Think Tank

** (2 stars out of 5)

A group of clever schemers will think you out of a jam... for a price. Like an intergalactic H & R Block at tax time. Free advertising! Only notice I'm not saying H & R Block are evil alien scammers.

The smarmiest nerd in the bunch, who appears and disappears at whim, is Kurros. As Kermit the Frog once said: "Introducing Jason Alexanderplutz! Yaaay!" Kurros was once, himself, the price asked of his world by these Cosmic Contemplators. Now, in order to think Voyager out of a concentrated assault by Hazari Bounty Hunters, Kurros asks for a basket of trinkets... with Seven of Nine on top.

Because we've seen from the opening teaser that these smarty-pantses, from the sculpture/robot guy to the huge grouchy whale guy, are willing to let planetary populations starve or be swallowed by earthquakes rather than forgive a debt, this is not a bargain most would enter into. Or, as Janeway puts it: "Their morality may be a little questionable." Right.

Me? I want to hear the story of how they cured the Vidiian Phage... and what they charged. But today it's the "paradox" of what to do about the trigger-happy Hazari "The Bounty Hunters With A Work Ethic!". Oh, what a surprise, the Geek Squad dressed up as Malons and HIRED them. However will they solve this sticky-wicket?

"Think Tank" asks me to believe that the Hazari can out-think Captain Janeway (who evaded hordes of Kazon for two solid years), but when we interact with them they don't seem all that bright. Also, it asks me to believe that these scam artists have been in business for hundreds of years without getting killed, screwed people over on a personal and planetary scale, even out-smarted the Borg... but implies that the Hazari will be able to beat them up. And just exactly HOW does a hologram (sorry- isomorphic projection) drink coffee? I didn't hear a 'splat' when he disappeared. I'd ask you to ignore the cheesy elements and focus on the story... but there's not much of that, either. I guess it's a warning to geeks who inherit the Earth not to become jerks.

Chrysalis

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Why, look who's back! It's the Mentally Ill Get-A-Long Gang. Hey, Gang, we saved your ugly cavernous cargo bay and single sheet-less bed. Get comfortable!

Say, what's with the costumes? On your way to a Star Trek convention? Oh, I see, you broke out of the asylum and hijacked a starship by impersonating Starfleet Admirals! Next, we'll play vanish forever into a Section 31 prison...

Thankfully, charges are dropped for some reason. Oh, right, because Starfleet is sweet on Dr. Bashir.

And Dr. Bashir is sweet on mute, catatonic Sarina. Plus, there's a cure for that now. Couple of zaps of light to the brain here and there and Bashir has his very own Pygmalion. Thanks, Weird Science! Although her drab, grey Amish costume could learn a thing or two from Kelly LeBrock Lisa Genie Underpants.

The mutants add a new voice to their chorus, but Sarina no longer finds joy in playing Silent Motionless Cheerleader to the boys plotting to prevent the 60-Trillion-Years-Distant universal heat death. Still, she finds no joy in "Doctor" Julian's creepy come-ons either. Physician Heel!

If "Chrysalis" taught me anything, it's that you shouldn't date someone if you shaped their mind and identity. Actually, it didn't. This is much too obvious a lesson.

Statistical Probabilities

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Starfleet therapist Dr. Loews separated four rare problem mental cases from 'The Institute'. Jack be very nimble indeed, with a double-helping of high-speed blurting and paranoia. Lauren be horny, very possibly an actual Hall-and-Oates-style Maneater. Patrick be childlike and bipolar. Sarina be pale and silent. It's like 'The Big Bang Theory' vs. 1989's comedy 'The Dream Team', only without the joie de vivre.

Loews hoped Bashir might find common ground with them, as a fellow genetically engineered "mutant". Seemingly, it isn't just that Voyager is pressed for living space with Seven of Nine: the mentally ill really DO live in cargo bays now. Way to go Federation! Is the only improvement in nuthatches since the 18th century that the inmates are no longer regularly beaten for the amusement of a paying audience?

Anyway, in seconds of listening to Damar speechify, the marginalized freaks have gleaned his history as the pretender to the Cardassian throne who killed the princess.

Bashir engages the geeks in studying holographic war records. Jack learns Dominion-ese in a morning. Patrick follows their body language to divine their desire to acquire the Kabrel system. Sarina draws the chemical formula for turning Kabrel fungus into part of Ketracel White. Christopher Lloyd is a patient who thinks he's a psychologist!

Sisko takes the stochastic predictions to Starfleet Command. SFC likes their ideas so much they agree to have them consult on classified battle readiness. The results are not encouraging: There is, statistically, no way to win the war. If they fight- 900 Billion Federation casualties. If they surrender- a mere five generations of Dominion rule and eventually a better, thousand-year Federation. Also potato chips will be 20% less fattening.

Bashir pushes for surrender to save more lives, but Sisko and O'Brien won't hear it. Not willing to leave it up to them, Jack attempts to leak the battle plans. The Alpha Quadrant would fall in a few weeks with 2 billion dead instead of almost everybody. Plus there'll be time left to go count Tongo cards in a Ferenginar casino!

I really like "Statistical Probabilities", especially Jack. Violent, twitchy, treasonous Jack. He's so well-meaning! Of course, his good intentions would have gotten everyone killed, but they probably should have thought of that before they made him.