Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum

** (2 stars out of 5)

Starfleet finds the planet of the Good Vibes and Discovery is tasked with finding a way to make it War Useful. "Pahvo, eh? Pretty Planet of the Placid Blue Lava Lamps? Makes strong vibrations, all Wakanda style? It's sort of Pandora if Pandora was Vancouver? Cool, cool, can they send sonar pings? Get them busy pinging these invisible damn enemy ships!"

Starships Gagarin, Hoover, & Muroc are destroyed. Stamets calls Sylvia "Captain" because he's full of 'shrooms. That's the whole "C" story. I wish I had a joke. Here's an observation instead: Owosekun is at ops and Airiam has the conn! I wrote them down from the subtitles but I still couldn't tell you their names with a gun to my head. 

Over in story "B", Kol of House Kor is doling out invisibility screens. These are the bad guys' main advantage and yet another way THESE 2250s are not unfolding as they did in the Trek timeline I grew up with. L'Rell pretends to be torturing Cornwell and instead has a "nice" chat with fake screams. As soon as she hears “The Federation has no death penalty." L’Rell says she wants to defect, like a true follower of Kalesh. I think that’s Kahless here?

Incidentally, why did the "Klingon" guard leave his post just because his prisoner is screaming? How do you even have that job?

Michael Burnham & Lt. Love Interest, Ash, continue their twitterpatin'. 

But this is Saru Day! Doug Jones does beautifully in (sorry) the dullest tale of the year. Saru can top 80 kph on those hooves of his and his senses are more acute than human. He crushes communicators with his bare hands. That's not our focus, however: it's the bodiless, voiceless, Pahvan peaceniks and how Saru converts overnight when they take away his fear. 

This decompressed tale could use a bit of compression. The title means: "If you want peace, prepare for war". Prepare for a nap, more like.

Star Trek Into Darkness

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Star Trek 2! (Brought to you by Budweiser.)

2259: a terrorist bombing at the Doctor Who production offices in London is masterminded by rogue Starfleet operative "John Harrison Ford Not An Alias". Starfleet C-in-C Admiral Alexander "Buckaroo Banzai" Marcus, demands answers! While Marcus gathers all his eggheads in one basket, "Harrison" drops by in a hover chopper and kills (among others) Kirk's beloved mentor Admiral Pike. The suave, handsome mass murderer then beams to "safety"- a transwarp jaunt into the post-nuclear wasteland of the Klingon homeworld. You know, for safety!

Marcus orders Kirk to take a fistful of top-secret, totally unidentified torpedoes and shell the crap out of a Klingon continent from orbit to stop one man. Heroism! Scotty is the only one who vocally refuses to go along with this horrible plan (well, Keenser, too, just not so vocally). Kirk accepts that hippie's resignation while drooling over the Torpedo Babysitter "Carol Wallace Not An Alias". After all, who needs Scotty when you've got an English lady in her underthings?

With a K'normian ship acquired earlier during the comic book, Kirk and company disobey Admiral Marcus and extract "Harrison" themselves. "Harrison" allows himself to be arrested, since it is clear he can kill a dozen Klingons with his bear hands, cool coat, and giant gun, and also chew through handcuffs and cell walls if he so wished. He doesn't even need oxygen! Nice job on the genetic engineering, 1965!

For he is a super-soldier, and in my first disappointment of the Abrams tenure, he's Khan. Not Khan's trusted lieutenant, not some other Eugenics War Augment. Khan Singh. (The man's a versatile, PHENOMENAL actor. He's an amazing nemesis. He's an absolute snake in human skin! But does he look like a KHAN NOONIEN SINGH? Wesley Snipes, maybe! Nigel Chillingsbottom. Even John Harrison. THAT I'd believe!

Speaking of lying about your name for no real reason, Wallace the torpedo babysitter is the Admiral's good-hearted daughter- Carol Marcus. (Now that we're doing this, I half-expected Keenser to be DAVID Marcus under a Halloween mask!) Big Daddy Marcus is a war-mongering maverick with a big, black starship. He found Khan someplace and used him for wetwork (see deleted shower scene). But Marcus also held Khan's crew hostage to blackmail the centuries-frozen savage strategic genius into DESIGNING his big, black starship! You know, just as Donald Rumsfeld would logically have forced frozen Napolean Bonaparte to design his war planes...

Some visually entrancing but exceedingly questionable physics-defying airlock antics later, Kirk and Scotty tag gamely along as Khan defeats Marcus. And crushes his skull. Then Khan steals Marcus' Vengeance for himself. Vengeance and Enterprise shoot each other down, and Kirk dies of the radiation while re-starting the engine. Spock rages at the death of his BFF, and beats Khan into submission aboard a speeding hover garbage truck.

Everyone is very sad, so Dr. McCoy uses Khan's magic blood to resurrect Kirk, a tribble, and Admiral Archer's beagle. You had to be there. It was pretty exciting.

Speaking of exciting, for all the Cumberbitches, I offer this deleted scene of Khan in a hot shower. As The Internet has pointed out, it's a regular shower with Mr. Cumberbatch in it!

So, yeah. Amazing action. Visually stunning. Fantastic performances. Originality? Not so much. Dialogue, characters, emotional beats- too many are lifted directly from Wrath of Khan. Which was a big let down after the 2009 film was so fresh. This leaves a bad taste in the mouth, like two skanky Neko-Girls in bed with Kirk instead of one perfectly nice Orion.

"Star Trek Into Darkness" offers half the fun, but keeps the dream alive and, despite the poster, is probably a sophomore slump instead of the franchise finally crashing and burning. As Kirk's final speech hypocritically exclaims: "Exploration is the answer, not violence! Just ignore all that lovely, pulse-pounding violence we just spent two hours thrusting at you! Exploration! That's the ticket! Yeah! Violence? Icky." Until I tire of it (I've only seen it twice, after all), I still have to give it four stars. It's Star Trek, you guys! It may be grim, but it's all we've got for the next few years.

What's that you say? You say there's hundreds of comics and novels and fanzines and YouTubes? Well, then what the hell are we waiting for? The Human Adventure is Just Beginning!

Anomaly

*** (3 stars out of 5)

In keeping with the theme where our heroes are actually the villains, anomalies are turning go into stop, up into down, and cats into dogs. The part of beagle Porthos will now be played by a capybara.

In the co-ed locker room, Archer addresses his tactical instructions to the MACOs boobs, which nod along diligently. Boarded by pirates, Enterprise racks up its first casualty when they lose one of their Crewman Fullers. Crew lady Fuller is probably fine. Boobs and all.

Orgoth the Osaarian is a killer jerk thief with a face twisted by spatial anomalies. He entered the Expanse as a simple trader, couldn't get back out, and turned to crime after being attacked by all the other trapped, tormented victims. So Archer throws him into an airlock and gives him 40 seconds WOO (with out oxygen) to tell him where to find some Xindi. Space water boarding is now acceptable! Just as long as you're sure you're the good guys.

Pitched battle and frenzied keyboarding nets them 90% of a stolen Xindi database. 88% of it is probably religious gibberish, porn, or pictures of kittehs, but if there's a page or two on Death Stars that might be good. Having based your war on terror entirely on anonymous hearsay, if might be nice to get some facts eventually.

"Anomaly" was written initially to feature Orion pirates, which would have been WAY better! From my point of view, they used entirely too many foreheads of the week and entirely too few familiar faces in a series set BY DESIGN in what will one day be the Federation's back yard. Provided you can even make a Federation out of this morally grey, jingoistic mess.

Civilization

*** (3 stars out of 5)
Not to harp on about this, but remember how those experienced Vulcans never contact worlds without warp drive? Humans, though? NO RULES YET! Caution Schmaution! Cultural contamination and unwed pregnancies for everyone!

With some surgical forehead wrinkles and a so-so universal translator, the crew investigates the pre-industrial world of Akaali which already has its full share of meddling alien douche-bags.

Garos the Malurian is pulling a "Lizards-In-Human-Suits" from V, but he's not here for your guinea pigs. No, he's dumping industrial waste cheaply and buying up antiques. Like a loveable individual lizard-man sized Haliburton!

Will the threat of Vulcan intervention keep them in line? "Just you wait until the Vulcans get home, young lizard-man! THEN we'll see how much fun ruining the environment was!"

Archer smooches the Akaali Apothecary Riann until solutions involving running and shooting present themselves. It's like a little slice of the original series all over again! And speaking of the original series, it's perhaps ironic to note that if these are the same Malurians metioned in 'The Changeling' then they only have about 100 years until they are wiped out by a little industrial accident called Nomad. Karma!

"Civilization" continues a trend of solid, entertaining but not outstanding stories. I enjoy the illusion of freshness, though! We're seeing the FIRST humans to look down at a new world and say- "I got a great big gun here. You want to give me your continent for some beads?" I kid, of course. OUR guys only interfere to restore the locals to freedom and self-determination. And also kissing. What a difference a few centuries makes. Yes, it's a fantasy, but it's a GOOD fantasy.

Prey

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Candyman Kurn's Identical Hirogen Cousin hunts a CG creature, and it's not Jar Jar Binks. It's not even that adorable CG Yoda!

To a Hirogen, war paint and a little mascara are just the thing when hunting those infectious jerk-bags from Fluidic Space who don't deserve their own name: Species 8472. And now they've got a Hop-On. The Fluidic tripod is clinging to the hull like a Garfield doll. (I'm OLD, kids!)

Janeway chooses to try compassion with two species that between them boil bones and decorate with hooks, chains, spinning fans, and severed heads. Kathy tries to explain compassion to a dubious, insubordinate Seven of Nine. As a lieutenant, Janeway's proudest moment battling Cardassians was a wounded foe she aided- under orders she thought were ludicrous.

But, despite that long, heart-warming story, Seven disobeys the Captain and beams 8472 to the Hirogen wolves to save Voyager's skin. Right or wrong, the Borg is grounded. When she's not at school, she'll be in her cargo bedroom unless mommy says otherwise.

"Prey" offers Alien Vs. Predator when that still seemed appealing. But, on a TV budget and with prime-time violence, it's only as good as the actual movie Alien Vs. Predator. Still, no one's ever gone wrong with Tony Todd, even under a hundred pounds of lizard face.

Favor The Bold

 **** (4 stars out of 5)

Morn smuggles plums... sorry, I mean plans. The brown cucumber background dweller brings a secret missive, off the station, to Captain Sisko. The Dominion has finally unjiggered Rom's jiggery-pokery with the wormhole. Starfleet masses to retake Deep Space Nine before all is lost.

To that end, Nog is promoted to Ensign. Take that, SCHOOL! See? Put on a good war and the surviving kids will advance in half the time!

Weyoun was made by the Founders, as you know. Vorta like him have great hearing, and terrible eyesight. They aren't soldiers like the Jem'Hadar, so they didn't NEED good eyesight. If that sounds cold and horrible, Vorta also apparently didn't need a sense of aesthetics. Is there in truth no beauty? Don't ask a Vorta. Neither one matters a plugged chunk of latinum to them.  Says a lot about the Founders in my view. A society with no love of art is nowhere I want to be.

And the Founders' undesirability as galactic elite is further illustrated in their representative and her relationship (and relations) with Odo. She perceives her people as guides to the lesser races. This "guidance" will include breaking the solids of their love of freedom.

Case in point: Rom. Texas isn't the only government willing to execute the mentally incompetent! Ziyal's pleas to her father Dukat to Free the Ferengi fall on deaf ears. And any Vorta who can look Leeta in the pouty face and still flip the switch on her hubby really doesn't have an eye for beauty.

All looks bleak as 600 good guy ships face twice as many oppressors. What, to use the vernacular, will Cosgrove DO?

"Favor The Bold" has some of the best starship fleet effects to date. Of course, it's only the penultimate episode of the arc, and they've saved some for next time. Thankfully, my weak eyes are sufficient to activate my sense of aesthetics when it comes to SPACE LASERS!

Business as Usual

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Quark's murderous cousin Gaila talks the destitute bartender into selling weapons. Odo is so livid that he's swallowed his lips! No, sorry, that's his normal face.

It's off to jail... oh, wait, not so fast! Weapons Sales are only illegal if you're not a close, personal friend of the Bajoran Government. And Hagath's Cut-Rate Weapons helped free Bajor.

Hagath the Horrible is a crazy rich sadist who fires any minions who cross him. Fires them out of airlocks. For some reason, Gaila plans to retire and let Quark hang around with Hagath from now on.

Adding to Quark's woes, it turns out the Federation types who bailed him out when he was censured by the FCA are all peaceniks. Dax especially drops Quark's friendship like a hot, smoking plasma rifle mowing down millions of innocents with very expensive bullets.

Troubled by friendlessness and dreams of the dead, is it possible the Ferengi has grown a rudimentary conscience? How will Quark get out of this one? Which mad genocidal despot will disintegrate him first?

"Business as Usual" is great but raises some questions.Where, pray tell, does the Federation get its many fine phasers and photon torpedoes? People MAKE them, right? Does Dax think THOSE people are unclean? Are bat'leth manufacturers subject to such ostracism? Laser distributors? The guys who install the energy arrays that keep our quaint little space station safe from Invading Space Lizards?

How is gun salesman worse than Quark's regular job- pouring addictive poison?

Dax's shunning of Quark seems hypocritical coming from someone who engages in vengeance killing with her Klingon pals like a hobby. But I guess she's holding Quark up to his personal standards instead of his cultural ones. He IS a self-professed "people person", after all.

The Maquis, Part II

 **** (4 stars out of 5)

Kira's sympathies are with the Maquis, as you might imagine. But Ben can't accept Cal's impromptu army of guerrilla settlers. Won't see any Maquis ships stopping at DS9 for their repairs.  Maybe the drive-through window at Quark's...

Cardassian Big-Wig Legate Parn and Starfleet Brass-hole Necheyev stop by to bluster, bark, and throw their weight around. In Parn's case, literally. Too many Taspar Egg McMuffins?

Necheyev wants the Maquis to behave and she says it twice: "they're still Federation citizens." But... but... the whole point of this was THEY'RE NOT! They're human-types who woke up one morning on the wrong side of the fence as Cardassian citizens. THAT'S WHY THEY'RE PISSED.

Sisko blames it all on that wonderful, oblivious, paradise: Earth. When you look out a window on Earth and everything's hunky dory, you forget that it's still terrible elsewhere. "It's easy to be a saint in paradise," Sisko figures.

If only Earth still sucked, eh?!

Sakonna can't bring herself to torture Dukat for information when her mind meld fails, and winds up arrested. Sisko's team saves the former evil dictator. Hooray?

Dukat puts them on the trail of Xepolites smuggling weapons into the DMZ. Hetman Drofo Awa, Lost Fish Prince of Atlantis, crumples under Dukat's death threats. And now Dukat and Sisko are BFFs! Hooray?!

I love Quark lecturing Sakonna on the logic of 'peace at a bargain price', but what's Odo thinking putting them in the same cell? He's got like three empty ones. Maybe he was hoping the Vulcan might finally snap and kill Quark. Hooray?!?

Sisko can't talk Hudson into a puff on the peace pipe, and Ben's Brigade must shoot Hudson's ships to drive them off. "I said I'd stop the Maquis and I have, but I won't kill a good man for defending his home." Even this doesn't satisfy Dukat. Ben probably thinks satisfying Dukat is the unenviable task of Mrs. Dukat.

"The Maquis, Part II" brought my fanboy buddies and me some cool combat effects, as runabouts dogfight with space crop dusters. It also brought forward a schism that might be one of Star Trek's biggest hypocrisies: Come for the utopia, Stay for the violence.

Whatever became of Cal Hudson? Tune in tomorrow, same Maquis time, same Maquis channel.

Time Squared

** (2 stars out of 5)

The theme of today's story is 'you can't make an omelet without stinking up the joint'.

Riker tells his friends how he learned to cook: his mother died and his father hated cooking. Great story. His scrambled eggs are a hit- with Worf only.

But the looks on Geordi and Pulaski's faces fall further south when they stumble across Enterprise Shuttlepod #5- and it hasn't launched yet. Also, it has an extra Picard aboard. Nobody remembers ordering one...

The Shuttle and the Picard are incompatible with the power systems and medicines of this Enterprise. The mystery shuttle logs show Enterprise blown to smithereens by a space vortex.

Can this be their destiny? And in a mere three hours?

Picard is upset that his doppelgänger would abandon his ship and crew for any reason. "Except for his features there is nothing about him that I find familiar."

Troi and Pulaski argue over whether the original Picard will crack up, or boil over. (See, I did the egg thing again, there.)

A hole in space appears (much more dynamic than Nagilum's hole for whatever that's worth). At least it's a pretty special effect to die inside. Like a tornado full of lightning! Troi thinks it might be alive? The Picards are both hit by lightning.

Now the 'Future' Picard is confused but making for the shuttle. FP believes he can sacrifice himself to the entity and save his ship. Past Picard believes there is another choice. PP therefore shoots FP dead!!! Whoa! What the H? Are stored phasers set on KILL? Why would Picard shoot to kill? It's out of character and so unnecessary that I choose to believe the impostor just reacted badly to a stun beam like he did to the stimulant.

In an absolutely GORGEOUS effects sequence that doesn't change the fact that nothing makes any sense, Picard takes the Enterprise into and through the tornado-being. O'Brien helpfully stood over Corpse Picard long enough to see him and his asynchronous conveyance vanish into the ether. Other than to serve the plot, why was O'Brien standing there? Seriously, once Pulaski leaves shaking her head, just steal the dead Captain's boots and run, man!

"A lot of questions, Number One. Damned few answers." Ain't that the truth.

Another dimension? Time travel? An illusion? It's just going down in the log as one big 'Huh?'.

"Time Squared" was meant to lead into a story that blamed the whole mess on a prank by Q. Take away that, and it's just a bizarre non-event. "Stardate: Tuesday. Received video of own death. Cause unknown. Motive unknown. Somehow we avoided it. Shrug. Set course for some other damn thing."