The Disease

* (1 tawdry star out of 5)

Voyager docks with a generational ship of distrustful aliens called the Varro.  Tom Paris calls them xenophobes, but they seem to be handling humans just fine. In fact, one of them is handling Harry Kim A LOT.

Harry's paramour is called Tal. Her first name is Darren... assuming she IS a she.  As their discussion of each other's unfamiliar groin-area wingus and dingus would have it: "The birds and bees would be very confused."

They're not the only ones! Before you can say 'Cheating on Libby Who?', Harry IS feeling guilty... about breaking protocol. Yes, really. Apparently there are dozens of rules about Sex in Starfleet! "The handbook on personal relationships is three centimeters thick," chirps Holy Mother Janeway. But it only makes sense that archaic regulations would be printed on archaic paper. (It's hard to imagine the Great Bird rubber-stamping THAT rulebook!) Also, you have to ask your doctor and your captain before you bump uglies with aliens.

Did Riker ever have to do that? Paris? KIRK? Did Chakotay have to beg Janeway to let him dally with that bounty hunter? Did Janeway fill out requisition forms for the EMH in order to suck face with the Devore Inspector?  557 Star Trek stories thus far and this has NEVER (so to speak) COME UP?! Frankly, I'm not buying it. But now it's canon and I have no choice. So listen to this ridiculous lecture with your fingers in your ears. Just like Riker and Kirk must have done...

Oh, in case you give a crap what Borg think, Borg apparently regard sex as a disease. No coincidence, since Harry does catch "The Disease". Unlike Earth crabs, these make him literally sparkle like a Twilight vampire.

Speaking of parasites, the Varro ship is riddled with metal-eating bugs. It's coming apart physically as well as socially. Since this has nothing to contribute to the primary story, and isn't remotely interesting on its own, I can only assume they ran out of sex stuff and just started padding.

Change of Heart

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Dax and Worf are assigned to extract a Cardassian double agent called Lasaran.

Worf's idea of a honeymoon is a slog across Vulcan's Forge, or shivering their way across the mountains of Andor. Dax wants to have room service on the self-indulgent planet Casperia Prime, the "vacation capital of the Hoverian Cluster". Worf agrees easily. Dax is surprised he's so agreeable.

She's even more surprised by how dull the Enterprise must have been if they thought WORF was the funny one. (Ha, ha, DS9. Dull is not a stone you want to throw today, what with your glass house.)

Lasaran is defecting with information about the Founders, and he needs to be lifted out of the jungles of Soukara. Which are full of transporter scramblers. Time for some old-fashioned walking! (And he'll probably want to be literally lifted on the way back, he seems like a load.)

Meanwhile, O'Brien is a man who loves a challenge. Kayaking down the same holo-river for seven years. Playing darts against a guy with enhanced co-ordination. And today: beating QUARK at tongo. Well, forcing the enhanced guy to beat Quark at tongo. The Ferengi distracts Bashir with the sob story that Dax was probably their only chance at happiness and they let WORF win her heart. This technique works: turns out the doctor still fancies her.

Not as much as Worf, of course. Fancies Dax, I mean. Not Bashir and Worf. Save it for the slash fiction, ladies.

As a boy, Worf wanted to run naked with the wolves of the Ural Mountains when his father took him camping. But when his wife is shot by a Jem'Hadar anti-coagulant beam, the sexy talk stops and the real misery sets in. Will Worf save a selfish Cardassian jerk and thus potentially end the war, or will he save his wife? There is no contest. Worf didn't really want an upwardly mobile career anyway, did he? Or (let's not kid ourselves) an END TO THE WAR. He's a KLINGON, if you'll recall.

"Change of Heart"offers some stunning effects as Dax dodges asteroids. And the 'Dax' effects of spotted skin and shoulders romping under a fur blanket with her man can set to stun as well. As Sisko and all husbands know, there IS no choice here. Save the wife, save the world.

Resolutions

**** (4 stars out of 5)

All that closeness and bonding Neelix and Tuvok did last episode seemed like such a good idea, the Captain and the First Officer seem to have managed a bizarre accident of their own. The duo caught one of those rare, incurable viruses while on an away mission together (itself kind of a rare situation). The virus has no effect at all, unless they leave their lovely camping trip on 'New Earth'. The cure is worse than the disease: a life-long romantic vacation.

After 17 days, the Doctor can't find a cure, unless maybe they contact the Vidiians, why not? Janeway transfers command to Tuvok and orders him to head for Earth without them. Also, she orders him not to risk getting everyone killed by going to the Vidiians, hat in hand. Because, it would soon become 'heart in hand', or 'pancreas in hand'.

Six weeks together, Chakotay has built Kathryn a tub, and a headboard. He's also their cook, launching quite happily into homemaking while Janeway continues the search for a cure.

Janeway in a towel, AND an adorable spider monkey? This episode has it all!

Captain Tuvok rejects Ensign Kim's plan to contact Danara Pel and offer some of B'Elanna's DNA in exchange for a cure for Janeway's cuddlesome vacation. (How does Tuvok reconcile the fact that he hasn't put on a Captain's uniform or added the required rank pins... in over a month and a half? Methinks someone doesn't want to accept his new role.) Anyway, Kes goads and flatters her mentor into relenting.

When her lab equipment is ruined in a plasma storm, scientist Janeway has to focus on all that's left: what 'parameters' will she and Chakotay define for their relationship?

Chakotay relates an 'ancient legend'. It's the tale of an angry warrior who finally found peace by swearing to himself that he would put the needs of a brave, wise, warrior woman above his own. Not naming names or anything.

Poor Dr. Pel (looking like a Cyborg Brussels Sprout) offers the cure while her people offer lasers.

A happy ending that puts an end to any thoughts of kissage.

"Resolutions", despite its name, resolves nothing. Except by omission. I was sorry to see the back of the Vidiians. And even sorrier that there was no follow up to the love story. This was the last time we'd visit the romantic potential of "Chakway" or "Jankotay" if you'd like. This has remained a disappointment to me for years.

For The World Is Hollow And I Have Touched The Sky

**** (4 stars out of 5)

"For The World Is Hollow And I Have Touched The Sky" is much better than I remember and a singularly romantic outing for McCoy. Did I mention I think McCoy is awesome?

Dr. McCoy has xenopolycythemia, and less than a year to live.

A hollow atomic-powered asteroid 200 miles across is on automated course to hit the 3 billion people of Daran V. Kirk says he and Spock can handle it alone.

"Without ME, Jim? You'd never find your way back." smiles McCoy.

There is illusory open sky in the asteroid. Captured by High Priestess Natira, our boys discover the people of Yonada don't know they are inside a giant stone spaceship.

The all-knowing Oracle gives them an electrical shock of greeting. You guessed it, it's a tyrannical computer holding its stagnant culture in religious thrall.

"Things are not as they teach us," says a local oldster. He's pained with warning until he dies for daring to tell the tale of climbing the forbidden mountains and touching the sky. I am always moved by this. It is a short but effective illustration of tragic injustice in non-flexible religion. Plus it sucks.

The Oracle is one computer I don't feel remotely sorry for that it crossed paths with Kirk.

Bones gets his flirt on with Natira. She shares his forthrightness and honesty, and she desires him for as long as he may live.

The Oracle will allow McCoy to marry Natira if he agrees to implant the Instrument of Obedience and follows all laws. Will Bones convert for some Yonadan nookie? Could be worse- nobody's mentioning circumcision.

Kirk and Spock are sentenced to death for entering the Oracle room, but McCoy begs their lives. He's not coming back with them. "I'm on a kind of a collision course myself, Jim."

With a "just married" bumper sticker on the asteroid, Natira reveals a sacred text that can alter the direction of Yonada. McCoy calls his friends to talk about it, and Spock saves him from the inevitable results of the deadly Instrument of Obedience. The Oracle doesn't like those who speak unsanctioned truth.

"Is truth not truth for all?... I must know the truth of the world!" When Natira defies the clockwork god, it tries to fire the non-believers. With heating elements.

Spock and Kirk make a few easy fixes and pop the rock back on course. Conveniently, the secret room also contains the cure for xenopolycythemia.

McCoy must still go on searching the universe, and his wife must still serve her universe Yonada. But Kirk thinks they can arrange to return in 390 days to the new world, so Bones can "thank" her.