Maps and Legends

 

****(4 of 5)

A little flashback so we can see that ordinary Federation Folks from a solar system heretofore described as a paradise are living unhappy garbage lives and doing unhappy garbage jobs just like us 21st Century saps. Plus they have made and enslaved Plastic People to do some of the unhappy garbage jobs for them who also abruptly murder them and their entire planet Mars because nobody ever learns nothin'.

Back in the present, Laris surmises that the near mythical Tal Shiar sect called the Zhat Vash (Romulan Robot Slayers who despise artificial life even more than everyone else apparently despises artificial life) were behind the slaying of Dahj and her boyfriend.

Dahj's unsuspecting twin Soji has jumped into bed with handsome and hush-hush Project Director Narek. Soji has a Trill doctor for a work friend so we can all hear how dangerous it is to work on an "Inactive" Borg Cube. Spoiler: the only way in which this scene pays off is that we never see or hear of this friend again! She vanished completely, so it worked: the danger is real. RIP Cool Trill Doctor.

Picard meets with his Beloved Old Starship Doctor Friend we've never heard of before, Benayoun, who reminds the Admiral that he is dying of the brain abnormality... which we DID hear about before. We never see him again, either. RIP Adorable Human Doctor.

Picard goes to Admiral Clancy seeking a ship to find Bruce Maddox and thereby the other android. "Curse-Word" Clancy says some curse words. Fourteen species out of thousands in the Federation were threatening secession over saving Romulan lives, so national stability was deemed more important than being good and kind people.

Starfleet's Commodore Oh and Lieutenant Rizzo are being Secretive Sallys, and it turns out Rizzo is handsome and hush-hush Narek's dishy and duplicitous sister. 

Laris wants no part of a deadly space adventure, sadly. Zhaban suggests Picard take one of his many loyal Superfriends, but (like the loner Batman he is) Picard would rather trust his fate and that of an extremely marginalized synthetic lass to complete strangers and people who hate him. Enter: Raffi.

I love CSI Laris the forensics maven. I love the hologram of the Enterprise D mainly because they have chosen not to screw around with her design the way they did the TOS Enterprise. RIP TOS Enterprise. I think the writing and performances are quite good here. More please!

Babel One

***** (5 stars out of 5)

Apparently only 2.5 million people watched "Babel One", because this was when UPN decided to cancel the series. I will try to refrain from saying (again)... just when it was getting good!

O.K., so I failed. JUST WHEN IT WAS GETTING REALLY GOOD!

If the stiffest complaint that can be laid against this story is that is a lot like 'Journey To Babel' then I must totally agree and say 'bring it on'! This is exactly the derivative pandering pablum I wanted to yum up all along! Provided said pablum is also knowing, funny and surprising.

Tellarites and Andorians standing on the brink of war! Molly Brink standing around in her underpants! Returning with a bang as the Andorian Talas, this soldier gal certainly makes Captain Shran's antennae stand at attention! HOW is he always so grouchy with a GF like that?

Speaking of grouchy, I don't know if I would love a Tellarite friend or co-worker, but these dog-eating, mud-wallowing, stinking, hairy swine bring a pork barrel full of fun to interstellar politics... when they're not adding injury to insult.

Action and tumult ensue- when Reed and Trip explore a nasty ship. Trapped aboard the attacker (which uses advanced holography to mimic multiple hull designs), the humans must make their way to the bridge and find out who's behind all this murderous chicanery...

It's an absolutely BRILLIANT twist ending, perfectly in keeping with established facts, and it's spoiler-y as all hell. But it's way past too late to bother about that. The answer is... NOBODY! There's NOBODY driving!

Cancelled! Still, numbers don't lie. ROMULANS LIE!

Minefield

*** (3 stars out of 5)

What's more awkward than dinner with the boss? Breakfast!... followed by talking him through your job, with your lives on the line, while peeing your pants.

That was how Malcolm Reed experienced the Romulan first contact- cowering before their blood-green ships, clinging to the outside of the hull like bug, skewered through the leg by a malfunctioning invisible bomb.

In the words of the seagulls from Finding Nemo: "MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!" It seems the Romulans already love hiding things: like a "Minefield" that blasts a big bite out of the Enterprise cookie. They love hiding their identities, too, enough that no human or human ally is destined to see one and live to tell about it until Captain Kirk in 'Balance of Terror' a century from now. They even hide their language: you'd think someone with as clever a tongue as Hoshi would notice the similarity to Vulcan if they hadn't made intentional alterations. (Like Romulans say 'soccer' instead of 'football' and 'Freedom Fritters' instead of 'Vulcan Fritters'.)

I was initially so excited to see a de-cloaking Romulan ship as a prelude to the inevitable interstellar war, that I didn't notice what some reviewers called the classic hurt/comfort fanfic. I hadn't realized... Reed's awkwardness might have been caused by strong romantic feelings for his captain! Here I was thinking the only stick Archer was shaking was that weird salt-and-pepper wand or whatever he always wiggles over his food!

But now I see! It's all space surfing and pee play for these stalwart men of the future! Romulans aren't the ONLY "passionate people"!

Face of the Enemy

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Don't you just hate it when you get kidnapped on vacation and dressed up as a Romulan? Counselor Troi does. You'd think after La Forge's abduction in 'The Mind's Eye' that Enterprise crew would only take leave in pairs and make Worf be the other half of that pair...

Romulan Subcommander N'Vek is a sneaky peeky spy from Spock's underground. He's kidnapped Troi and had RuPaul make her over as Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar. (Which is Romulan Intelligence, named for all the neck breaking, one presumes.) N'Vek's smuggling Vice-Proconsul M'Ret into the Federation. Their Veep defecting should be a major blow to the government. Provided the average citizen even knows he's gone. (Personally, I think they'll just kidnap and surgically alter some poor random alien to take his place... they're pretty good at that.)

The commander of warbird Khazara is Toreth, identical cousin of Taris, who we met four years ago. Carolyn Seymour is once more sublime in the antagonistic role. The best part is she's probably perfectly nice: without a jack-booted thug like "Rakal" all up in her Romulan grill.

Human Ensign DeSeve is a another perfectly nice traitorous dog who defected to the Romulans, and because the Federation is what it is he can easily defect back. He just can't bear to part with his horrific haircut. He brings a message from Cowboy Spock to get Picard into the Kaleb Sector for a meet and greet with the Runaway Veep.

The defection is supposed to include an alien middleman. This Corvallen guy came first in the Benjamin J. Grimm look-a-like contest at Comic Con, but was confused since he didn't enter. It's Corvallen Time!

When Troi senses the mercenaries are lying, N'Vek blows all 18 of them to space dust.

Toreth deplores the loss. But Troi can't show any similar weakness. It's great that Troi's natural compassion has to take a back seat today: to being a towering bad-ass. Which she manages quite well.

"Face of the Enemy" lives up to the potential of the Romulans with ghoulish glee. We rarely see their world and this is a great example. It's also a fine showcase for Troi, proving her butch bravery once and for all. In her position I would have been wetting my quilted grey culottes.

Redemption Part II

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Over the summer, Worf either got a demotion to working tactical for his little brother instead of Gowron, or (like the X-man Wolverine in the decades to come) Worf does both and is fighting on two or more teams at once. He may already be a member of the Justice League.

Picard is trying to reveal the Romulan aid covertly propping up the Duras fleets.

Since the days of Kor in 'Errand of Mercy' it seems the Klingons abandoned their surveillance culture. If one's superiors are always watching, the Duras sisters could not get away with all the crap they pull.

La Forge devised a tachyon detection blockade with 20 Starfleet ships that have nothing better to do. Geordi and Riker are assigned temporary command of a couple of them. After 26 years in Starfleet, Data asks Picard whether he gets to play, too, and is assigned command of the Sutherland.

Data's first officer, Christopher Hobson, instantly requests a transfer rather than work for an android. Klingons can't be Counselors, Berellians can't be Engineers, and Androids can't be Captain, at least to hear him tell it. Thankfully, as Hobson demonstrates, humans can still be Bigoted Dinks, or the galaxy might run out.

Worf is finding Klingon life is not all it was cracked up to be. Cracking heads, maybe. Bar games like Arm Wrestling with Knives. The old standard 'I Punch Your Face', sure. But where's the love?

Sowing confusion, Romulan Commander Sela approaches Picard at the blockade. She claims Tasha Yar was her mother. But how can this BE?

Guinan has a vague recollection of 'Yesterday's Enterprise', and a convenient gap concerning her own role in causing Paradox Sela to exist. To hear Guinan tell it, it's mostly Picard's fault.

24 years ago, (in Sela's enthusiastically detailed back-story) Tasha Yar was one of a few Enterprise-C survivors scheduled for execution. A Romulan General took them off his 'To Do' list when Tasha agreed to be on his OTHER 'To Do' List. When Sela was four she got her fleeing mother shot and, to hear Sela tell it, she's O.K. with that.

B'Etor should have a line of T-Shirts: 'B'Etor Failed to Seduce Me and all I Got was this Lousy T-Shirt'. Worf is the latest dude not to fall for her charms. He doesn't want a future: "Where Klingons trade loyalties in dark rooms and the Empire is ruled from Romulus."

Sela has her people interrogate Worf. This is a guy who runs painstik gauntlets for his birthday. We don't see the Romulans' idea of torture but I imagine it did them very little good. Strangely, Worf is hardly IN this Worf story.

Picard arranges a ruse to goad the Romulans into running his blockade. This whole blockade seems a little suspect to me. Blockade a single planet? Sure, why not. Even Neimoidians can manage that for awhile. Blockade SPACE? The moving graphic makes it look like the cloaked Romulans could just fly around the entire fleet without much trouble.

Pressed for time or something, Data goes against Picard's orders and Hobson's dragging, racist, feet to light up the sneaky Romulan convoy with low-yield torpedoes. The Romulans pull at their collars with their fingers and make comical *Gulp!* noises.

Sela skulks away, shaking her tiny pink fist, and growling 'Next Time, Gadget! NEXT TIME!', leaving the Duras fleet to flounder. As the Duras territory is bombarded, Kurn rescues Worf. The Duras sisters beam away, abandoning Little Lord Toral. Gowron gives Toral's life to Worf, but that compassion Picard talked about gets in the way.

Don't worry. I'm sure somebody killed Toral before Worf even got back in his gold uniform.

"Redemption Part II" is pretty great. Despite my misgivings, I usually like a Romulan story. Yet everything wraps up a little too neatly. It's almost sitcom easy to return to the status quo. But the effects are groovy and Sela is one of the most brilliant underused villain ideas they ever had. Welcome to ST:TNG Season 5.

The Enterprise Incident

***** (5 stars out of 5)

"The Enterprise Incident", you may have guessed, is an incident involving the Enterprise. You may also have guessed by the stars that I'm a big fan.

Captain Kirk is inexplicably a Grouchy Pants and he orders his ship into the Romulan Neutral Zone. As often happens when one does this, one is surrounded by Romulans. But just this once, they're all in Klingon ships. In-story reason: a temporary Klingon-Romulan alliance. Real world reason: money. (The CGI version puts in a Romulan Warbird for added awesomeness.)

Who secretly wants a cloaking device? The Federation, apparently. Have the Romulans got one they're not watching?

Kirk and Spock beam aboard in a hostage exchange to meet the Man in Charge.

The Romulan Commander... is a lady.

She's very impressive. For one thing: she's speaking English. For another: she actually is more in the right here than Kirk and Spock.

They are playing a game of deceits and espionage in order to steal a cloaking device. She, at least, is a brutally honest loyal soldier of the Romulan death machine.

Spock first swears Kirk is off his rocker, then pretends to kill his Captain. She offers Spock a place in her Empire if he makes good on his overtures of defection.

Spock starts a seduction to distract and manipulate this woman. The Romulan Commander is cunning, logical, and emotional. And, like many before and after her, she's got Vulcan fever.

McCoy surgically alters Kirk to pass for Romulan so he can beam back there and steal the new cloaking device.

The Romulan Comander whispers her secret name to Spock, and dresses to impress him in the boudoir. They engage in some heavy "finger kissing". But her underling Subcommander Tal bursts in before the good stuff- they detected Spock's covert communicator signal.

The Commander seems genuinely betrayed, slaps Spock, and sentences him to an unpleasant execution. Spock claims the Right of Statement: he filibusters for 15-20 minutes. Long enough for Chekov to scan for the only Vulcan aboard. They beam Spock out and get a two-for-one deal when they also snag the Commander.

I'm starting to think the Romulans don't even HAVE shields!

Scotty adapts the stolen cloak in time to turn invisible and skulk away.

Rather than the brig, Spock escorts her to quarters on Deck Two. (By way of every other deck, I guess, it's quite a long, emotional turbolift ride to travel down one floor.)

They will set her free at the nearest Federation Outpost.

Joanne Linville is a delight as the Commander. No wonder she turns up so much in Trek fiction.