Scientific Method

** (2 stars out of 5)

Once upon a time, invisible aliens made lab rats of a starship crew. But enough about the Next Generation episode "Schisms", we're here to talk about Voyager's rip-off adventure, "Scientific Method".

I'm sure I'm just being a dink. After all, alien abduction tales are commonplace SF tropes... the Vians from The Original Series episode "The Empath", perfect example. Which is neither here nor there. These particular unidentified douche-nozzles treat humans the way some humans of our day treat non-humans. That is to say: with the genetic equivalent of pouring shampoo into their eyes.

Janeway has unseen needles in her head. Chakotay and Neelix are wrinkling up like old prunes. Torres and Tom are making out all over the place, although this may not have anything to do with the undetectable monsters.

Escaping erasure, the holographic Doctor hides out in Leo da Vinci's drawing class, and modifies Seven of Nine's artificial eye to see the villains. The lady drone saves the ship (except the unmourned random mustard-clad Redshirt Lass whose blood vessels all burst at once). Thanks, TV.

To prevent or cause more deaths, Janeway drives the ship into a pair of deadly pulsars to scare off the heartless bastards, in a very, very gutsy bluff. IF it was a bluff, and not a genuine suicide attempt. Either way, it's got real intensity and the actors all seem to give their best to a very hum-drum run-around. In other words, Voyager's new status quo. And, yes, one of the review stars is for Janeway in a towel. If all else fails, show some leg. Or Robert Picardo in jeggings. To each his own!

Faces

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Oh, that B'Elanna Torres. She's just going through a phage!

Paris, Torres and Ensign Durst have been captured by Vidiians. As Garrett "Harry Kim" Wong said at a convention just before this episode came out: "Guess which Ensign doesn't make it?"

The icky, drippy Vidiian Chief Surgeon Sulon extracted Torres' Klingon DNA. This guy's fallen out of the psychiatry and hit every branch on the way down. He's grown himself a fully Klingon (and phage-resistant) version of her, and tossed the now human version into slave-slash-involuntary-organ-donor jail.

This makes perfect sense. No part of this raises any questions. For example, it's reasonable to assume that both would have Torres' complete memory with only slight emotional variation. And reasonable that removing a little DNA would magically turn Torres human. The same thing happens every time she donates blood: her forehead swelling goes down for days! Oh, and a genetronic machine capable of the instant cloning of an entire working set of organs is so commonplace that it could have no other application to the needs of people always desperate for new organs.

The holographic Doctor monster-ates Chakotay for sneaking into the compound. The first officer uses what seems like the weakest bluff in the universe: "I just had a new face grafted". AND IT WORKS! The Vidiian guard does not immediately ask the follow-up question 'What's your name?' because the answer would surely be 'Grafty... McFace...ton...son.'

Escaped from her slab late one night, the Klingon beheld an eerie sight. She rescues the Human. They get to play 'The Enemy Within' for awhile by firelight over rats and s'mores.

"Faces" is cheesy gibberish but well-performed and has its profoundly creepy bits. Janeway disappoints  by not following through on her earlier threat to fight any Vidiians who came NEAR her people. Too bad for Durst, and Skinny Talaxian Dude, and every other meat popsicle left behind when the rescue comes. Voyager only helps those who help themselves!

Man of The People

** (2 stars out of 5)

Deanna Troi, Super-Bitch!

If that sounds appealing, this is the episode for you. Otherwise, well, coin a phrase, WTF?

Ambassador Ves Alcar is a Lumerian. He sports a forehead tramp stamp, limited empathic powers, and a suitcase filled to the brim with Douche.

Ladies, should a Lumerian offer to touch your Pet Rock with his Pet Rock, I encourage you to punch his junk like he was a Ullian historian.  Anyone duped into his ceremony becomes a psychic dumping ground. While this dink stays serene and suave, his receptacles whore themselves up, then crumble away into decrepitude.

He's come aboard to trade up from his last model, who's just about ready for an oven in a gingerbread house.

Guess which empathic Counsellor naively indulges in a "funeral rite" for Alcar's dead "mother"?

On the prowl like she's a bike messenger with cat DNA, Troi treats her meek patient Ensign Janeway like crap, and jumps the bones of some young guy she bumps into in the lift.  Also, she claws Riker's face, and takes a stab at Alcar. Literally.

Picard and Crusher get wise to the chump. Picard waggles his finger and launches into a lecture. Why? Can't we just torpedo this vampire back to hell like on Devidia II last month?

Instead, even more magically than usual, Troi returns to normal somehow when Crusher temporarily kills her. Alcar Dorian Greys it up to Full Cryptkeeper and dies Walter Donovan-style from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Was this guy the only one with this ability? Where did the rock come from? How come the other Lumerians are oblivious? I can understand how Troi got fooled, she's not from there. But his next victim seemed like a clever lass. She's from his world. Wouldn't she say, hey, wait a minute, that's not a Solemn Reflection Stone, that's a Slutty Death-Conduit Rock! Screw you, Draculon!

"Man of The People" is easily the worst episode of the season. Your experience may vary: it's certainly not Marina Sirtis's acting, or the make-up effects. I've read that the script was a rush job, and I was definitely aiming the blame torpedo in that direction.

Allegiance

** (2 stars out of 5)

In the lull between a plague and a terraforming, the 2001 monolith tiptoes into Picard's room and beams him away.

He finds himself in a cell with other captives, while back on the ship a doppelgänger is drinking his wine.

Picard's cellmates are introduced. Bolian Mitena Haro, she's a first year Academy Cadet who's been here 3 days. Pacifist Kova Tholl of Mizar II has been here for 12 days. I see beds and the jello-puck dispensing food machine, but without toilets or shower that cell must reek!

Picard's Queen Dopplepopalis sends the crew on an increasingly inexplicable 'secret' mission into the throat of a deadly pulsar.

Who is their captor, Picard ponders. The Bolians don't get along with the Moropans, but this room is not Moropan technology. The Mizarians claim no enemies, although they've been conquered six times in three centuries. They value peace above confrontation. And this one kind of needs a punch.

Their fourth joins them: hissing giant lolcat Esoqq of planet Chalna. Picard visited there 12 years ago on Stargazer and apparently by having heard of the place earns Esoqq's respect, I guess? The Chalnoth are rebels and they'll never, ever be any good. And the jello pudding pucks aren't going to cut it: Esoqq's gonna eat Tholl in four days, tops. (It might be the only way Tholl could earn my respect, too: letting someone eat you to maintain peace would indeed show some backbone. And other organs.)

Speaking of dinner, quirky replacement Picard asks Bev to an intimate dinner in his quarters. A talk, a dance, a kiss, then it's out the door for the dancing doctor. Just when she thought it was getting interesting. Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

Picard, Haro, and Esoqq are hit with a pain beam for their escape attempt. They begin to turn on each other, wondering if one of them is an imposter.

Tricksy Captain doles out backslaps, ales, and song on the Enterprise. He starts to scare the senior staff. Yes, precious.

Riker mutinies when it becomes clear "Picard" is not concerned for the crew's welfare in the face of pulsar radiation.

In the cell, Picard divines they are in an Authority Test: The Commander, The Follower, The Collaborator, and The Anarchist. Picard also exposes Haro, who in the process of kissing up to Picard knew too much about Enterprise's missions. Once the subjects are released, the telepathic scientists are themselves captured by Picard. Lo and behold, they don't like it. He asks them to remember that the next time they feel like snatching people.

Everything is back to normal, but Jean-Luc is discomfited by Beverly scooching a little closer. Yikes! A lady person!

"Allegiance" has no strikingly terrible flaws, and the alien makeup is really cool. I love me a new alien. Point a camera at Patrick Stewart and 'boom', you got good work. But I'm really blase about the story. Especially the unnamed villain researchers. With the power to duplicate someone's memories, and transform yourselves, what do you really need to kidnap people for? Send in your monoliths, make the scans, then study the scans. Study each other role-playing the scans if you want to. But this seems less like an Authority Test and more like an out-of-control game of Marry, Screw, or Kill. Putting your own researchers into the test pretending to be subjects invalidates your results anyway, doesn't it?