Brother

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Enjoy a Season One recap: “Bleak times... we cannot forget”. (Unless someday we’re ordered to.) Then Michael flashes even further back. “I expect you to be friends” her new dad Sarek urges Kid Spock. “Now say The Vulcan Hello to your surprise sister! We’ll try our best to shuffle her out of our richly appointed but terribly repressed lives as quickly as we shuffled out Sybok.”

Young Spock casts spell of water dragon? His computer’s operating on the level of Dumbledore’s Penseive? You know what a computer was in this time period, right? It was a grey cardboard box with a few colourful toggles that screeched “Working” at the beginning of every sentence.

“Damn, she’s a beauty,” Detmer gushes, back in the present, but glimpses of this new version of Enterprise are very much in the robot eye of the beholder.

Meet Nhan, a Barzan security guard, and Connolly, who got his BSc in making a bad first impression. Also, meet Captain Pike. “Sometimes it's wise to keep our expectations low.” says Pike, sagely, but that won’t be necessary in Pike’s case!

Saurian Crewman Orville… uh, Linus, is under the weather, but in a capitalist future there’s no such thing as time off, so he’s shuffling into a crowded turbolift. Lizard Man turning to sneeze directly into other people’s mouths is HI-larious! Screw that primitive 21st Century “elbow crook” hassle.

Grieving Stamets is teetering, talking about Kaseelian singers who kill themselves once they’ve sung one perfect note. This sounds dangerously unsustainable and I’m enraged that someone dreamt up a culture with this histrionic mental disorder. It makes me tear all my hair out when people get overly dramatic!!!

Sarek wanted Spock to learn human empathy from his foster sister Michael, because in this traumatized timeline he wasn’t learning it from his mother. I’m with you, Spock, I don’t want any empathy either if it means feeling like you’re on fire with a concussion all the time.

Sweet Merciful Introduction Scene! A welcome Bridge Crew roll call at last?! Pike’s so bloody charming. I think we all want to be on his landing party rescue! But not by way of a tedious old shuttle- by whirligigs from some Battlestar launch tube straight into an asteroid field- never tell me the odds. Lt. Belligerent Cynicism NOOOOO!!!! He was a dick with every word out of his mouth. He won’t be missed, not for a second. Empathy-shmempathy.

Tilly’s “Crying like a baby tribble in the kill zone” Is... what? What? Is that suddenly a common expression? When did Tilly meet a tribble in the 2250s? What does that phrase even mean? Is she talking about a video game? 

No time for our sorrows! Pop on your voice-activated Iron Man helmets. If only once it finished clicking around like a Michael Bay Autobot it became the spangly silver suit from “The Tholian Web”. I swear from a lifelong Star Wars guy this sounds unhinged, but I’d honestly rather have more story and less spectacle with my Star Trek. In the words of marooned engineer Jett, on screen all too briefly, while improvising heroic levels of chilling wartime medical experiments: “We’ve been rockin’ and rollin’ for hours- can someone tell me what’s going on?”

Oh, lordy, Pike, don’t take off your uniform, you had the best one!

Incomprehensible exploding blockbuster VFX padding and establishing a season-long scavenger hunt and then, out of nowhere… real genuine moments between people that I believed in (Stamets & Tilly, Detmer & Okosekun). But I still don’t grok this version of Sarek. Sarek never struck me as a father who was trying to help Spock become MORE human. Tig Notaro as Jett Backpack is very lively, an utter delight. And Pike is cool! Instantly one of my top 4 Captain Pikes. Years later I’m still excited this guy is gonna be our Strange New Worlds Big Fish.

Just, calm down sometimes and let me take a damn breath, Discovery. I’m crying like a baby tribble in the kill zone over here.

Homeward

*** (3 stars out of 5)

You know about plasmonic reactions, right? Presumably caused by the Gizmonics Institute, they strike without warning and destroy planets by broadcasting appallingly bad movies.

You know about Worf's foster brother, right? Starfleet Academy drop-out and cultural anthropologist Dr. Nikolai Rozhenko, stationed on Boraalis II. He broke the Prime Directive, popped out of his duck blind in Boraalan guise, and led a single village to safety when their world died. They're hiding in a cavern, in a canyon, and their nose is number nine.

When Picard hears of it, he plays the closed-minded hard-ass and refuses to let Nikolai save any backward medieval bastards under a forcefield. (Too bad they weren't Crusher's son or Data's pen pal, but, hey, thems the breaks.) Nikolai defies Mighty Saint Picard with a damn clever trick: he re-creates the shelter caves on a holodeck, beaming up all the survivors while they sleep.

Now despite the shattered Prime Directive, the crew are forced to assist him in re-locating the tiny society to a similar world called Vacca VI. Nikolai tells the villagers that Shrunken Forehead Worf is their 'Space Moses'. They plan to make it look like they walked to Vacca by gradually modifying the holodeck terrain. Except the holodeck (surprise, surprise) is broken: showing glimpses of the grid beneath. It even accidentally lets the village chronicler, Vorin, wander out into the halls. Nice locks, Holodeck.

Vorin's bad luck continues: Dr. Crusher can't erase his memory of their traumatically alien vessel and they can't let him go back and tell the others. Especially since they (weirdly) told him the whole truth: his planet being utterly destroyed and all. If Vorin tells the others he'd either be thought a madman, or their beliefs might be ruined by too much knowledge.

Unlike the Mintakans the last time someone broke a duck blind, these people are apparently too delicate for the truth. Pessimism seems the primary trait of their culture. Pessimism and hoodies.

Nikolai's Boraalan baby-mama Dobarra says something telling: that most of them were resigned to death and Nikolai is the only reason they lived.  He's going to make his life with the transplanted villagers since apparently he doesn't need to account for his illegal heroism.

Speaking of irresponsible lack of accountability, Vorin committed suicide out of severe culture shock while nobody (including the ship's shrink) paid him the slightest attention. Nice save, Utopian Future.

Stunningly, Picard now takes credit for the day's partial success. "Our plan for them worked out well." OUR plan? Your plan was non-interference and hanging your head in sorrow! This was Rozhenko's plan and you just came along. Sorry, Cue Ball. (Sadly, according to biblical precedent, I am doomed to be eaten by bears for mocking the authority of a bald man.)

"Homeward" closes with Worf's statement that their parents will understand Nikolai's decision.  I'm not so sure. Raising their grand baby in the sticks? Without the medical skill to treat hybrid complications, or even simple cancer? Doubtful. Still, the kid's not going to be poor: lawyers like Paul Sorvino make a great living.

The Way To Eden

**** (4 stars out of 5)

"The Way To Eden" has taken a lot of flak and scorn over the years. I'm one of those rare few who actually loves it!

Enterprise is in pursuit of a bunch of drop-outs in a stolen ship. The Aurora originally looked like they'd stolen it from the Tholians and slapped on a couple of warp engines. The CG version is a splendid improvement.

But there's no way (and no reason) to update the look of Aurora's crew: They're space hippies, and they'll always BE space hippies.

In the summer of '69 (2269, that is) there was a youth revolt. Sit-ins, chant-ins, love-ins. Severin's rebels will never, ever be any good.

They have turned their backs on Federation society and this particular group is trying to follow Dr. Severin of Tiburon to mythical planet Eden.

One is purple-haired Tongo Rad, surely a surfer dude and son of the Catullan ambassador.

Another is Chekov's Academy ex- girlfriend Irina Galliulin. Don't say it too fast, Herbert, it's a mouthful. Irina fled Pavel's disapproval back in their Academy days.

I love Chekov and Irina together. The good solider and the protester girl. (Walter Koenig thinks it's a low point, but I thought they both did a wonderful job. Compare and contrast the zero chemistry of Mira Romaine or some of Kirk's romances.)

Charles Napier is real now as tune-strumming Adam. My favourite of his lyrics: "All kinds of trouble come to an end when a man tells another man 'be my friend'" I enjoy the connection he makes with Spock as fellow musician.

Poetically, Spock describes Severin's movement as an almost biological rebellion against planning, technology, and things being generally nice and orderly. He says the counter-culture has a hunger for spring, which makes me wonder: there's no SPRING anymore?

Spock is not exactly sympathetic to these flower-children of the Scrambled Infinite Egg, but he seeks understanding- Spock, too, knows what it is to feel like an alien in his own world.

McCoy uncovers an ugly truth: Severin carries a nasty little bug called synthococcus novae produced in the last few years by their aseptic, sterilized civilizations. Anyone who catches it from Severin MUST remain in reach of immunizations or die- the primitive planet he seeks is out of the question.

Spock suggests Severin get his people to behave, legally colonize their Eden. But though Spock believes in what they seek, he is sure the Tiburonian leader is insane. Severin blames

computers and science for his illness and wrongly believes that going back to nature will cure him.

While the filthy hippies have their jam session, Rad breaks his boss out and they hijack the starship from auxiliary control. Wouldn't you know it- Eden is in Romulan space.

The poor misguided bastards stun the establishment and take a shuttle down to 'Eden'. Bare feet and trusting mouths are horribly burned- on a world made of acid.

"Be incorrect occasionally." says departing Irina to Pavel, and he urges her the reverse... occasionally.

It is implied the hippies will rejoin society- but is it really such a bad one?