The Void

   (0 stars out of 5)

With a title like "The Void", you know what you're getting, Weaver. NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! STUPID! SO STUPID!

In Delta Quadrant, DONUT EATS YOU! We'll have to call this the Delta Donut, 'cause the Delta Triangle was already taken. Yes, it's another 'Becalmed in the Space Sargasso', except instead of calm it's full of desperate scavengers.

"Morality won't keep your life support systems running," gloats robber baron Valen after he steals everything but their life support systems. Despite his name, he's not much like the Valen who inspired the Minbari religion over on Babylon 5. Also, Valen's wrong. Today, for some reason, morality IS all you need. Well, morality, advanced technology and a great, big ball of magic, glowing, pixie dust.

Janeway does what she always does: sticks to her guns. It got her ship stranded seven years ago, and it nearly gets them killed today. No Captain Ransom, she! No Thief! No Killer! And yes, I love her for it. It's good to have principles. Sometimes the REAL WORLD even rewards us for having them. But mostly it's the writers. Give the crew of the Equinox nothing but crap, and they turn to crap. Give JANEWAY nothing but crap... and you get a delicious apple pandowdy!

It's all very pat and it makes its point and also it's mind-bogglingly, fan-staggeringly uninspiring. It all seems like empty platitudes and luck to me. And, in the end, while making love out of nothing at all, they play "Stirring Co-operation Montage" music over the technical explanations so we don't have to trouble ourselves wondering if their escape plan made any sense.

(Yes, I AM being harsher than necessary because A) I've been sick as a blood worm all week and 2) I'm about to see Into Darkness and I'm making room in my heart to love it all the more! And squee like a tiny little girl!!!)

In 2001, while the ratings plummeted and even my beloved uncle who started me loving Star Trek in the first place had given up watching, I'd heard a rumour that Voyager's seventh season would be its last, and more importantly, that the crew was going to get home BEFORE the end of it. Between 6 and 12 episodes would actually take place IN THE ALPHA QUADRANT. WITH CONSEQUENCES!?! I was so disappointed. Surely THIS re-hash of the animated series episode 'The Time Trap' could have been scuttled to make that happen? If only...

The Voyager Conspiracy

* (1 tinfoil hat out of 5)

A Newt Man in a hoodie leaves his Stargate behind when he goes home, having forgotten his Newt sunglasses or something. This'll be another Short Hop for Voyager, another Short Hop for Mankind.

Seven of Nine goes crazy again, it must be Tuesday. You can never have enough stories with Seven of Nine going crazy, right?

I am reminded of a comic book story from The Titans #50: in which Starfire appears in a tin foil hat shouting that everyone else in the world has formed a conspiracy against her. Her superhero pals accept her statements without question and don their own tinfoil hats to come to her aid and save the world. Now, the key here is that Starfire has earned her friends' loyalty over years of consistent behaviour.

Strangely, despite a distressing track record with their Borg protege, Voyager's intrepid Captain and First Officer are ready to take her word as gospel and turn on each other rather than consider how likely it is that Seven has simply popped another vacuum tube.

Janeway's newly paranoid attitude toward Chakotay reflects the lyrics of the Poet Yankovic: "I even think it's kinda cute the way you poison my coffee just a little each day." Or is it JANEWAY who's spent 5 years ruining everyone's lives in order to rack up frequent flyer miles? To hear Seven weave her tissue of tangled, interconnected, but unrelated facts, even pre-teen Naomi Wildman is following a nefarious galaxy-spanning agenda of conquest.

(This is the only conspiracy theory which turns out to be correct. And she would prefer to be addressed as Naomi Khan. At least when she's not watching Adventure Time.)

"The Voyager Conspiracy" is meandering, pointless filler. To be blunt, it's dumb. At least 'Shades of Grey' had the writer's strike for an excuse. What was this, a writer's stroke?

Night

*** (3 stars out of 5)

I have to give the season opener props. It's not perfect, but I will give it three thumbs up. One: the Flash Gordon homage created in the Captain Proton adventures is my favourite Voyager holodeck hang-out in all the seven seasons. Who could resist ray guns, goggles, jet packs and a fiendish villain called Dr. Chaotica? Beats the hell out of Sandrines.

Two: the Void was long overdue. Any genuine attempt to cross the galaxy would hit the huge starless gaps between the spiral arms at some point. Even though Voyager doesn't quite have the bravery to stick with that lonely emptiness for even half an episode. Gotta find something there to do... or we'd have to see what our characters are really made of.

Three: the Malon are excellent villains. Shades of the Ferengi, but more obviously self-destructive. The Ferengi have thrived for many centuries with their finely honed utter selfishness, but the Malon society really seems to be running out of time. Radioactive Space Trucker Garbagemen, dumping their toxic waste on perfectly nice nameless "Night Aliens" who look like a cross between oil-soaked seabirds and the dancing poops from Flesh Gordon meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders (a movie which, while it makes this episode looks amazing by comparison, I cannot in good conscience recommend. You have been warned!).

While I'm off an a tangent about the design of the Night Aliens, I should mention that since the script claims they evolved in total darkness, it seems ridiculous that they should have EYES. Ordinary, dramatically sympathetic human eyes. C'mon, guys, where's the mad creativity of the Horta? They made me feel sympathy for a lumpy pizza thirty years ago. How about some more of that? Mmm, Pizza.

"Night" is pretty good. If that's damning with faint praise, so be it. I have to calls 'em like I sees 'em.