Shockwave, Part II

**** (4 stars out of 5)

My computer has gone on the fritz to the max, probably because of something that hyper-nerd Lt. Daniels screwed up in the 31st Century last season on Enterprise.

The downside of which is, you don't get a ratings-grabbing picture of Hoshi grabbing her bosom. (Which I had for archival purposes.) It's all very hilarious and arousing and must-see, of course, when the crew break free of Suliban lock-down and goes crawling about in conduits losing their clothes and such. As they are wont to do. Tee-hee!

Meanwhile, in the distant future, the one thing that came through a 900 year old apocalypse just fine was Paper DVDs. Uh, books.)

Daniels has Archer hunt down copper to build a time-phone and a still. So they can drunk-dial tortured T'Pol and have her get tortured Malcolm to trick about-to-be-tortured Silik into using some of the gadgets in Daniels' locker to beam Archer home. For some torture! Naw, I'm kidding. Just some regular face kicks in the face.

T'Pol publicly chides her own Ambassador Pointy with recent Vulcan governmental hypocrisy. Archer says something inspiring about getting knocked down and getting back up again, drinking a whisky drink, drinking a cider drink, and how ones' next door neighbour need not cry for me. I tuned him out to leer at Hoshi.

Yay! Lasers! Yay! Boobies! Boo! My busted computer.

"Shockwave, Part II" brings us such classic thoughts as "Time travel is... not fair." and "I don't wanna hear it. Just bring me a shirt." Words to live by as we enter Enterprise: Season 2.

Menage A Troi

**** (4 stars out of 5)

Taking a page from Kivas Fajo's playbook, DaiMon Tog of the Ferengi kidnaps a complete set of Trois to read his competitor's minds. As long as his competitors aren't Ferengi.

Hey, nobody said it was a great plan! Plus, Tog is really hoping to get a look at Lwaxana's Sacred Chalice of Riix.

Lwaxana is impatient with Deanna not making her any grand-babies. Why isn't she conceiving with Will Riker, right now? On the coffee table?

"...finding a husband, having a child. That's what made ME happy. At least, until now."

Deanna isn't having it, and wants the demeaning pet name 'Little One' to stop.

Wesley Crusher has passed his Academy Entrance Exam. Now for the orals. That's what she said!

Betazed is one of those blue-green planetoids you've heard so much about. Will and Deanna reminisce next to a singing bush called a muktok. (Unlike 'Three Amigos', scene does not include Invisible Swordsman.) While Mr. Homn picks berries, Tog shows up with a bouquet of bog flowers and a free abduction.

Tog's Dr. Farek beams the Trois out of their clothes.

Best. Transporter. Ever!

Lwaxana swallows her pride and her lunch and makes out with Tog. Fortunately for the sake of TV propriety, one of the most erogenous zone on a Ferengi is the ear. So Mrs. Troi strokes the bejesus out of Tog's lobes. Repugnant!

Meanwhile, Riker cons his cell guard into a chess game and a free slug in the jaw.

Hey, I thought Ferengi LIKED slugs?

Left to his own devices, Riker plants a signal in the Ferengi ship's Cochrane distortion. Wesley recognizes the rhythm but misses his ride to the Academy on the Bradbury while tracking it down.

Mrs. Troi submits to Tog, risking another round of Farek's painful brain scans to buy Will and Deanna's freedom. She also arranges for Picard to play the insanely jealous lover for Tog's benefit.

"Now, Jean-Luc, you must stop killing all my lovers, that simply HAS to stop!"

Reluctantly at first, Picard throws himself into the part, spewing poetry and death threats until the Terrified Tog returns his prize.

Although Wesley's cadet career will have to wait another year, Picard cannot make Wes wait any longer for a cooler outfit. The Captain grants everyone's favorite helmsboy a field promotion to full Ensign.

"Menage A Troi" is a hoot. Leaving aside how easy the Ferengi military is to defeat, and how ludicrous it would be to have a Betazoid for a business partner when most of your business is surely with other UNREADABLE Ferengi, I just never, ever get tired of Lwaxana Troi. Middle-aged sex slave to a Space Troll? Bring it. She's utterly indomitable.

Booby Trap

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Geordi strikes out on his date with Christi (a person) but finds smooches on the holodeck anyway. Who needs real girls? (Insert Valentine's Day joke here.)

Orelious IX (former planet, current rock garden) is the site of the final conflict between the Promellians and the Menthars. The Promellians built battle cruisers to stand the test of time, while the Menthars were known as the Fresh-Makers.

Picard used to build model airships in bottles as a boy. Riker, Worf, and Data have never heard of such a thing. O'Brien has. Or possibly he's a good suck-up. Or both.

Now Picard has a Promellian BattleCruiser of his very own. With realistic skeletons featuring 'died at their posts' action! It makes his history-loving heart go pitter-patter-clank. ('Cause it's a metal heart, you understand.)

Guinan tells hard-luck Geordi she's attracted to bald men, because a bald man was kind to her once when she was hurting. I wonder if his heart went pitter-patter-clank...?

Geordi must put aside his floundering love life and race against time to figure out how to get Enterprise free of a cunning and deadly trap. So of course, he falls in love with the voice, face, and journals of the engineering propulsion specialist who designed the ship's engines: Dr. Leah Brahms.

"I need to get inside there." Geordi muses. He means the dilithium reaction chamber. What were YOU thinking?

Possibly to make up for Christi, maybe even for Moriarty, the computer manifests the geek girl of Geordi's dreams. With a 9 percent margin of error, the hologram even simulates Brahms' personality.

Picard balks at Geordi's propulsion proposal to escape: turn control over to the computer. Picard used to imagine flying a single propellor airplane. "Now the machines are flying us."

In the end, they go the other way: less power, more Picard. The Captain coasts them to safety on a pair of thrusters and no prayer (heathens, remember).

Worf makes the ship in the bottle go ka-blooey. Waste not, want... never mind.

Hologram Leah is, to put it mildly, somewhat forward. "Every time you look at the ship, it's me. Everytime you touch it, it's me."(She may have attended the Minuet School of Accommodating Photon-Based Ladies.)

"Booby Trap" brings the fun with a good Geordi episode, good effects, and a noticeable soundtrack. It again raises the question (and not for the last time) how real is real? For my part? I'm glad I don't need a battery pack for my flesh wife.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Happy Valentines Day.