Despite Yourself

*** (3 stars out of 5)

You're back for Chapter Two, Despite Yourself? Or should that be Despise Yourself?

ST:Disco has learned the lesson of previous series: when in doubt, there's always sex and violence to be had in the Mirror Universe!

The Mirror Universe humans of the Terran Empire are especially insular and bigoted today. I mean, they're never been bastions of sweetness and diversity but we've previously seen their "Humans Only" policy wasn't in place 100 years ago or 12 years from now. Still, there's every possibility this is "A" Mirror Universe just as the first half of this season is clearly in "A" Star Trek universe, one of the expensive-looking and morally dodgy ones. More evidence? The Imperial logo has Earth's continents mirrored, a fine idea which also wasn't the case before this.

This Mirror Universe had a technological goose in the bum with the arrival of the Defiant. They've had a century to put little wing breaks and hull grooves in just in case any of us were wishing it was the same design as last time.

Still, can't complain: with our crew pretending to be baddies we get a raft of new little pins, and giant gold breastplates to cosplay in for ages to come! (Or just put your head in a purple pumpkin and "Klingon" away.)

Giant defector L'Rell can still wreak havoc from her bonds (did she bring those with her?). She activates her Super Secret Surgically-altered Spy!

Are you shocked and appalled to learn that Ash Tyler is the albino Voq who vanished just before Ash showed up? Perhaps you have not been watching television enough. Although I will tell you that although the Internet had guessed this one months earlier it is a fine development indeed! It's probably best if you binge this all at once and then you don't have time to think about it.

Not thinking about things is also how you get Dr. Culber, discretely telling Ash his truly horrifying medical findings (namely, that Ash had his skull belt-sanded down and a new personality implanted) without ANY kind of witness or, say, burly back-up nurse present or even anyone to hear the inevitable snap of his neck.

Oh, Doctor Culber. It's a good thing gay guys are so plentiful in Star Trek that we can spare one.

In a Mirror, Darkly

***** (5 stars out of 5)

I thought I had completely tired of the Mirror Universe, but here it is again and it's better than ever!

First of all, that's a staggeringly fantastic opening sequence. Trek Nerds recognize the end of Star Trek First Contact where Zefram greets Solkar... only instead of the Dawn of Maturity and Peace, psycho Cochrane shotguns the space elf down and steals all his stuff! (Keep in mind, in this dimension, Dexter is a sitcom.)

We discover Reed and Phlox invented the Agony Booth, and, curiously, that the ISS Enterprise crew is already more racially integrated than its counterpart in the positive universe: Andorians, Tellarites, even Orions. Of course, they're all conquered vassals, but still... get to the Tholians!

It's not just another evil parallel universe story, but a sequel to 'The Tholian Web', in which those dastardly crystal lobsters have got their claws on a tasty piece of future tech in flamboyant 2260's style... U.S.S. Defiant.

Mirror Archer proves he's not as unambitious as his Captain Forrest thought, torturing and blasting his way onto the bridge of the most powerful ship in the universe. Who wants the first orbital barrage?

"In a Mirror, Darkly" has lots of twisted amusements: Doktor Phlox dissecting his menagerie, Ho-shi trading up from Forrest's bed-warmer to Archer's, and Big Dick Tucker looking like he took a nap on a hot plate, but they had me at the revised opening credits. Earth thugs killing everything they see until they conquer the moon! Humans are the WORST... but you kind of have to admire their can-do spirit!

E²

*** (3 stars out of 5)

You know what they say. If you travel far enough, you eventually meet yourself.
More "Children of Time" turn up in Enterprise-2. Commander Lorian, son of T'Pol and Tucker is every inch a Tolkien elf. Karyn Archer is Jon's great-granddaughter. And probably 80% of everyone else aboard is named Ensign Phlox. The man is nothing if not prolific.

They were thrown back 117 years while under attack from some foreheads called the Kovaalans. Unwilling to interfere in their own timeline, Enterprise became a generational ship in a perpetual holding pattern. And even with eleven decades of planning, they somehow crapped up when it came to stopping the probe attack on Earth. Or even sending an evacuation warning?

But like Admiral Janeway and her shuttle full of Future Tricks, they bring techniques for tractor beams and Warp 6 speed. But they haven't got a cure for Reed- fated to be a bachelor all his days. (It's only because he and Major Hayes never admitted their gay love.)

Lorian couldn't give the order to collide with the probe at the cost of his crew. He blames his emotions for this tragic hesitation. His mother, however, tells her younger self "Follow Your Heart". So whaddya gonna do? And I guess if you run out of ideas again they could still show up somewhen shouting "Hi! What did we miss?"

"E²" is the shortest Star Trek title to date. Maybe there's a story out there about the grandson of Q: the lower case q. It's a well-performed tale with keen effects whose greatest sin is like all late-stage Trek: it's not boldly going where no one has gone before anymore.

The Emperor's New Cloak

*** (3 stars out of 5)

If you ever needed evidence that the Klingons abandoned their camera surveillance culture at some point after Errand of Mercy (and when WOULDN'T You?) then it is right here:

The most conspicuous pair of Ferengi brothers in the universe stroll into the flagship of the Supreme Commander's Seventh Fleet (offscreen) and stroll out with the most vital component. The Cloaking Device. Cloaked, naturally.

They're hoping to trade it for Zek's life. See, Nagus Zek stole the designs of a Mirror Universe transporter from Rom, and set sail for profit on the Kinky Side of the Mirror. (Maybe he's hoping Evil Risa imports whips and chains in bulk...)

(This cloaking device plan is only viable because the mirror-side Klingon-Cardassian Alliance have forgotten that they already HAVE cloaking technology. The villains ARE amazingly stupid.)

Quark was bending and bribing the ear of his Blessed Exchequer figurine praying for Ezri to be his bedtime pal this Xmas, when an Ezri DOES suddenly appear, but the grabbing and restraining are not all Quark hoped for. She's a black-hearted, black-coated mercenary. Also, she's gay.

Speaking of which, Mirror Kira kills her latest Ferengi out of half-hearted tradition. Poor, kind-hearted Mirror Brunt bears the brunt of her rage, while simple-minded Mirror Garak is offed by Lezri.

Will our not-very-heroes get home alive... and unspoiled?

"The Emperor's New Cloak" is DS9's final foray to the domain from the brain of the late Jerome Bixby is quite adequte to the task, and it's fun. Rom in particular is a welcome voice of reason in a dimension so unlikely that even VIC FONTAINE gets killed there... and yet it somehow stays parallel.

Children of Time

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Remember that time a planet's weird atmosphere made two Rikers with different experiences? What if that happened to an entire shipload of Rikers? And O'Briens and Bashirs? Today we find out.

Two days from now, the Defiant is fated to crash and wind up two centuries in the past. Sisko's attempt to cut down on coffee will pass into legend.

The 48 crew have been fruitful and multiplied. Miles, after ten years mourning for Keiko and the Kids, married Ensign Rita Tannenbaum and made Irish babies. Julian made his super-babies with Angie Kirby. Worf's descendants (and fan-girls) have kept Klingon culture alive as 'The Sons of Mogh'.

But it's not all sex and candy here: Kira died of her injuries a few weeks after the crash.


Captain Sisko makes the obvious point: forewarned of the crash they can probably avoid it. Downside: Erasing the almost 8000 people of New Gaea Colony.

Odo of the present can't hold his shape in the quantum anomaly, but Future Odo (Old-o?) is good at it. He's good with expressing his feelings too. He tells Kira he's always loved her. She's just broken up with Shakaar, so who's up for a May/December Rebound? Kira's having a weird day: but praying over her own grave has not made her hot to trot for the 200-Year-Old Man.

Worf's descendant used Worf's mek'leth to slay a Yar-Bear once. Maybe it was named Tasha? Tasha Yar-Bear? Too soon? No? Anyone?

The Sons of Mogh don't think "Erased By Paradox" is a death worthy to get them into the Klingon Heaven Sto-Vo-Kor. They'd rather Worf slay them now. Would he mind? Does a Yar-Bear shit in the woods?

A day planting crops with the colonists, and Sisko can't go through with ending them. Fortunately, Oldo can. To him, one Kira is worth any 8000 nobodies. Or more accurately, the non-births of eight generations of nobodies. Now THAT's a guy with priorities.

"Children of Time" is well done, but not a favourite. The death of the maybes and the might have beens. It's kind of poignant. It's also such a bloodless slaughter that it's more like an imaginary story. Is Oldo really a mass murderer? Or is he the clear-thinking hero who saved the only true life that was REALLY at stake? Why can't the story make me care? I usually care about people who never existed all the time.

Shattered Mirror

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Welcome back to Evil Disneyland- the Mirror Universe. Professor Jennifer Sisko takes Jake as an emotional hostage, luring Captain Sisko back to parallel Terok Nor.

The mining station was recently seized by the rebellion, and Smiley O'Brien stole the plans for the Defiant and built one of his own to fight the mighty Alliance. Now he wants Sisko to help him tweak it.

Jake gets to hang out with a woman sort of like his long-dead mom, and a Ferengi sort of like his BFF Nog. At least, his interest in the ladies makes him SEEM like Nog. Not a bad place to visit. At least for four days until the Bigger Badder Bad guys show up. Maniacal Laugh.

The Alliance war fleet is run by Regent Worf, bellowing at his own personal Garak on the end of a genuine Jabba's Slave Princess Leia Collar (TM). The S & M games are played on both sides, as ruffian Captain Bashir uses an agonizer device on his captured tyrant Kira.

In case you thought this reality made sense, Sisko's lady conquests get catty with each other instead of taking any significant revenge for the false pretences of his activities in their beds on his last visit. Mirror Kira even refers to Professor Sisko as 'colder than a Breen icicle'. Ms. Breen Icicle melts enough to send Jake the boy hostage back to his dimension, however.

Catsuit Kira gets a triple- by which I mean she finishes off the entire Keldar family (unless Ishka inherits the bar next.) Having been freed by a grateful Nog (happy to have inherited the bar from his soft-hearted uncle and treacherous father) the Intendant kills the obnoxious jerk and blasts down frigid Jennifer for dessert during her escape.

Sisko takes the Mirror Defiant into battle against Worf on the Negh'Var, using the frontal attack Smiley snidely dubs 'Pattern Suicide'. Regent Worf follows Garak's advice to retreat, in exactly the way our beloved local Worf wouldn't. (And, just in case Worf and Garak playing Ambiguously Gay Duo seemed appealing to you, it's worth noting that a 'Stabbing' from Regent Worf is quite literal and isn't to be recommended.)

DS9 is a series about consequences, so occasional shoot 'em ups without any follow through can be fun for the whole violent family. "Shattered Mirror" knows it's playing Star Wars. That much is clear. Worf as Vader is inspired, although I'm more doubtful about Bashir as Han and Dax as Chewie.

The Alternative Factor

* (1 star out of 5)

No, not 'The X Factor', 'The Alternative Factor'. However, I'm sorry to say that while 'The X Factor' might just be the worst thing on TV nowadays, "The Alternative Factor" might just be the worst Trek of 1967.

Our boys are surveying near Starbase 200, when something incredible occurs. Non-existence! How does non-existence occur, you ask? Well, watch this benighted gibber-jabber and find out!

I kid. We never find out.

We do find George Jetson's family sedan.

It was hover-jacked by desert disco Jesus.

He falls off a cliff and into our hearts.

Starfleet big-wig Commodore Travers calls to inform Captain Kirk that the "non-existing" event occurred in the entire galaxy and far beyond. How does he know this? Pen pal in Andromeda?

Regardless, it was a WTF moment. Time warps, radiation, fundamental forces in disarray, and all the chaos predicted in the books of Grant Morrison. Dogs and cats living together, pants are now shirts, you name it.

Kirk wants answers from the cliff-diving visitor, Lazarus, but the guy's sanity is flimsier than his alien beard. Says he's chasing "the devil's own spawn" who "destroyed his civilization".

McCoy mentions Lazarus doesn't have the constitution and recuperative powers of a dinosaur as though he and Kirk are both familiar with some.

I guess they probably are, and I wish I was watching a story with dinosaurs in it right now.

Lazarus wanders out of sickbay in torn & filthy clothes, to go hang out, beard and all, in the rec room. Why? Also, NOBODY notices him, despite his constant fits! Has no-one told the crew the universe is inside out and the End is Nigh? They're still flirting and complaining about the coffee. 'Oh, another Armageddon? Whatevs.'

Lt. Masters, checking the hot plates in engineering, preparing to grill some pop-tarts, is strangled unconscious and two dilithium crystals are stolen. I wonder who by?

Lazarus falls off ANOTHER cliff like it's his purpose in life. Back to sickbay!

The 'truth' is... Lazarus is a time traveller in a time ship. And our crew just leave him unattended for the SECOND time and the SECOND crystal heist. Also, it was probably not the truth.

Kirk and Spock decide the phenomenon is a rip into a parallel universe of antimatter. There are at least two Lazaruses (Lazari?) and it's easy to tell them apart because one is a bearded madman with a head injury whereas the other is a brain-damaged beardo who hails from Crazy Town. Spock deduces that one is mad and one is rational, possibly by reading ahead in the script. Anyway, as if it matters, one is Matter and one is Antimatter and if they meet...

"Total, complete, absolute annihilation."

Good, no point in half-assed annihilation.

Kirk is accidentally zapped into the antimatterverse where his pants are white and... well, that's it. Nothing explodes... was it supposed to? Kirk's conversation with Rational Anti-Matter Lazarus confirms all those things that we now believe... or something. A-M Laz declares both universes will be saved if Mad Matter Lazarus is trapped in a corridor between them. Also for no particular reason the "Rational" Lazarus plans to imprison himself there, too.

Kirk is either convinced or is just sick of the whole thing and agrees to this... I guess you'd call it "plan". Enterprise destroys the gateway ship. Lazarus and Lazarus end up strangling each other forever in the void.

It's like 'The Enemy Within' only it's The Enemy WITHOUT: without motive, coherence, or emotional resonance. Is it a metaphor for something? Did some of the pages stick together? I feel like if I understood ONE SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED I wouldn't judge it so harshly. But until then, one star is me being overly forgiving.