The Augments

**** (4 stars out of 5)
When we left our heroes, the Augments had decided to keep the fuzz off their backs by starting a Klingon-Earth War. "Sensibly", they're going to start by poisoning Archduke Fehr'DIH G'Nand and everyone else on a Klingon colony near the Briar Patch (You remember? From Star Trek: Insurrection still available on DVD, Blu-Ray, Netflix and Direct-To-Brain download.)

I'm still on the edge of my seat when Captain Archer narrowly avoids a cloud of diseases by blasting himself into space! Where he is beamed to safety with mere frostbite and burst eyeball capillaries for Phlox to contend with. Wish you had a genetically more durable body yet?

Malik overthrows Daddy Soong because the human perfectionist intends to cook up the next batch of Augment Shrinky-Dinks to be less inherently hostile. Malik LOVES hostility! To prove it, he stabs his girlfriend Persis for helping Soong escape. So much for the Malik Dynasty. The ladies don't find that sort of thing terribly endearing, I understand.

Back in normal land, T'Pol's arranged marriage has made things awkward for Trip Tucker. As Trip puts it- "Romeo and Juliet probably stood a better chance." Or as my wife quipped: "Romulan and Juliet."

It all ends with a bang, after Captain Archer bluffs his way past a Klingon Border Guard who sounds a lot like Yoda. Jon tells a big ad-libbed fib about ferrying the Chancellor to Orion... which luckily fits the rumour that the Chancellor digs Orion females. Kerplop!

"The Augments" is 'Movie Reference Episode' with the border guard being kind of ST VI, beaming off exploding ships kind of ST III, and, of course, all the name drops of Khan from ST II. Nobody saves any whales, but when Soong goes back to jail, there's a glint in his eye about designing androids instead of super-soldiers. Despite our heroes' Anti-Augment prejudice, I suspect the true lesson of Mr. Data may be that absentee fathers can be preferable to parents who saddle you with ludicrously high ambitions. What's wrong with setting a goal like "be human"?

Good Shepherd

**** (4 stars out of 5)
Hoping to make up for putting her actual friends second to some filthy holograms, Captain Janeway has decided from now on, no crewman will be left behind. No matter how useless.

Take William Telfer, Tal Celes, and Mortimer Harren, for example. Better known as Billy the Hypochondriac, Twitchy Bajoran Quota Girl, and Chip Carson The Invisible Kid. They've never joined in any reindeer games, and Janeway's going to get them to socialize on a Delta Flyer Away Mission if it kills them. And with the Flyer's track record, it might!

Telfer gets sick for real-real with a bizarre dark-matter parasite fresh from an X-Files episode, while Celes admits that just doing her math-filled job without hiding under blankets may be beyond her. Mort's fine with math, he'd do it all day especially if it meant he didn't have to socialize. He tells Janeway he was only IN Starfleet to meet a year-long 'Going Outside' requirement of the Orion Institute of Cosmology. So instead of spending his life doing long, long division with green cheerleaders, he's been banging his head on the bowels of Voyager for six years. No wonder he's so pissy.

"Good Shepherd" has awesome special effects. The opening shot swooping into Janeway's office window, through the ship, down to Herron's dingy warren, and back out his window is really great. But... but... why would anyone want a window in the floor? Would you want an infinite abyss whipping by right next to your office chair?

Valiant

***** (5 stars out of 5)

Quark still has the hots for Dax. But not as hot as things are about to get for the eager lads and lasses of Captain Kid's Spring Break Starship! And not in a good way.

Nog is delivering a diplomatic message from Starbase 257 to the Grand Nagus. The Federation's running out of G.I. Joes, and hopes to enlist some big-eared ranks of Marauder Mo's. And Jake came along.

Defiant-class U.S.S. Valiant saves the old chums from enemy attack. Valiant is under the command of Red Squad cadets. You remember? Elite Brown Shirts who blacked out Earth? Cream of the Crop?

"Captain" Tim Watters got a battlefield promotion from the late Captain Ramirez. Timmy passed out ranks like corsages to his buds. "Acting Chief Petty Officer" Dorian Collins is a Lunar Schooner from Tycho City, Luna. But Moon Girl's mooning over a home she misses dearly.

They were supposed to circumvent the entire Federation as a 3-month training cruise. Instead, all seven officers apparently died in combat. Captain Tim has been behind enemy lines for 8 months. Oh, and he never checked in. See, they might have asked him to stop risking a valuable starship. They might have said he should be shouting "kegger" more often than "ramming speed". (Some of those Stuffed Shirts at Starfleet Command probably watched 'The Wrath of Khan' and remember what a panic-stricken trainee crew being slaughtered looks like.)

Watters gives Nog what he's longed for: membership, belonging, "Lieutenant Commander" rank... too bad Starfleet has no idea about any of it. (The sharp-eyed will notice that Nog's new hollow pip means lieutenant junior grade, not lieutenant commander. But why would they make a mistake? They're the best of the best!)


They plan to take on a Jem'Hadar battleship that would make a Galaxy-class starship poop its pants. Best of the Best Tim is popping stimulants like penny candy. Does Nog know when to cut and run?

With breathtaking space battle effects and a "Lower Decks" sensibility, "Valiant" offers an update on the Children's Crusade. With almost as few survivors!

Innocence

** (2 stars out of 5)

On a moon of Drayan II, Tuvok gets his chance to re-enact the reverse-aging gibberish from 'The Counter-Clock Incident'. (We aren't supposed to know that's the twist, but, SPOILERS, it's a very ridiculous twist.) You can't even blame it on the physical laws of an alternate universe. Sorry, but THIS HAPPENED.

The Drayans' fashionable mosquito netting-clad First Prelate Alcia reveals very little about her culture except that they don't want to make friends. And they love cheesy cheesy face cheesecloth.

After a shuttle crash, Tuvok looks after a passel of little Drayans. The adorable moppets warn Tuvok of the morrok that comes for them in the night. They constantly refer to themselves as "children". Sadly, the Drayans sent them here to die.

The moon is sacred ground. Alcia is angry that Tuvok has blundered in. But somehow, she doesn't aid Janeway in getting him out. Why is she so unhelpful?

On their overnight shuttle-repair camping trip, Tuvok sings the kids one of the 348 verses of the Vulcan lullaby of enlightenment 'Falor's Journey'. It's a lovely moment.

Little Tressa requests asylum with Tuvok after the other rugrats vanish in the night.

Finally, Alcia announces that Tressa is 96 years old. She is confused and innocent because of her advanced age due to a species-wide case of Benjamin Button's disease. So... why did Alcia and all the little oldsters use the word "children" over and over again? Are the Universal Translators on strike?

"Innocence" shows us what Vulcan dads would be like, showcases Tim Russ' talented acting and singing, and very little else. There seems to be no moral to the story, unless it's 'Kids Are Cute', 'Vulcans Are Logical', or 'Euthanasia For Everyone'.

Rascals

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Shore leave for Picard, Keiko, Ro, & Guinan ends in a bizarre change when beamed free of a space phenomenon. (If this seems like an odd group to hang out together, just remember they do shore leave alphabetically: Bajoran, Baldy, Bartender, Botanist. Before you ask, Bolian Barbers don't get vacations.)

Their bodies are transformed into preadolescence with their personalities unchanged. Like the last few minutes of 'The Counter-Clock Incident'. Or Muppet Babies.

Guinan skips her way through second childhood, while Ro gets a chance at one not huddled behind barbed wire. Miles and Molly O'Brien try to adjust to Keiko as their pre-teen wife and mother. Just like reality television, it's utterly unreal.

Spanky, Alfalfa, Mopey, Guinan Gal, and Worf Junior must save the day when Ferengi privateers overtake them (they had Klingon weapons, O.K.?) and send most of the adults into the vendarite mines of Ligos VII. I choose to believe the adult women toiled naked in honour of an unfinished Gene Roddenberry script, but that's neither here nor there.

Picard Lad throws a hissy fit to be allowed out of school lockdown and allowed to see Riker.  He lets the nickname Number One slip out in front of the pirates and covers with: "He's my number one Dad!"

Riker spews technobabble to the Ferengi like he was playing fizzbin. Lurin and his stooges are EASILY DEFEATED!

Ro takes a little extra time as a girl to draw pictures. Guinan encourages her.  "That's the wonderful thing about crayons. They can take you to more places than a starship."

"Rascals" should, by any sane standards, be a dreadful episode. It's not. I liked Muppet Babies, and I like Star Trek Babies, too. It's a big risk to pin your whole story on young performers, but it payed off nicely. So don't forget to jump on the bed sometimes.

When The Bough Breaks

* (1 star out of 5)

"When The Bough Breaks" is weak sauce, like the chromosomes of the people of planet Aldea.

Aldea! Mythical cloaked planet of wondrous riches, has been sought for ages like Atlantis The Lost Empire on DVD. Aldea! Suddenly it turns up today in the Epsilon Mynos system without preamble. The Enterprise put in no effort at all, merely following a trail of (as far as I know) literal breadcrumbs in space.

First Appointee Radue (Jerry Hardin) and the Desperate Housewife Ghost Narrator greet them as a distraction. Meanwhile, a scanning beam enters the ship, focused on children.

Their approach is essentially: 'Uh, yeah, hi, we're sterile. Can we buy your adorable moppets?'

The answer is no, so the Aldeans take the kids anyway and toss the ship three days away when the parents protest.

The Custodian, a giant computer, chose Wesley, Harry, Katie, Mason, Alexandra, Alexandra's tribble and all.

The kids are remarkably sanguine abductees. No tears or screaming. Just 'here's your new family, go make some art! No more math for you! Yay!'. My wife, Trish, pointed out that the Aldeans could've quietly drugged them. They DO have a lot of advanced tech, so it's possible. Free Space Ritalin with every ice cream?

Also, what kind of breeding stock is SEVEN KIDS? This seems like a terrible plan.

Harry carves a dolphin for his new parents. "A fish! We used to have those in our oceans!" say his pasty guardians who can't go outside and have nice, friendly lesions. These people don't know how their equipment works, also the depleted ozone layer is causing deadly radiation poisoning. Perfect environment for growing youths.

The kids start a hunger strike. Picard and Crusher negotiate carefully as a distraction while Riker and Data sneak in and disable the Custodian. This forces the Aldeans to turn off the harmful cloaking device, accept medical help restoring their chromosomes, and eventually make their OWN adorable moppets.

"And we know they'll make good parents," smiles Troi.

DO WE? We know they make good short-sighted, bullying, arrogant, hippy-dippy CHILD SNATCHERS. That's not the same thing, really.