Q&A

 **** (4 stars out of 5)

Flashback, as evidenced by starting with hazy formlessness like we're all just waking up after a long weekend. It’s probably 2254, pre-The Cage, and we've doubled down- this is the Enterprise uniform now. Oh, Discovery crew called it the "new uniform" 4 years from now? How do you define "new" anyway? New like New Ensign Spock, full of shouting and smiles like Spock was in 'The Cage'.

His new boss, whose NAME is Number One, demands he ask questions until it gets annoying. Where did Spock beam over from? Why all the close-ups? Why are the internal works of Enterprise cavernous and twisted? You know this isn’t a TARDIS, right? Why is the turbolift inside Willy Wonka’s Night Factory? Oh, never mind, now it's broken down. What's Upjohn? Not much, what's up wi' ye? Engineer Upjohn's no help until she fixes the busted cyfrifiadur. Looks like Spock and Number One are stuck until they have a genuine conversation or some sex.

Why is the sky black? Which of us loves Pike most? Can we agree that our breathless, desperate insistence that we are each the smartest in the room is true but not getting us anywhere, sex wise?

Ensign Spock proposes (as devil’s advocate?) that the Prime Directive is unethical, illogical, and morally indefensible. And that the universe is a simulation. He stops short of looking directly at the camera. I mean, he's a smart guy.

How does one achieve command? "Keep your freaky to yourself even if it’s painful." says Number One, whose name is Number One. She is hiding her singing talent, as Spock must hide his Vulcan glee. Which is Vulcan for sex.

It took 3 years to get back here, but this is maybe a glucose matrix taste of the upcoming series that a lot of Trekkies pinned their hopes on, including me.

If Memory Serves

 ***(3 illusions out of 5)

Showing me real footage from “The Cage”, albeit chopping it up like a paper doll puppet show, made me briefly happy, then they dropped me back into wildly spinning cameras in the dark and redesigned holographic Tellarites before I got too nostalgic.

Why are Section 31 taking orders from Starfleet brass? I thought in Section 31 the chain of command was: “We have chains to hit you with, so we’re in command.”

Over Michael’s objection, Spock takes their shuttle straight into an amazing-looking black hole- oh, wait, welcome back to Talos IV where you can’t trust your senses and the spindly locals are barely this side of wanting to breed you in cages as workers.

The singing plants are charming. Spock is unable to deal with time as a fluid and I fully empathize as nobody makes the rest of this look like it did in 1965. Why redesign the Talosian heads and robes? Why is mangled Vina barely twisted at all and obscured by lens flares? 

Spock saw and heard the Red Angel in childhood, and melded with it a few months ago, sharing the Angel’s apocalyptic nightmare. And the entire universe, as always, is at stake. 

Having been murdered by Voq, Culber attacks Ash in the lunch room, which fearless Saru allows to play out for catharsis while Pike makes tut-tut sounds. Let’s see where this goes and if anyone’s shirt comes off. Culber has taken “till death do us part” literally, and moves out on Stamets to get his head together.

Vina appears to Pike and tells him she’s shacked up with his illusion- a lifetime together in these few years. Oh, and sends an untraceable S.O.S. from his buddies, it’s either romantic or awkweird.

Section 31 has invasive neurologic tech from or based on the Terran Empire. They love things from the Terran Empire! Georgiou tells Leland how she did a genocide on the Mirror Universe Talosians. Talosians allow 31 to capture Michael & Spock’s vanishing projections as Michael and Spock return to Disco by shuttle.

Nhan takes Ash off the bridge. Discovery disobeys 31s orders and turns fugitive to save the galaxy.

I cried at Michael and Spock’s miserable emotional rift, very well performed, very painful.

This episode won an Emmy for outstanding makeup, proving that I am petulant for wishing they’d honoured Star Trek’s original designs.

Unification I

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Since the set up is 'a search for Spock', this episode seems padded like Ensign Ro's bra.

Admiral Brackett reports Ambassador Spock has gone missing, presumed defected to Romulus.

Showing us grainy pictures of Spock isn't Spock!

Picard meets with Mrs. Sarek, who conducts him to Sarek's death bed. Sarek rambles, rages and shivers (bring the poor man a blanket, this desert planet is freezing!). And get those kids off his lawn sand!

Sarek thinks Spock's Romulan contact Senator Pardek might be involved. Of course, seconds later Sarek thinks Pardek might be a delicious eggplant. I'm saying Sarek's completely out of marbles.

And telling us rambling anecdotes about Spock isn't Spock!!

Data and Picard get Crusher to help them with their deadly serious Romulan Cosplay Adventure. The Enterprise leaves them with a disgruntled Klingon taxi service for running cloaked into the Neutral Zone. The Captain is Jimmy James of 'NewsRadio', who (as I recall) is a Macho Business Donkey Wrestler. He also sounds something like Woozy Winks from 'Batman: The Brave and The Bold'. It's Stephen Root: Bill Dautrive, Chode McBlob, Milton Waddams. If you've ever seen anything, you've seen Stephen Root. Today he's a Klingon bus driver. BANG! ZOOM! Straight to Romulus!

Riker and company, meanwhile, investigate the theft of old Vulcan ship parts from the dump at Qualor II. Clim Dockachin the Zakdorn quartermaster hits on Troi by telling her about his 14-foot eel. Mercifully, the thieves strike again, but explode when cornered.

Our first look at planet Romulus is a superb matte painting. It's a shame that everything else on this planet looks like horse crap.

Pardek's goons escort the sneaky Starfleeters to Spock's Secret Grotto. Which looks like crap. But, holy moley, THERE'S SPOCK!!!

If I was still 15 I would squeal like a 9 year old girl. I'm far more mature now: I girl-squeal at a college level.

"Unification I" is still good. I can't sell Mark Lenard short. His final performance as Sarek is heart wrenching. It's an episode about honours earned, and the end of an era, appropriately dedicated to Gene Roddenberry. Join me again tomorrow, or no plomeek soup for you.