Elaan of Troyius

** (2 stars out of 5)

Season Three marches dismally onward with the tale of Elaan, the spoiled, bloodthirsty Dohlman of planet Elas forced to marry her enemy on planet Troyius.

Troyian Ambassador Petri is the green Severus Snape assigned to tutor Elaan in civilized ways. He has neater hair, but none of Snape's nobler qualities.

"Stop trying to kill each other- then worry about being friendly," is Captain Kirk's advice to Petri shortly before the shrew Elaan stabs him in the back.

Chapel asks the bedridden green courtier why Elasian men would love women who behave so badly: what's the magical attraction? It's not magic- but simple, everyday, biochemical enslavement via their optical secretions, don'tcha know.

UCLA Professor Daniel Bernardi's book "Star Trek and History: Race-ing Toward a White Future" apparently states that Elaan is a stereotypical Asian dragon woman slash demure geisha who needs Great White Kirk to tame and civilize her. I disagree. The fact that actress France Nguyen is partly Vietnamese does not appear to have any bearing on the story: she's playing an alien named for a Greek myth, her Elasian subordinates are white and her wig looks Egyptian. Racist? Not necessarily. Misogynist? Oh, hells, yah.

Kirk's supposedly enlightened attitudes are undercut with statements like "The women of Vulcan are logical. That's the only planet in this galaxy that can make that claim." Let's not even mention his offer to spank the Dohlman.

She tricks him into touching her tears, and Kirk is hooked on a feeling, high on believing that he's in love with her.

The Tellun system, and specifically Elaan's necklace, contains common stones they call radans. Dilithium, by any other name, will still attract Klingons.

The classic, original Klingon ship model looked great, right?! I wish I could say the same about the male Elasian costume: barbarians with spangly gold evening gloves? And padded out with giant cumbersome sheets of gelatin? I think the engineer bumped off by the Elasian goon probably died of embarrassment on his killer's behalf.

Helen of Troy was the face that launched a thousand ships. "Elaan of Troyius" could barely inspire me to eat a thousand chips.

The Empath

** (2 stars out of 5)

"The Empath" drags on and on. I admire it as a fan script that made it to TV, and DeForest Kelly said it was his favourite, but it's not otherwise laudable.

First, the show does away with set costs by having no set.

The sun of the Minaran system is about to nova. Federation scientists on Minara II are killed as lab subjects for the powerful Vians who are testing the empathy of a local woman.

When McCoy decides to name her "Gem" I thought for a moment he said "Jim". Flattering, I'm sure, but needlessly confusing.

Gem's from a race of natural mutes. She's not a telepath, either. She's an empath: possessing a nervous system so sensitive she feels what others feel. Not only that, but when she feels the pain of others, she takes their wounds upon herself and cures them both. I don't think anybody's pretending this is "science" today. Pull up a toadstool, the elf maiden has magic healing!

Gem does this for Kirk when he is tortured by the Vians. And she does it when McCoy selflessly knocks the others out so he will be the next one tormented to death. Didn't we just do "brutalized by telekinetics"?

Our heroes are suitably brave, our guest star is a maudlin mime. Our villains are Talosian knock-offs without a clear motive.

I understand most novas don't happen by surprise. Even a lowly society like ours can detect them coming. Why then have the Vians waited until the last minute? Why this demented experimentation to see which planet to evacuate? Why didn't they start earlier or recruit some star fleet or other to help move these poor devils? By what right do they evaluate relative worthiness? Why only one planet, anyway? JUST EVACUATE SOME OF EVERYBODY! Butt-heads.

Wink of an Eye

*** (3 stars out of 5)

Welcome to planet Scalos. Don't drink the water. "Scalosian Revenge" is hyperacceleration where you move so quickly you cannot be seen or heard.

These aliens live fast and die hard.

Polluted, irradiated, volcanic water killed all the Scalosian children, while most of the women and all the men were rendered sterile. One of the last surviving women, Deela, wants Kirk and a few others for breeders. For at least three generations, every Scalosian has been born of kidnapped spacemen accelerated by the water.

So... why doesn't the water also make the kidnapped new breeders sterile?

And, how did the Scalosians make a distress call that didn't sound like an insect buzz?

Similarly, how does Deela know what Kirk said about the sound of her speech? Has she been listening to Kirk's low-pitched droning for an hour per sentence?

Slight cell damage kills the recently hyperaccelerated. Why are they turning the Enterprise into a deep freeze? Freezing would cause massive cell damage, wouldn't it?

Deela apparently gets what she was after- Kirk's pulling on his boots in his bedroom while she brushes her hair. I suppose she could have been giving him a foot massage for hours and hours...

Spock drinks the water and accelerates to rescue Kirk. From more "massage".

They defeat the Scalosians and put them off the ship. Spock singlehandedly repairs all the Scalosian sabotage at high speed and returns to normal with McCoy's counteragent.

So was the high speed metabolism from the volcano water, or inherent? How long will these last handful of aliens live without new blood? Why don't the crew even offer to share McCoy's counteragent?

"Wink of an Eye" might be a three-star concept, and well-performed, but it seems to have more logic holes every time I see it. Still, that girl side-stepped a phaser beam! Sweet!

Plato's Stepchildren

** (2 stars out of 5)

"Plato's Stepchildren" feels like weak sauce. Good performances, though, not least of which is Michael Dunn as Alexander.

Planet Platonius, big fans of the Earth philosopher Plato. Or just his dress sense, since they make no effort to practice anything Plato taught, like justice, compassion, or temperance. Also, they are psychokinetic sadists. Thirty-eight indolent ass-banjos over 2500 years old who use their mind powers to pick on Alexander, the one 'loveless' little person.

"Alexander, where I come from, size, shape, or colour make no difference. And nobody has the power," says Kirk, comfortingly.

"It will be very gratifying to leave here." Amen, Spock. Amen.

"We have had enough of your moralizing," says Parmen, leader of the Platonians. He might need a doctor again someday, so he's not letting McCoy go.

Parmen makes our crew caper, crawl, and prance. Spock is forced to laugh and cry, weeping into Alexander's lap. Alexander is made to ride Kirk like a pony. It's all very embarrassing.

Kirk talks Spock down from his quiet rage, and Alexander out of a righteous murder spree, too. Bones compares Alexander's blood to Parmen's and discovers kironide in the food is the source of his powers.

Uhura and Chapel are forced to beam down and dress up, then make out with Kirk and Spock.

Torture is threatened to the women with whip and branding iron.

UK TV refused to play this until the nineties, not because of a pink-on-brown kiss, or even a sallow-on-pink kiss, but because of the torture.

Speaking of torture, Spock sings. I kid!

Nimoy is not my problem. Fine singer, depressing song. The lyric "Bitter Dregs" feels like an anthem for the season itself. Along with phrases used for the cruel Platonian audience like "empty" and "half-dead", they seem to apply to the faltering show.

Except for this blog project, how would anyone know I even like this program? Based on this season, I mean.

The Tholian Web

***** (5 stars out of 5)

"The Tholian Web" is one of the best. Or, properly, one of my favourites. I especially enjoy its more descriptive (if not entirely spoiler-free) Japanese title: "Crisis of Captain Kirk, Who Was Thrown into Different-Dimensional Space".

Searching for the missing U.S.S. Defiant, our Starfleet pals find it drifting. Space itself is breaking up in an unprecedented way around the derelict and the crew are dead by each other's hands.

"Has there ever been a mutiny on a starship before?" asks Chekov.

"Absolutely no record of such an occurrence, Ensign." Spock asserts.

Spock hasn't seen 'This Side of Paradise" recently. Where he, himself, participates in a mutiny while under the influence of happy plants. Or he literally means there is no record, perhaps because the logs have been deleted. So that's the way they do things! No wonder Jim Kirk hasn't ever been fired for breaking the Prime Directive. He doesn't snitch on the crew, and they don't report him.

They do lose him, though, to the interphase space which is periodically dissolving the Defiant into another reality. The interphase is also driving people into wild fury. They launch attacks against whoever is near. Chekov was first. If that wasn't bad enough, a bunch of crystalline jerks called the Tholians show up in their diamond-shaped ships, lay claim to the space, and trade shots with Enterprise.

The Tholian vessels begin to spread energy filaments that englobe the wounded starship.

Either remembering how important funerary closure is to humans from his adventure with the Galieo seven, or wrongly concluding they just have some spare time, Spock conducts a funeral for Kirk where the participants are wigging out, all screamy and punchy.

"Vulcans are probably immune, so just take your time." McCoy snarks in private later. Spock and Bones can't see eye to eye, even though both want what's best. They play Kirk's last message to them. Jim advises Spock to use intuition as well as logic, and to rely on Bones more often. Similarly, he urges McCoy to show more loyalty to Spock.

Uhura sees the ghostly form of Spacesuit Jim and, of course, sounds crazy when she tells the doc. But McCoy has to take her straps off when he and the others see the floating Kirk apparition, too. (If they're all crazy then it's too late.) Still, McCoy's cure is an alcohol and Klingon nerve poison cocktail, and that sounds sane enough. It deadens the nerves to the point where phaser stun would be ineffective. Scotty walks off to try it with Scotch.

Spock and McCoy bond a teensy bit over their glasses. Spock also expresses to Uhura and Chekov that they were missed while ill. Kirk is beamed out of the interphase, and Enterprise hops across it to escape the Tholian Web.

Kirk wonders: any problems while he was gone?

"None worth reporting," equivocates Spock.

Jim hopes his last orders helped?

"We never had a chance to listen to them," McCoy lies.

And that's how it's done! Always a treat, I wish there were more episodes like this one.

Now, drink a glass of theragen and Scotch before we have to tackle the next episode.

For The World Is Hollow And I Have Touched The Sky

**** (4 stars out of 5)

"For The World Is Hollow And I Have Touched The Sky" is much better than I remember and a singularly romantic outing for McCoy. Did I mention I think McCoy is awesome?

Dr. McCoy has xenopolycythemia, and less than a year to live.

A hollow atomic-powered asteroid 200 miles across is on automated course to hit the 3 billion people of Daran V. Kirk says he and Spock can handle it alone.

"Without ME, Jim? You'd never find your way back." smiles McCoy.

There is illusory open sky in the asteroid. Captured by High Priestess Natira, our boys discover the people of Yonada don't know they are inside a giant stone spaceship.

The all-knowing Oracle gives them an electrical shock of greeting. You guessed it, it's a tyrannical computer holding its stagnant culture in religious thrall.

"Things are not as they teach us," says a local oldster. He's pained with warning until he dies for daring to tell the tale of climbing the forbidden mountains and touching the sky. I am always moved by this. It is a short but effective illustration of tragic injustice in non-flexible religion. Plus it sucks.

The Oracle is one computer I don't feel remotely sorry for that it crossed paths with Kirk.

Bones gets his flirt on with Natira. She shares his forthrightness and honesty, and she desires him for as long as he may live.

The Oracle will allow McCoy to marry Natira if he agrees to implant the Instrument of Obedience and follows all laws. Will Bones convert for some Yonadan nookie? Could be worse- nobody's mentioning circumcision.

Kirk and Spock are sentenced to death for entering the Oracle room, but McCoy begs their lives. He's not coming back with them. "I'm on a kind of a collision course myself, Jim."

With a "just married" bumper sticker on the asteroid, Natira reveals a sacred text that can alter the direction of Yonada. McCoy calls his friends to talk about it, and Spock saves him from the inevitable results of the deadly Instrument of Obedience. The Oracle doesn't like those who speak unsanctioned truth.

"Is truth not truth for all?... I must know the truth of the world!" When Natira defies the clockwork god, it tries to fire the non-believers. With heating elements.

Spock and Kirk make a few easy fixes and pop the rock back on course. Conveniently, the secret room also contains the cure for xenopolycythemia.

McCoy must still go on searching the universe, and his wife must still serve her universe Yonada. But Kirk thinks they can arrange to return in 390 days to the new world, so Bones can "thank" her.

Day of the Dove

**** (4 stars out of 5)

"Day of the Dove" brings back the Klingons for the final time in the original series. Michael Ansara is towering as Kang. Just awesome. He either gets all the best dialogue or he makes it the best with acting brilliance.

Kang and Kirk were both lured in to Beta XII-A by distress calls. 100 imaginary Human colonists dead, 400 real Klingons dead, and it's only 7 pm.

Kang's not buying the accusation that he's just destroyed "A colony of the invisible?" He backhands and captures Kirk.

"Go to the devil," Kirk mutters.

"We have no devil, Kirk, but we understand the habits of yours."

Chekov rushes Kang's goons, screaming revenge for the Archanis IV massacre.

"You killed my brother, Piotr!"

"So you volunteer to join him. That is loyalty."

Kirk turns the tables with the transporter. The Klingon survivors, including Kang's hot science officer wife, Mara, are now the prisoners. Sulu destroys their empty enemy vessel.

A swirling goblin made of light like the rainbow wheel cursor creeps around the halls of Enterprise. It shuts down the communications, seizes the engines and races for the extra-galactic void at warp 9. Most of Enterprise crew is locked in their rooms, with equal numbers on each side free. Phasers transmute into swords. Most everybody starts in with the stabbing. Kang finds this "delightful".

Spock points out that neither side has transmuting ability, and that if the Klingons COULD do it, why would they arm both sides? And why are all the plowshares missing?

Sulu points out that Chekov is an only child- there never was a Piotr.

Perception can't be trusted- even McCoy is baying for the blood of every Klingon. Scotty and Spock voice race hatred against each other. And stab-happy Chekov tries to force himself on Mara.

Oh, and now Johnson's back from the dead again. "Kill the Klingons! It's them or us, isn't it?"

Kirk uses rare and risky intra-ship beaming to go unarmed into Kang's camp and return Mara.

Inevitably, he gets into a swordfight.

"We can't be killed!" Kirk tries to explain to Kang.

"Then no doubt you will reassemble after I've hacked you to bits."

Kang does the hardest thing a Klingon can do and calls truce, rather than be a pawn killing for another's purposes. Good spirits, even ringing false, drive the manipulative pinwheel away.

"We need no urging to hate humans. But for the present, only a fool fights in a burning house."