Fair Haven

*** (3 stars out of 5)

It is not such a stretch from imagining a world with holographic doctors to one with holographic boyfriends... uh, I mean bartenders. Well, both. Bartender boyfriends.

Tom Paris has foolishly grown weary of his awesome Captain Proton story and instead constructs a town of fiddle-dee-dee Irishmen (and lasses, one assumes). When a nasty patch of Space Weather strikes and forces everyone to stay inside and play, the sleepy 20th Century village catches on with EVERYONE. Because OF COURSE 150 people would all agree to like the same thing at the same time! That's why no TV show ever gets cancelled.

Aw, heck, who would I be kiddin'? Everyone loves the Irish. Always have, always will. 'TAY-toes! Faith and Begora! Oh, dear mither, there goes me liver!'

Anyone who's listened to Nog for five seconds can tell you what men would use holodecks for.  It's only natural, though not as crass or obvious, what ladies would do. Ladies like Captain Janeway, for example.

And it starts with the sentence "Computer, delete the wife."

"Fair Haven" raises what I think is a significant question about fantasy romance, although they avoid any resolution. IS Michael Sullivan sentient? Or is this just a the latest version of humanity's oldest single player game? (I'm saying I think the Captain is after his lucky charms... in his pants!)

Speaking of things you think about when you're not getting laid, I have a major beef with the tech! In Season One we were explicitly fed a line about how holodeck power and main ship power were INCOMPATIBLE (that's why a ship that uses rationing can even HAVE holodeck stories- in essence if you can't pay for the groceries why would you splurge on premium cable?). So the bit where the ship is saved by transferring holodeck power to the deflectors at the expense of the character memory of Fair Haven is the purest blarney.

Badda-Bing, Badda-Bang

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Bashir's friend Felix just doesn't know how to make a holoprogram without crazy antics. His "2013 Papacy Succession Beer Pong Bash" is legen... wait for it... dary.

The holographic Vic's hotel contains a jack-in-the-box character: a mobster named Frankie Eyes. He's bought the place, turned it sleazy, and roughed up our beloved lounge singer. Only a well-planned wacky heist can ruin the gangland goomba and save the day!

The Deep Space Nine crew rallies around their fictional photonic friend, devoting their off hours to solving the dilemma- within 1962 parameters and using only historical Vegas materials. (So no arming Cirque du Soleil with photon grenades, then.) Kira puts the make on Frankie Eyes. Kasidy and O'Brien compete to antagonize the guard into giving one of them a free strip-search. Bashir brews the ipecac, Odo distracts goons with his supple wrists, Nog cracks the safe, and Ezri wears skimpy clothes and slips the mickey to the guy in the count room.

It's Captain Sisko's job to ruin the mood by reminding us that Vegas was WHITE, WHITE, WHITE in 1962. Leave it to Captain Wet Blanket to disdain a fantasy game because of the LACK of period-specific racism.

Of course, Sisko's cause is just. You don't just forget how awful the past was just because it's been hundreds of years. Yet there must come a day when even a righteous grudge gives way to enjoying your present life. The Captain does eventually unclench- sharing the stage with the hologram Vic. Sharing the song in their hearts: 'The Best is Yet To Come'.

"Badda-Bing, Badda-Bang" was all about rallying around a fiction and investing heavily in fantasy. AND HAVING FUN, DANG IT! Deep Space Nine was almost never comedic. Brilliant drama, great stories, fine performances, heady ideas... but usually pretty doom-y and gloomy. So here's to just having a blast. Like Vegas itself- hot, wild, inebriated fun.