Armageddon Game

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Aliens with hair by Seuss, the T'Lani and the Kelleruns, used deadly bio-mechanical bugs called The Harvesters in their centuries-long war. Now Dr. Bashir and Chief O'Brien are working with the T'Lani to deactivate the horrible little things. Bashir's cure was muon rays, and there was much rejoicing.

Except T'Lani Ambassador Sharat takes a very thorough approach: destroy all Harvesters, anybody who knows about Harvesters, or anybody who ever watched a Pumpkinhead movie. Although Miles and Julian dodge the massacre, the Chief is hit by the last drop of harvester juice.

Sisko watches the faked video of their deaths, and they hole up in a dusty bunker. Miles tries to keep the bunker working while Bashir does the same for Miles.

Dax mourns Bashir, whose latest tactic to win her heart was to give her his diaries. Which she never read. Pity. There's some juicy, self-serving stories about tennis in there! Keiko, however, believes the snuff video is a fake: because her husband never drinks coffee in the afternoon.

The closest Julian came to marriage was ballerina Pallis Delon: the bunhead's dad even offered him a prestige medical job in Paris. But he chose Starfleet: See The Galaxy, Neck With It. Miles believes marriage is the greater adventure: "It's a journey worth taking because you take it together." And, if I may say so, marriage also contains necking.

Speaking of exciting journeys, the T'Lani system is less than an hour from Deep Space Nine. That's five times closer than Bajor's ever been. The hell? The only conclusion I can draw is that when the guys on the frontier heard about the new warp speed limit they shouted "Try and catch me, bitch!" and started driving five times faster.

Also, of course Miles drinks coffee in the afternoon. I think he probably drinks it in his sleep.

"Armageddon Game" has great runabout effects, and I like the friendship reluctantly growing between O'Brien and Bashir. Otherwise, a competent but unremarkable tale.

Homeward

*** (3 stars out of 5)

You know about plasmonic reactions, right? Presumably caused by the Gizmonics Institute, they strike without warning and destroy planets by broadcasting appallingly bad movies.

You know about Worf's foster brother, right? Starfleet Academy drop-out and cultural anthropologist Dr. Nikolai Rozhenko, stationed on Boraalis II. He broke the Prime Directive, popped out of his duck blind in Boraalan guise, and led a single village to safety when their world died. They're hiding in a cavern, in a canyon, and their nose is number nine.

When Picard hears of it, he plays the closed-minded hard-ass and refuses to let Nikolai save any backward medieval bastards under a forcefield. (Too bad they weren't Crusher's son or Data's pen pal, but, hey, thems the breaks.) Nikolai defies Mighty Saint Picard with a damn clever trick: he re-creates the shelter caves on a holodeck, beaming up all the survivors while they sleep.

Now despite the shattered Prime Directive, the crew are forced to assist him in re-locating the tiny society to a similar world called Vacca VI. Nikolai tells the villagers that Shrunken Forehead Worf is their 'Space Moses'. They plan to make it look like they walked to Vacca by gradually modifying the holodeck terrain. Except the holodeck (surprise, surprise) is broken: showing glimpses of the grid beneath. It even accidentally lets the village chronicler, Vorin, wander out into the halls. Nice locks, Holodeck.

Vorin's bad luck continues: Dr. Crusher can't erase his memory of their traumatically alien vessel and they can't let him go back and tell the others. Especially since they (weirdly) told him the whole truth: his planet being utterly destroyed and all. If Vorin tells the others he'd either be thought a madman, or their beliefs might be ruined by too much knowledge.

Unlike the Mintakans the last time someone broke a duck blind, these people are apparently too delicate for the truth. Pessimism seems the primary trait of their culture. Pessimism and hoodies.

Nikolai's Boraalan baby-mama Dobarra says something telling: that most of them were resigned to death and Nikolai is the only reason they lived.  He's going to make his life with the transplanted villagers since apparently he doesn't need to account for his illegal heroism.

Speaking of irresponsible lack of accountability, Vorin committed suicide out of severe culture shock while nobody (including the ship's shrink) paid him the slightest attention. Nice save, Utopian Future.

Stunningly, Picard now takes credit for the day's partial success. "Our plan for them worked out well." OUR plan? Your plan was non-interference and hanging your head in sorrow! This was Rozhenko's plan and you just came along. Sorry, Cue Ball. (Sadly, according to biblical precedent, I am doomed to be eaten by bears for mocking the authority of a bald man.)

"Homeward" closes with Worf's statement that their parents will understand Nikolai's decision.  I'm not so sure. Raising their grand baby in the sticks? Without the medical skill to treat hybrid complications, or even simple cancer? Doubtful. Still, the kid's not going to be poor: lawyers like Paul Sorvino make a great living.

The Pegasus

**** (4 stars out of 5)

It's Captain Picard Day! Delighted children make papier-mache heads and crayon scrawls in Jean-Luc's honour. Then, on to merrily smashing a Pica-nata full of caviar and dusty old pottery shards, before donning fedoras and muttering the traditional "Oh, Stop, my heart" until an early bedtime under a Personal Relaxation Light. For kids!

Cagey but ebullient Admiral Eric Pressman of Starfleet Intelligence swoops in on a mission to recover his long-LOST starship Pegasus. He's LOST his hair, and, you guessed it, LOST his mind.

Seriously, once you're promoted to Admiral they must give out free passes to some island where nothing makes sense.

See, Pressman was Will's first commanding officer. Twelve years ago an accident on a secret mission ended in mutiny. Young Will defended his Captain against the entire crew who turned against Pressgang... uh, Pressman. Why did they revolt, you ask?

The UFP-Romulan Treaty of Algeron prohibits the Federation from developing cloaking technology. And sneaky Pressman built a cloak that was also intangible! It got everyone killed and his ship stuck half-in half-out of an asteroid. Now the Admiral wants it back because... uh... I dunno. Heavy drinker?

Speaking of which, what wing-nut makes a deal to abandon an entire line of defense technology unilaterally? "We're ABOVE all that CLOAKING DEVICE folderol. Oh, you Romulans go right on using them. Here, have some of our colony planets, too. No, no, they won't mind. Why, yes, I AM drinking trilithium! Yes, it DOES taste ghastly, but simply ALL the diplomats are doing it nowadays."

Picard sternly chides his boss, debates the merits of the illegal machine, and uses it to escape the nasty black Romulan anyway. Moral dilemma, shmoral dilemma!

"The Pegasus" once more brings us Riker skipping merrily away from murder charges, madmen in the admiralty, and (as with the Cardassian Treaty) the reminder that Federation Diplomats are simply BEGGING to get screwed over.

The Alternate

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Quark's hawking his wares (dismemberment discs with chunks of Plegg, a famous modular holosuite designer). Boy, does hocking chunks of plague sound terrible. Of course, it's no better when Odo confirms Plegg's not dead yet. Wherever he is. He feels happy. He doesn't want to go on the cart.

Dr. Mora Pol is the Bajoran scientist who, tragically, is the closest thing Odo has to a dad. He's a dismissive narcissist ass, or, at best, not overflowing with compassion. (Still, nicer than Gregory House.) Pol leads a mission to planet LS VI, Gamma Quadrant. It's got ruins and a vegetable silicate life form similar to Odo.  When the away team beams up a glyph-covered obelisk, they are gassed unconscious. Uh, serves you right for terrible archeological procedure straight out of humanity's primitive imperial era? Which is to say the 'Me likey, Me keepy' procedure?

Still, everybody seems to recover from the gas. Dax relates sneaking out of sickbay in a hospital gown that wouldn't close in the back... because Dr. Bashir hid her clothes. It's the best story I ever heard. Especially because it makes no sense, but it involves a bare backside.

The science lab is wrecked up at night, and once freed the shape-shifting vegetable wandered off and died in a conduit. Poor, sweet, Moldo, we hardly knew ye!

Bashir of bare bum fame continues to hit on Dax and be rebuffed. He is accosted at night by a blob from the conduits. Although no headway is made in the case, Dr. Mora tells Odo how proud he is of his police work. The hard-bitten scientist privately tells Dax that he always expected Odo to fail in society and return to the lab. The arrogant, two-faced nozzle is clearly ignorant of religion as well, at one point exclaiming in wonderment "Dear God!", when for a Bajoran that expression is more commonly "By the Prophets!" I also would have accepted "Sweet Christmas!"

Mora is the first to realize the attacks occurred while Odo was supposedly regenerating in his pail. The gas must have affected the Constable after all, making him behave with hostility in his 'sleep'. Mora argues that the others will imprison Hyde Odo, or put him in a zoo. Really? Mora's theories sound dubious to me, but are nonetheless disturbing to Odo, who freaks out and chases his tormentor/father figure. Lucky for Pol the Rampage-Proof forcefields are working today.

Mora realizes, probably for the first time, how Odo regarded their time together as a painful imprisonment. He forgives Odo's rage. "You had to speak in a voice loud enough for me to hear." Kudos again, actor James Sloyan!

"The Alternate" is a look into Odo's upbringing, alluded to but never very specific. What it boils down to is Beaker probably has a happier time in Muppet Labs than Odo ever did in his lab. And also, don't keep people (or people-like things) in labs! It's in your own interest: one day they might burst your head like a Honeydew melon.

Rivals

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Suppose Guinan was a jerk. That's all the story I have for you today. Good-night everybody!

Martus Mazur, refugee from the El-Aurian system, is using his 'Listener' ability to con people out of their life savings. Really, though, what can you expect from the rancid Prince Humperdink?

Over-or-at-least-approaching-the-Hill O'Brien develops a fervent racquetball rivalry with Bashir. The lithe, lunatic doctor's beaten everyone in the sector including a Vulcan. Now he beats Miles. A lot. His pants off, in fact. It's Magic Mike, only less chiseled.

Speaking of bums, Martus' indigent, reeking cellmate is Aughra from The Dark Crystal, except male and less appealing physically. He's lost his fortune to a portable plinko machine. Finally, he loses his very life, which he counts as a win. Mostly because he doesn't have to be in the rest of the episode.

Martus plays with the dead guy's Pokeball. Although Pikachu fails to appear, the criminal charges vanish, some wealthy widows happen by, and soon Quark has a rival in 'Club Martus'. Worryingly, it looks like Mazur bought the spot leased to the temple. (The monks must be working as his fry cooks. Like I said, jerk.)

The infirmary fills up with minor bad-luck accidents. Miles somehow steps on the racquetball in mid-flight. Quark runs the betting on The Doctor Vs. The Mechanic and tries to slip Bashir a mickey. Even though he's clever enough to scan before drinking, Julian loses anyway against all odds.

The El-Aurian's fortunes also suddenly reverse when he's caught with his head in a showgirl's bosom, and his wealthy widow walks out. Then Wealthy Widow Mark II absconds with his cash: she was scamming the scammer all along. (Mommy needs a new pair of self-igniting stars!)

Dax discovers that the laws of probability have gone Screwy McGooey, and yes, that is more scientific than the on-screen explanation. Dax and Sisko set the world to rights by phasering Martus' giant replicated gambling machines. Quark bails Martus out of the pokey in exchange for he am-scray and never darkens our towels again, see?

"Rivals" is dumb fun and that's all I can recommend about it. That's fine by me. You may have noticed the occasional element of juvenile humor in my own paltry work. Pbbthpht (inserting underarm fart noises).

Parallels

***** (5 stars out of 5)

Triumphant in the bat'leth tournament on Forcas III, Worf returns to a surprise birthday party presented by his seemingly deliberately culturally insensitive friends. Even in 2370, the rights to the Happy Birthday song seem to be unavailable, as they sing him 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow' in Klingon. Troi points out to the disgruntled birthday boy how difficult it was to translate: "There doesn't seem to be a Klingon word for "jolly"."

Worf experiences sudden dizziness and the entire world is changing around him. His winning trophy now says ninth place. His memories don't match anyone else's. Was it the concussion he doesn't remember having?  But why would that change Troi's hair? Or Data's painting?

And what concussion results in a live-in Betazoid shrink for a wife?

Worf is dimension hopping, and the commonality when the shifts occur is Geordi. His VISOR is causing quantum leaps, if you will. Captain Riker and Lt. Wesley Crusher at security nod sagely along. Happens all the time.

According to blue-eyed Data, a theory in quantum physics holds that anything that can happen, does happen in alternate realities. (It's true: I read it in an Archie comic.) Worf's shuttle struck a quantum fissure which has put him out of sync.

Belligerent Bajorans attack the Enterprise during a scan of this fissure and the barriers between realities break down. More than 285,000 Enterprises appear in moments (fortunately none of them were occupying the same position). Among all of themselves they find Worf's original shuttle. Worf must head back to the rift and seal it the instant the lightning strikes the Hill Valley Clock Tower.
Then everything will be fine.

But some are not so keen on going back. Desperate to stay somewhere that still has a Federation and ideally FEWER BORG, a war-weary version of Riker fires on the shuttle. The local Captain Riker orders fire on Beardy Riker, and the poor devil's already ruined ship is destroyed. UNSETTLING!

Our Worf makes it back in one piece, and asks Our Troi to dinner. UNSETTLING!

"Parallels" is, to put it mildly, awesomesauce. Humor, terror, action and a radical new concept (assuming you didn't read a lot of comic books growing up.) It's better than any five episodes of Sliders you'd care to name.

Sanctuary

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Kira's shouting at her government gets in the way of her work, but shouting at Quark gets classical musician Varani a bar gig. Since Varani's tootling mesmerizes crowds (even Morn his human date!) they aren't spending. Quark was hoping for more of a Cantina Band like Figrin Dan and The Modal Nodes, I'd imagine. Or even Joh Yowsa.

The station has a sudden influx of the great unwashed. The flaky Skrreea (by which I mean their skin and their belief system) are hard to understand, with a Gamma Quadrant tongue less universal than the universal translator can manage at first gabble.

Sisko passes out the Slim Jims but their needs are a little greater: three million refugees seeking the paradise planet Kentanna. They've escaped 800 years of enslavement to T-Rogoran masters recently conquered by the Dominion. (There's that name again. Probably nothing...)

DS9 seats 7000 people tops, but Sisko finds the crowding worth it to give the aliens their first taste of freedom. He's not in the majority. Ferengi don't have much use for poor people, and Skrreean religion is incompatible with Bajor's. Skrreean leader Haneek has decreed Kentanna... IS Bajor. Bajor can overlook the polyamorous matriarchy but let's not get weird about church.

The Kira/Haneek Ginger Mutual Appreciation Society is pre-doomed. The Provisional Government doesn't want 3 million more mouths to feed, even if, as skilled farmers, they'd feed themselves. (Plus if Haneek's hair is any indication, they'd also be successful fast-foot franchise mascots.) Sisko pipes up how Draylon II is nice, but this does not help Haneek forgive Kira. Nor does it stop her belligerent son Tumak getting shot down while trying to land his unarmed jalopy.

While it's very true that Bajor made a big bag of bad decisions today, the bigger picture is, of course, what the hell is going on in the Gamma Quadrant?

"Sanctuary" has some good points about immigrant discrimination, and nothing much to do with the Amanda Tapping adventure series where she collects cryptids.