Extreme Measures

*** (3 stars out of 5)
Let's pretend for a moment that you can get past Odo's crusty exterior and love him anyway. Perhaps a little less than Kira does, but still. Given that, what lengths would you go to to keep that surly shapeshifter from glooping down the drain for good?

Would you defy the law, catch a master spy, and force a cure from his twisted brain with banned Romulan mind sifters? Assuming, of course, that no Vulcan or Betazoid or Lethean or Minaran or Talosian or anyone of several dozen other kinds of legal telepaths couldn't be found or hired to look in there for you for some reason?

If your answer is yes- then congratulations. You just got Section 31 operative Luther Sloan to commit suicide rather than help you. Do you A) give up? B) devise a contraption to hop inside the dreams of a dying madman to find the answer anyway?

If you answered B) I hope you have a best friend like O'Brien to help you.

"Extreme Measures" has it's head and heart in the right place, that is, the "Dreamscape" or "Inception" place. It's a great sci-fi concept to enter and participate in someone's dream. And Julian and Miles get to risk their lives together again for a righteous cause. Maybe they even brought down Section 31 for good, though that's a pretty big maybe. As I say, it's a good concept. It's just unfortunate that the inside of Sloan's head is on such a tight budget.

Armageddon Game

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Aliens with hair by Seuss, the T'Lani and the Kelleruns, used deadly bio-mechanical bugs called The Harvesters in their centuries-long war. Now Dr. Bashir and Chief O'Brien are working with the T'Lani to deactivate the horrible little things. Bashir's cure was muon rays, and there was much rejoicing.

Except T'Lani Ambassador Sharat takes a very thorough approach: destroy all Harvesters, anybody who knows about Harvesters, or anybody who ever watched a Pumpkinhead movie. Although Miles and Julian dodge the massacre, the Chief is hit by the last drop of harvester juice.

Sisko watches the faked video of their deaths, and they hole up in a dusty bunker. Miles tries to keep the bunker working while Bashir does the same for Miles.

Dax mourns Bashir, whose latest tactic to win her heart was to give her his diaries. Which she never read. Pity. There's some juicy, self-serving stories about tennis in there! Keiko, however, believes the snuff video is a fake: because her husband never drinks coffee in the afternoon.

The closest Julian came to marriage was ballerina Pallis Delon: the bunhead's dad even offered him a prestige medical job in Paris. But he chose Starfleet: See The Galaxy, Neck With It. Miles believes marriage is the greater adventure: "It's a journey worth taking because you take it together." And, if I may say so, marriage also contains necking.

Speaking of exciting journeys, the T'Lani system is less than an hour from Deep Space Nine. That's five times closer than Bajor's ever been. The hell? The only conclusion I can draw is that when the guys on the frontier heard about the new warp speed limit they shouted "Try and catch me, bitch!" and started driving five times faster.

Also, of course Miles drinks coffee in the afternoon. I think he probably drinks it in his sleep.

"Armageddon Game" has great runabout effects, and I like the friendship reluctantly growing between O'Brien and Bashir. Otherwise, a competent but unremarkable tale.

Rivals

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Suppose Guinan was a jerk. That's all the story I have for you today. Good-night everybody!

Martus Mazur, refugee from the El-Aurian system, is using his 'Listener' ability to con people out of their life savings. Really, though, what can you expect from the rancid Prince Humperdink?

Over-or-at-least-approaching-the-Hill O'Brien develops a fervent racquetball rivalry with Bashir. The lithe, lunatic doctor's beaten everyone in the sector including a Vulcan. Now he beats Miles. A lot. His pants off, in fact. It's Magic Mike, only less chiseled.

Speaking of bums, Martus' indigent, reeking cellmate is Aughra from The Dark Crystal, except male and less appealing physically. He's lost his fortune to a portable plinko machine. Finally, he loses his very life, which he counts as a win. Mostly because he doesn't have to be in the rest of the episode.

Martus plays with the dead guy's Pokeball. Although Pikachu fails to appear, the criminal charges vanish, some wealthy widows happen by, and soon Quark has a rival in 'Club Martus'. Worryingly, it looks like Mazur bought the spot leased to the temple. (The monks must be working as his fry cooks. Like I said, jerk.)

The infirmary fills up with minor bad-luck accidents. Miles somehow steps on the racquetball in mid-flight. Quark runs the betting on The Doctor Vs. The Mechanic and tries to slip Bashir a mickey. Even though he's clever enough to scan before drinking, Julian loses anyway against all odds.

The El-Aurian's fortunes also suddenly reverse when he's caught with his head in a showgirl's bosom, and his wealthy widow walks out. Then Wealthy Widow Mark II absconds with his cash: she was scamming the scammer all along. (Mommy needs a new pair of self-igniting stars!)

Dax discovers that the laws of probability have gone Screwy McGooey, and yes, that is more scientific than the on-screen explanation. Dax and Sisko set the world to rights by phasering Martus' giant replicated gambling machines. Quark bails Martus out of the pokey in exchange for he am-scray and never darkens our towels again, see?

"Rivals" is dumb fun and that's all I can recommend about it. That's fine by me. You may have noticed the occasional element of juvenile humor in my own paltry work. Pbbthpht (inserting underarm fart noises).