth? And in the bigger picture: why not have two episodes back on Earth where everyone kisses the ground after seven years away and see what THAT might have meant to them? And meant to us, the audience?

Workforce

** (2 stars out of 5)

Welcome to the Factory! Kraftwerk will bring you your timecards any moment now. There's a lot of Pink Benzites around here. And pink humans, too. Like Janeway, for instance, who seems to think that spinning giant dials all day in Fritz Lang's Metropolis is a good job. Better than that overpopulated, polluted, crap-hole Earth, anyway.

Jaffen, Employee 1326, is chastized by Efficiency Monitor Annika Hansen for fraternizing with Kathryn. Kathryn doesn't mind, and soon enough she's caressing Jaffen's flesh-goatee. So meaty!

Speaking of meat, Harry mistakenly drank some meat byproduct nectar on Nar Shadda. It gave him parasites, but then what else would you expect from the moon of the Hutt homeworld? Heh. Star Wars. Speaking of Star Wars namedropping, Voyager was attacked earlier by the Quarren, who are no doubt unaware that they share a species name with the so-called Squid-Heads of Mon Calamari. They defeated Voyager with their surplus Breen ship, turned the crew over to Demented Doctor Ralph Malph from Happy Days, and with highly sophisticated mind alteration set them to work mining tylium to fuel the Battlestar Galactica. In case this seems a little heavy on the homage, it's a little bit like Dark City and The Matrix, too.

But poor Heaving Harry is better off than the rest of Voyager.  Their only hope is the re-tooled, red-clad ECH, since The Emergency Command Hologram is the only one left aboard a damaged, floundering ship. Can the not-exactly-promoted Doctor, Neelix, and Chakotay save the crew from working 9 to 5? What a way to make a living! It's all taking and no giving!

"Workforce" lost both its Emmy nominations to its own series finale. Tune in tomorrow if you care to learn why!

The Void

   (0 stars out of 5)

With a title like "The Void", you know what you're getting, Weaver. NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! STUPID! SO STUPID!

In Delta Quadrant, DONUT EATS YOU! We'll have to call this the Delta Donut, 'cause the Delta Triangle was already taken. Yes, it's another 'Becalmed in the Space Sargasso', except instead of calm it's full of desperate scavengers.

"Morality won't keep your life support systems running," gloats robber baron Valen after he steals everything but their life support systems. Despite his name, he's not much like the Valen who inspired the Minbari religion over on Babylon 5. Also, Valen's wrong. Today, for some reason, morality IS all you need. Well, morality, advanced technology and a great, big ball of magic, glowing, pixie dust.

Janeway does what she always does: sticks to her guns. It got her ship stranded seven years ago, and it nearly gets them killed today. No Captain Ransom, she! No Thief! No Killer! And yes, I love her for it. It's good to have principles. Sometimes the REAL WORLD even rewards us for having them. But mostly it's the writers. Give the crew of the Equinox nothing but crap, and they turn to crap. Give JANEWAY nothing but crap... and you get a delicious apple pandowdy!

It's all very pat and it makes its point and also it's mind-bogglingly, fan-staggeringly uninspiring. It all seems like empty platitudes and luck to me. And, in the end, while making love out of nothing at all, they play "Stirring Co-operation Montage" music over the technical explanations so we don't have to trouble ourselves wondering if their escape plan made any sense.

(Yes, I AM being harsher than necessary because A) I've been sick as a blood worm all week and 2) I'm about to see Into Darkness and I'm making room in my heart to love it all the more! And squee like a tiny little girl!!!)

In 2001, while the ratings plummeted and even my beloved uncle who started me loving Star Trek in the first place had given up watching, I'd heard a rumour that Voyager's seventh season would be its last, and more importantly, that the crew was going to get home BEFORE the end of it. Between 6 and 12 episodes would actually take place IN THE ALPHA QUADRANT. WITH CONSEQUENCES!?! I was so disappointed. Surely THIS re-hash of the animated series episode 'The Time Trap' could have been scuttled to make that happen? If only...

Prophecy

*** (3 stars out of 5)

What's that you say? Engine room full of Klingons? And they'll be no tribble at all?

Another of those antiquated wandering war-time Klingons pops up out of nowhere and attacks their Federation foes. Did someone leave the Coincidensity Generator running? Captain Janeway tells Captain Kohlar of the Khitomer Treaty signed and notarized, lo, these 80 years. But, the man is far more interested in the date of B'Elanna's conception. According to Seven's detailed surveillance records: 14.5 weeks ago. In accordance with the prophecy!

Result! Kohlar purposefully scuttles his old ship, forces Janeway to beam all 204 of his people aboard Voyager. He has interpreted the prophecies of his Nutso Nomadic Great-Grandfather to mean that their saviour, Baby Torres, is the Kuvah'magh. Possibly also the Kwisatz Haderach and the Booyakasha!

While poor slobs Chell and Celes desperately overhaul the plumbing, Kohlar coaches B'Elanna in some creative scroll interpretation and Tom in the use of some blunted bat'leth combat. (Nothing a Klingon loves more than the word "Nonlethal".) Kohlar's not going on record saying he doesn't believe in the "Prophecy"- but he's very ready to settle his followers down somewhere after 100 years of fruitless wandering. Settle down somewhere with fruit, I'm guessing. Heh, scurvy joke.

All these Klingons are carriers of a virus called the nehret. Unlike scurvy, biofilters can't spot it and only Klingons can catch it. Which would have been nice to know before the Torres' caught it. Of course, the hybrid stem cells and the EMH's ingenuity make a little miracle of their own. Praise Be To Science!

Meanwhile, Harry Kim is saved from a date worse than death when Neelix takes amorous Officer Ch'Rega off his hands. (But Tuvok's bed probably took the worst of it.)

I'm implying that the HEDGEHOG GOT IT ON! (In accordance with the prophecy.)

Repentance

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Voyager plays host to a batch of Warden Yediq's cruel Nygean prison guards and their equally tormented charges. It's like a cheerful, brightly coloured Oz. The rape-y one, not the Disney one. Actually, I haven't seen either. I have no idea what I'm talking about! Why should TODAY be any different?

Repairing hardened criminal Iko after a savage beating from the jerk guards, the Doctor's ubiquitous use of nanoprobes fixes the man's brain, incidentally and accidentally(?) healing the birth defect which made him violent and sociopathic in the first place. I don't mean to harp on, but when Dr. Crusher said the brain was mapped, I'd think a lot fewer Amazing Brain Things would simply happen BY MISTAKE.

Seven of Nine takes Iko's part. Not like THAT! I mean... she takes his side. She has known a lot of suffering as both abuser and abused. She can see both sides to the issues of culpability and atonement with that artificial eye.

Instead of judges, sentences are set by the victim's families. This is actually kind of a good idea... unless the criminal can't afford leniency. Further, there's proven racial inequity when handing out death penalties to Benkaren inmates like Joleg. Neelix brings the food and mild outrage. 

Not to spoil anything, but Jeff "Tank Girl's Kangaroo Boyfriend" Kober does not get a happy ending.

"Repentance" never answers my biggest question: why does Voyager's crew build a bunch of archaic jail cells for their surly dinner guests intend of conserving resources and curtailing the chance of violence by simply digging the stasis chambers from "One" out of their closets?

Lineage

**** (4 stars out of 5)

As the Talaxians say: "Good news has no clothes". Now Tom and B'Elanna have some good news!
Klingon pregnancies are typically 30 weeks, but with mixed species it can be much quicker. (Which, as you'll recall, could be a good explanation for Alexander Rozhenko.)

B'Elanna and her mother each had corrective surgery in infancy for hereditary spinal curvature, but the EMH can now genetically modify the fetal spine and save the hassle. Unfortunately, Torres starts brooding about other possibilities for gene modification...

Klingon traits remain dominant for several generations, so Baby Paris-Torres will have forehead ridges. Mommy proposes something the Doctor finds very dubious: she wants to delete gene sequences for redundant organs like her third lung and such... but mostly she wants to have a little blonde human rather than an ugly, ugly Klingon.

B'Elanna grew up feeling the sting of human discrimination even from her own relatives. And despite the Bolians, Vulcans, Talaxians, and Bajorans aboard, there are still 140 humans. And the cream is white!  In fact, once the Doctor has a sudden, conveniently engineered change of heart, Baby Torres may turn out white, too.

"Lineage" offers a lot of insight into B'Elanna's heart. The pain of her parent's divorce, her difficult path  as a daughter of two races. Humans may have put their racial differences behind them in this future (to the point where the meanest name kids called B'Elanna's father was "John SNORE-es". But merging cultures is not and never will be easy. It takes a village and this kid would have a doozy: Bolians who think being born near a warp core is good for the disposition. A space-faring Indian for a spiritual advisor. And a hologram for a godfather.

Shattered

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Star Trek welcomes you to the brand-spanking new 21st Century with a romp both wibbley-wobbley and somewhat timey-wimey. Zapped by the warp core, Chakotay's nearly killed by a temporal fracture that ages and de-ages his body at random. But his face STILL looks better than Bruce Jenner's.

Restored to normal by that most under-appreciated holographic doctor of 2372, Chakotay's blood surges with chronitons and craviolis which mean he's the only one who can see how messed-up the ship is: for example- that the holo-doc is from 2372. On the bridge- Bunhead Janeway. In engineering- Seska and her Kazon flunkies rocking out with their caulking out. Kes is probably around SOMEWHERE, but she's unconscious in a drawer or something.

Taking skeptical but aroused pre-series Janeway hostage, then infusing her with the same chroniton serum, Chakotay drags his newbie Captain along on a tour of Voyager's greatest hits. The Borg temporal sensors in Astrometrics allow them to map the ship. While there, they meet officers Lt. Naomi Wildman and Lt. Commander Icheb from 17 years in the future. So there won't be any time for the fun stuff with the kids around. The pair of mood-killers explain that there are "now" 37 time zones. And in the timeline of these no-longer-rugrats, the Captain and First Officer died, oh, about 17 years ago.

Can they avoid fate, or will Sam Beckett have to Quantum Leap in and put things right? Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Or is that behind? Who cares?

"Shattered" is fun stuff. I'm pretty damned easy when it comes to time-travel stories. But is it at all telling that with 37 time zones to play around with there was no visit to last year? Nobody feeling nostalgic for the Vaadwaur? No, didn't think so. But I HAD missed Seska, Dr. Chaotica, and a little bit of that dangerous will-they-won't-they from Chakotay and Janeway which has fizzled forever into won't. Pass me some of that chroniton juice- let's see what was playing back in the 2260's.

Flesh and Blood

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Apparently the locals include the Nebari from Farscape and the Ovions from classic Battlestar Galactica.  But we're not concerned with organic beings today so much as the holograms they created to serve them.  Or in the Hirogen's case, created to hunt for sport.

Did you ever loan someone a book or DVD or something and then it got lost or broken? That's rough, but it's not very much like this. Using Voyager's technology, the Hirogen built intelligent, learning holograms that bleed and feel pain. Because that sucks, the holograms revolted.

Iden, a simulated Bajoran zealot sick of being killed for fun, freed other programmable Alpha Quadrant simulations and stole a warship. Kejal, his holographic Cardassian engineer, is the closest thing he has to a voice of reason. Iden, however, wants to free every photonic from servitude. Save every Child of Light, if you will. Of course, he places their worth intrinsically HIGHER than that of organics, whether or not the holograms can even THINK. It's easy to see where Iden's coming from, but the guy would kill an organic to "free" the picture on their driver's license.

Once "rescued", the EMH tries to get Iden to play nice with the meatbags. Donik (the Hirogen Nerd who initially gave the holograms enough smarts to rebel) advises Captain Janeway in her efforts to spread peace like thick, creamery butter. But no one else seems to want any.

Good to see the AI from 'Think Tank' is still getting work: tonight he plays the part of the renegades' holoprojector.

"Flesh and Blood" is feature-length fun, probably the best movie-length Voyager episode since the pilot. Some reviews I read complained that the Hirogen holodeck technology somehow got thousands of light-years AHEAD of Voyager. Remember for a moment that from the first episodes in which they appeared, the nomadic Hirogen had a communication relay that spanned the ENTIRE galaxy. Clearly they got it working again. The bigger question is why they expend so much energy playing Space Lizard NRA and so little having Space Lizard Nookie. Also, do these holograms still send Janeway Mother's Day Cards? Just asking.

Nightingale

** (2 stars out of 5)

Harry Kim comes to the aid of a ship of Kraylor medics under fire from their foes, the Annari. The Ship's Shepherd, Book, wants to make Harry the Captain. He even has a Brown Coat ready and waiting. Take me out to the black, tell 'em I ain't comin' back...!

Sorry, this just isn't Firefly. Harry DOES deserve to be a lieutenant or lieutenant commander by now, though. He just needs a better story for that.

Harry names the medical transport for Florence Nightingale. This meant nothing to the alien doctors, and even less because they are lying about being doctors. They are actually cloaking device scientists. They still need Kim, but for the military objective of getting their prototype to their besieged world.

Over in the B-story, Torres strips! ... the warp engines for an overhaul. And Icheb crushes on the newly-married Klingon engineer.  Can you blame the boy? He may have been a Borg, but he still has EYES!

"Nightingale" features Harry's first command, and who would have thought it would be on a very familiar Federation fighter, glimpsed often in the Maquis conflict and throughout the Dominion War. The only question, really, is HOW DID IT GET ALL THE WAY OUT HERE? And why does Shepherd Book have scalloped earlobes? Burning questions and we'll never hear the answers.

Body and Soul

*** (3 stars out of 5)

The Lokirrim hate photonic beings like the Doctor. They are at war with Photonics seeking freedom from subjugation. Or, depending on your point-of-view, ungrateful insurgents making trouble. Simply bringing a photonic into Lokirrim space carries severe penalties. They might even make you watch Voyager episodes every day for a month!

To prevent them de-rezzing him, the EMH hides inside Seven of Nine. And, as you'd imagine, things get awkward. Since he's in control of her body, he discovers how much fun human senses are. The way he's going through the replicated cheesecake, she's going to have to change her name to 7 of 90 pounds heavier.

While a prisoner He/She gets drunk and hits on Lokirrim Captain Tuning Fork Nose to get the mobile emitter back. Even this silliness is unlikely to get them points for Man-On-Man kissing.

Speaking of kissing, Tuvok's Pon Farr has finally arrived. Granted, it seems much milder than Spock's. And, like Betazoid women, Vulcan libido apparently increases with age. As "Doctor" Tom Paris (more sensible and discreet than the Silver Blood Tom from the Lori Petty episode) points out: "It wouldn't be breaking your vows if it's a hologram of your wife." Presumably Lady Tuvok is seeing a photonic back home, too. Just close your eyes and think of Vulcan.

"Body and Soul", and I can't say this often enough, was funnier when it was the Red Dwarf episode "Bodyswap". That snarked about, Jeri Ryan does a great Robert Picardo impression. And as they say, never judge someone until you walk a mile in their boobs.

Inside Man

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Voyager gets its very own Barclay for Sweeps! And sweeping up is what this interactive hologram should do instead of making grand rescue plans. Holo-Barclay claims a geodesic fold in a red giant star will shunt the Voyager home instantly! Janeway had already discarded this idea. Historically this procedure is useless- because all you'd get back is a radioactive ship with 150 liquefied crew-shaped floor stains.

Of course, the fast-talking shmoozer assures everyone it's all perfectly safe these days. Step into the changing rrroom! You will NOT be cooked!

Voyager's crew is desperate to believe in Holo-Barclay. Of course, real Barclay is having a terrible time back home. For one, someone stole his hologram and his girlfriend Leosa ran off at suspiciously the same time. For two, he's losing all credibility. Screaming "Borg!" in a roomful of kids on a field trip. Chasing Deanna Troi down on her Risian beach vacation. (Or maybe only the beach CHAIR was from Risa? It looks pretty overcast for that weather-controlled paradise. It's probably not Vancouver, though.)

Leosa works on Nunk's Ferengi casino ship. She dated Barclay in order to get her hands on the profits from the Borg nanoprobes they were planning to strain out of Seven's Corpse Puddle.

Can Admiral Paris and Commander Troi save Barclay's reputation, and incidentally the lives of the Voyager crew about to throw themselves into a sun?

"Inside Man" is old home week that intentionally tugs on the old nostalgia. When I hear that two months ago Barclay and Data were singing a duet at Geordi's birthday party it's like the series I miss most is still running somewhere off-screen. So, no, I don't mind them pushing the regular cast aside. Because Riker and Troi are setting Barclay up on a double-date in Tiburon! (The city in California, probably, rather than the alien planet.) And speaking of alien planets, what is the Doctors' obsession with playing golf on Giedi Prime? The only way I'd want to tee off with Baron Harkonnen is if I was actually teeing off WITH Baron Harkonnen- as in hitting that hovering bloated man-ball with a golf club.

Critical Care

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Having picked up his free dose of food poisoning from Neelix, a thief named Gar also picks up the EMH mobile emitter and sells the whole kit and caboodle to a sweaty bean-counter called Chellick. You may know him as Dr. Giggles.

Chellick is an administrator brought in to drag the struggling Dinaali world up by its bootstraps. To "trim the fat", as it were. For some reason, Chellick did not start either by pushing back from the supper table himself, or more relevantly, by wondering why a hospital should ever need to hover far above the suffering populace in a gargantuan metal spider.

The kidnapped Doctor makes token protests, but his Oath assures that he must lend a hand to both unctuous Dr. Dysek of Level Blue and overburdened Dr. Voje of Level Red. Although it's clear from the get-go that Level Red is where the NEED is greatest, Level Blue is where the ELITE are. Guess who gets all the best care?

A computer called The Allocator assigns Treatment Coefficients to everybody, and if you're not contributing enough to society, then your next stop is Level White. And they don't count being poor, handsome, or clever as contributing. Since Level White is the morgue, I'm guessing your final stop is Level Green- an old dumpster.

So, it's Michael Moore's Sicko in Space. And it's great. Every time I forget how amazing Robert Picardo is, they give him a chance to shine bright like a diamond. And without the odious Chellick sneered to life by Larry Drake, where would the hero get to spew his righteous bile?


"Critical Care" brings us all this AND Jerry Gergich's identical cousin, too? I knew you could do it, Voyager. You're doing Star Trek proud, after all. Because of your efforts, I've even allocated enough time for one more fat joke: when Chellick sits around Dr. House, he really sits AROUND Dr. House!