Future Tense

*** (3 stars out of 5)

One hundred light years from Earth, a strange vessel is found with a lonely human mummy inside, and I don't mean a single mother. The wreck is very worn out, with no visible means of propulsion, and, no, I STILL don't mean a single mother. Could it be the missing man himself, Zefram Cochrane? Only a Star Trek fan can rule that out. And only a Doctor Who fan can answer Trip Tucker's next question: "How can a ship be bigger on the inside than the outside?"

Has Enterprise found a derelict TARDIS?!? Is someone actually reading my fan fiction? How will they afford the rights to Inspector Gadget AND Darkwing Duck? O.K., not exactly, but since the Suliban Cabal are lurking around, it probably does have something to do with time travel. Phlox confirms the dead pilot had Vulcan, Rigellian, and Terrellian lineage, far enough back that he shouldn't exist yet. So it's off for another peek inside runaway bestseller Daniel's Big Secret Book of Future Secrets. The ship is from the 31st Century, where humans and aliens doink one another without fear of government reprisal, wiretaps, and photoblogs.

You know who else loves things from the future? (Apart from me.) The Tholians! Remember them? No? Well, it makes no difference, you won't be seeing them, anyway.

Reed and Trip pop the trunk on the timeship and give themselves some hellacious deja vu with a repeating time loop. (Or what my favourite Gallivanting Gallifreyan used to call a chronic hysteresis.)

"I believe in embracing surprises," says Dr. Phlox, but there really aren't any to hug today. Enterprise gets into a fire-fight with the other circling vultures. The timeship disappears from whence it came without yielding any secrets at all and nobody goes home happy. The pickled pilot could have been anyone... from Matt Frewer to Lindsay Lohan.

"Future Tense" is shiny and effects-driven, but offered no real insight into the future. I still had no idea that in only two short years I could be watching BRAND SPANKING NEW episodes of Doctor Who. Was it worth losing Star Trek for? Only time will tell.

Cold Front

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Suliban Cabal leader Silik has failed the Board of Shadowy Figures trying to ruin the Klingon Empire. They take away his multi-tool laser eyes to ensure his loyalty while messing with Enterprise. Confusingly, he PREVENTS the ship from exploding. Check your scorecard, but I'm still pretty sure he's the bad guy, and a good one, too. Not only is he portrayed by the inestimable John Fleck, he can skydive even if there isn't any sky outside!

Movie night on Enterprise was Night of the Killer Androids- one of 50,000 movies in the database which Travis and Malcolm figure wasn't worth downloading. Watch for a review on Mike's Best Blog Ever sometime this century- as soon as someone makes the doggone thing.

For whatever it's worth, the Catholics, Hindus, and Buddhists are still at it in 2151. So are space religions like the worshippers of the Great Plume of Agasoria. Surly lizard Captain Fraddock was paid to drive their tour bus. Instead of gold, frankincense and myrrh, they bring gifts of clocks, alcohol and Silik in drag.


Taking a moment out from serving Captain Archer's mac and cheese, Lt. Daniels admits he's not in Starfleet at all, but a time-travelling agent trying to undo the damage done by Silik's benefactor. Breaking the Temporal Accords, we're told. Daniels is full of evasions, but his hand-held walk-through-walls device didn't come from the local Walk Through Wal-Mart.

Silik is quick to call Daniels a liar (in the same way Scrubs fans will call him a Tool, a Tool, a Tool Tool Tool). Contrariwise, Daniels has had over 4 months to not poison Archer's food, while Silik does all the shooting. Silik even disintegrates Daniels. Yeah... my money's still on 'Bad Guy'.

I love "Cold Front". It's weird and exciting, and deserved the chance to play out... someday. It's Daniel's unnamed room-mate I'd like to hear from! "So... Daniels was from 900 years in the future, huh? I guess that's why he left a pile of unopened pay stubs, always asked if we had any "replicated panda burgers" and never got any of my jokes."

Shattered

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Star Trek welcomes you to the brand-spanking new 21st Century with a romp both wibbley-wobbley and somewhat timey-wimey. Zapped by the warp core, Chakotay's nearly killed by a temporal fracture that ages and de-ages his body at random. But his face STILL looks better than Bruce Jenner's.

Restored to normal by that most under-appreciated holographic doctor of 2372, Chakotay's blood surges with chronitons and craviolis which mean he's the only one who can see how messed-up the ship is: for example- that the holo-doc is from 2372. On the bridge- Bunhead Janeway. In engineering- Seska and her Kazon flunkies rocking out with their caulking out. Kes is probably around SOMEWHERE, but she's unconscious in a drawer or something.

Taking skeptical but aroused pre-series Janeway hostage, then infusing her with the same chroniton serum, Chakotay drags his newbie Captain along on a tour of Voyager's greatest hits. The Borg temporal sensors in Astrometrics allow them to map the ship. While there, they meet officers Lt. Naomi Wildman and Lt. Commander Icheb from 17 years in the future. So there won't be any time for the fun stuff with the kids around. The pair of mood-killers explain that there are "now" 37 time zones. And in the timeline of these no-longer-rugrats, the Captain and First Officer died, oh, about 17 years ago.

Can they avoid fate, or will Sam Beckett have to Quantum Leap in and put things right? Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Or is that behind? Who cares?

"Shattered" is fun stuff. I'm pretty damned easy when it comes to time-travel stories. But is it at all telling that with 37 time zones to play around with there was no visit to last year? Nobody feeling nostalgic for the Vaadwaur? No, didn't think so. But I HAD missed Seska, Dr. Chaotica, and a little bit of that dangerous will-they-won't-they from Chakotay and Janeway which has fizzled forever into won't. Pass me some of that chroniton juice- let's see what was playing back in the 2260's.

Relativity

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Just a little bit of history repeating...

Seven has been recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and The Kodan... huh? No, that sounds like a fan fiction. I meant Seven has been recruited by Captain Braxton and Lt. Ducane of Federation timeship Relativity.

These Time Cops have taken Miss Sept de Neuf 500 years into the future to be a Secret Time Agent and disable a temporal disruptor. It was planted by a deranged lunatic just before Voyager's launch five years ago. It will have/is/is going to destroy the ship! For the fifth time! This year!

The save has been tried twice before, and both Sevens died. Third time better be the charm, because four times will cause serious sensory aphasia and/or temporal psychosis. Also McFly's family will erase and the two Brigadiers may have a mental breakdown.

Speaking of which, time travel turned Braxton into a completely different man. He's apparently the same Braxton from "Future's End" except he remembers the timeline where he suffered through decades of 20th century pharmaceuticals. From which he went mad, MAD I TELLS YA! Plus he got portly and his hair changed colour.

If you squint and try not to think very hard... this can be a crazy fun run-around. If I demanded more logic than enjoyment it would probably drop to 3 stars. But today I won't.

Most confusing to me is Ducane's plan to "re-integrate" three Braxtons, two of which are innocent, and put the resulting multiple man on trial. I can't even begin to follow that reasoning! The foremost question I have is: at what point does he become the Bartender of Destiny from the final episode of Quantum Leap?

"Relativity" is a compromise of what the rabid fans wanted: Seven dies and dresses in Starfleet garb! (Neither is permanent.) Do her leftover corpses collapse into uncertainty particles now that her past self lived, or did they just throw them on the pile? Do these Pre-Cops pilfer people from parallel places? Are a couple of universes now missing their Sevenses of Nines? Like I said: don't think, just like.