Sons and Daughters

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Having dropped off Sisko's Sneaks back to Admiral Ross of Starbase 375, General Martok takes 5 new warriors aboard the Rotarran. Ginger, Skipper, Proffessor, MaryAnn... and Alexander Rozhenko.

Perhaps you remember him? He's a strapping lad. Nearly 9 years old? Ready to enlist in the Ancient and Justified KLF... uh, KDF. Klingon Defence Force, am I right? Rocking to the Rhythm in their Ice Cream Van? Anyway, he's eight. TOPS. And thus he's full-grown. But why in Gre'thor is he trying to be a soldier, asks Worf and everyone ever. "I learned it from you, DAD. O.K.? I learned it from YOU!"

And maybe you remember Ziyal? University lass? Maybe as much as 15 years old? Famed interstellar artist with a Deranged Despot Daddy? They grow up so fast.

A convoy to Donatu V needs Klingon bodyguards, but they're all pretty busy laughing at Alex gagging on gagh.

To hear Worf talk, Norpin (where Scotty had planned to retire) has falcons with astounding reflexes. Is that safe? Centenarians vs powerful birds of prey? I guess "plucked out" is one cure for glaucoma.

Dukat admits leaving Ziyal to die was an "overreaction". But he's making up for it now: by giving his daughter the sexy dresses Kira casts back at him in contempt. What a charmer!

Alexander resents Worf not having tried to contact him in 5 years. Is that Klingon years or Soap Opera years? Or Klingon Soap Opera years? I ask because we saw him not more than 4 Earth years ago, and he and his dad were getting along swimmingly. (Overly dramatic speeches and resentments came with the growth spurts.)

Martok and Worf finally welcome weak but determined Alexander into the House of Martok with some fun-filled bloodletting. (You know, Worf just lit a few candles with Jeremy Aster. Martok must be Klingon Orthodox.)

We HAVE to get these two crazy kids together! Their mixed-race Klingon-Human-Cardassian-Bajoran "Sons and Daughters" would probably reach adulthood in the 3 month gap between seasons! Eat your heart out, Ocampas!

Elogium

** (2 stars out of 5)

Kes absently munches beetles like popcorn, then grows aghast when she realizes what she's doing. Then she puts beetles and pickles on her ice cream. And she's eaten six bowls of buttered mashed potatoes and soil. And a bouquet of flowers.

You guessed it... Space Puberty!

The delirious Ocampa lass locks herself in the Doctor's office and grows a pouch on her back. This mitral sac is for her Cabbage Patch Kid, which usually arrives when she turns four or five. But she's not even two. And ready or not, it only happens once in her lifetime. If Kes wants a child, it has to be now, now, NOW!

Due to biological nonsense, Kes's palms sweat Krazy Glue which will bond her to her mate for six days to ensure conception. (Provided neither partner murders the other to avoid SIX DAYS OF COPULATION.) That'll happen after her parent (or in this case, the Doctor) massages her feet until her tongue swells. No, it's not some heady unpublished fanfic... THIS is HAPPENING.

And who's the culprit?  Well, a swarm of creatures FLAGELLATING through space. Space. SPACE!!! WTF are they flagellating AGAINST?

Voyager nudges the swarm away with deflector magnetism. So the creatures decide to have sex with the starship. And a massive, affectionate rival jealously attacks. Chakotay's surprising solution is awfully telling: roll over and act submissive.
Janeway's congratulation to her commander is equally telling: "In the future, if I have any questions about mating behaviour, I'll know where to go."

To top it all off, Ensign Wildman has just realized she is seven months pregnant. Though her husband on DS9 doesn't know it, their efforts will soon bear fruit. Well, a half-human half-Ktarian. I assume that's a mammal, rather than a fruit. But one never knows.

"Elogium" is icky sticky. If Kes and Neelix' relationship seemed dubious before, it now seems downright illegal. And when your premise is "Voyager Screwed By Space Fish" you might want to re-think things before you get out the cameras.